Joy at the Pool Not Just From a Jump in the Water

When we reconnected with old friends last month, Kai and Timothy decided that they wanted to get together for playdates. And their moms have arranged just that.

A week ago Friday, Kai went over to Timothy’s house and had a great time. This past Friday Timothy came over to our house.

They played on the Wii and with plushies, and then my wife took them over to our neighborhood swimming pool.

At this pool, kids have to take a swim test on their first visit to show whether they can be allowed into the deep area of the pool. Kai was familiar with the test from previous summers and he passed easily. Timothy had a harder time following the lifeguard’s instructions and kept putting his feet down and touching the bottom instead of swimming.

Kai tried to explain to the lifeguard. “He has autism,” he said, in trying to get the lifeguard to give his friend more time. Eventually Timothy did pass the test and they were able to play together on the deep side.

My wife reported that while they didn’t exactly play with each other the way typical kids do, Kai did a nice job of trying to engage with Timothy, often calling out to him and encouraging him to come over to him. Kai’s favorite thing was doing cannonballs into the pool with his friend.

Kids with autism often struggle with taking the perspective of someone else or thinking of others. But at the pool, my wife said that Kai showed concern for Timothy’s older brother Benjamin, who also has autism. When Kai and Timothy went to another part of the pool to go down a slide, Kai asked his mother to stay with Benjamin in the deep area to make sure he would be okay.

The boys had a great time splashing, sliding, swimming.

But for us parents, our greatest pleasure came from the little things that happened there, the signs of progress we saw with Kai. He communicated, he engaged, and he thought of others.

And that brings us as much joy as a well executed cannonball.

Hope you are off to a good summer, too!

Another Kai

A woman emailed me a couple of weeks ago. She had just discovered my Patch articles. She said that she and her family had recently moved to my town. She has twin boys, about a year older than my son. And one of her boys is named Kai. And her Kai also has autism.

Now that is what I call a remarkable coincidence. And you can’t just let coincidences like that pass.

And so, my wife and I met the woman and her husband for coffee one morning. It turns out that Atsuko is, like my wife, a native of Japan. And her husband Mike is, like me, originally from the Chicago area. It was as if we were meant to be together.

Yesterday, we had them over for dinner. It was the first time our boys would meet. Two Kai’s in the same house. What would that be like?

Our Kai was happy to have company over. And both of the twins seemed happy to be here.

Our Kai immediately took charge. He wanted the boys to play the Mario Kart game he had received for Hanukkah. The game had sat idle for much of the past month since we received it, but Kai suddenly took an interest in it this weekend. And he was thrilled to have some new players to watch.

Mind you, Kai did not want to play the game himself. He just wanted to watch the boys play.

New Kai is less verbal than our Kai. But he was able to communicate his wishes pretty well with his one or two word phrases. He wanted to be Luigi. His brother Aidan chose Mario.

Aidan is neurotypical, and you couldn’t find a better brother for a child with autism. Aidan is compassionate, patient, and understanding with his brother. And he showed those qualities with our Kai as well.

It was interesting watching the three of them interact. Our Kai was acting like the supervisor, telling the boys which course he wanted them to race. And the twins cooperated for the most part, and enjoyed the races our Kai had them do.

When Aidan wanted to play a different Wii game, I helped negotiate a compromise with our Kai. But for the most part, the boys played by themselves. And they played together longer than perhaps any play date we’ve ever set up for Kai.

It allowed us grownups to have a surprisingly relaxed time to get to know each other, a time that we enjoyed very much.

New friends + happy kids = a wonderful evening.

All thanks to our two Kai’s.

Best Friends

Our son’s best friend and his family came over for a play date this weekend.

A few months ago, we didn’t even know that Kai had a friend, let alone someone who would be considered a best friend. But we had heard from his teachers how much Kai liked this one boy in his class. And then we saw them together on a few occasions since then and it was obvious that they had a special bond.

On this occasion, they were clearly happy to see each other. They didn’t interact with each other all the time, but they did so often. And that was a lot more than Kai interacted with other kids on play dates we had set up for him when he was younger.

My favorite moment was when we started walking back to our house after they had played at a nearby playground. The two boys held hands. And they maintained the embrace all the way home.

My son has a good friend. It’s enough to bring a tear to my eye.

Play Date a Great Time for Parents, Too

It is very unusual for us to go over to friends’ houses so we really enjoyed our visit with A & J on Saturday evening.

A & J have two boys on the spectrum. My wife and I are in awe that they can keep things so together when we have such difficulty with just our one son. But, it’s not like they are Super Nanny or anything like that. They are regular folks who are struggling with the same, or in some cases, even more challenging issues than we are.

It is great to go there with Kai because we know they “get it.” We never feel self conscious about Kai’s behavior, and we feel comfortable knowing that their home has been “autism-proofed” for their kids.

But, mostly, it is just nice to spend time with good folks who share a common bond.

Their younger son, Timothy, is a year younger than Kai, but they could be twins in terms of their shared passion for numbers and letters. When Kai and Timothy were younger and each doing home therapy, our mutual therapist, Rochelle, suggested play dates for the two boys. We got the boys together, and Rochelle did a good job of facilitating some activities. But, at that time, most of whatever playing they did was in parallel, with little real interaction between the two.

With both kids now in school all day, busy therapy schedules, and the distance between our houses, Kai hasn’t been over to Timothy’s house in about a year. We were curious to see how they would play with each other now.

When we arrived, Timothy greeted us at the door. We knew that Kai was looking forward to the play date, and it was obvious that Timothy was also very happy. His parents said that he had been excited all day about Kai coming over.

They immediately went to the basement together. They started by jumping on the big trampoline. Of course, they had to throw some letters and numbers on it, and bounced along all together. Soon, they were on to other activities. I was amazed to see the amount of real interaction they had. They chased each other around, brought each other toys, and talked to each other. Frankly, I couldn’t understand a lot of what they were saying, and their play, such as it was, was more silliness than anything organized. But, they understood each other, and it was great to see them laughing and having fun.

I was thrilled to see our son actually enjoying playing with another child, rather than just playing with me or Mom. My wife and I were encouraged by the amount of interaction. Wow, he really is learning how to play with another child.

The bonus of all this is that, with the kids occupying themselves so nicely, we parents had some time to enjoy each other’s company as well. A delicious meal, good conversation, shared bond, and even some relaxing moments; we couldn’t have hoped for a better time.

For some parents, this kind of evening must seem pretty routine. But, for us, this was a very special treat.

Working at Playing

With all this time off during winter break, most kids are probably spending a lot of time playing with their friends. It’s something that we would love for our son to do as well, but that doesn’t happen too often right now.

Like all kids with autism, Kai’s social skills are deficient and he does not play well with other children. In addition, he seems to have little interest in playing with other kids, preferring instead to play with me and Mom. And so, my wife, especially, worries that Kai will grow up without having any friends.

Over the years, we’ve set up play dates for Kai with various other children. We quickly learned that these need to be facilitated in order to have any value at all. Unlike with typical kids, you cannot just put a child with autism together with another child and expect them to play together.

Instead, a successful play date will often involve some type of organized activity with a shared goal. A skilled facilitator can help the kids learn how to take turns, communicate, and work in tandem while developing skills such as sharing, compromising, learning to think on the fly, reading social cues, and dealing with their emotions.

When Kai was younger and wasn’t in school all day, he did his ABA therapy at home and it was easier to set up play dates. His lead therapist for many years, Mary, was wonderful at facilitating activities between Kai and whatever peers we could find. But, over the past year, his schedule changed and Mary moved away and we are finding that it is much harder for us to facilitate play dates on our own.

One challenge is just finding peers that are appropriate play partners. While some neurotypical kids may potentially make good partners for our son, we are not very close with many parents. And, without a previously established relationship with the other parent, it is hard to overcome the possible stigma of having a play date end up badly because your son had some type of meltdown.

Parents of other kids on the spectrum are likely to be more understanding. But there, it is sometimes difficult to find a child that is a good match in terms of interests, temperament and abilities. And, while a trained facilitator may be able to pair two kids who have trouble with social skills, it is a lot harder for us parents.

When Kai was in school just half the day while in preschool and kindergarten, we had him in therapeutic groups that worked on these social skills. But, as he is now in school until mid afternoon, it is harder to find one that fits his schedule.

A few months ago, we thought that we found a good group for him. We brought him in to the psychologist and speech therapist who were running it so that they could make sure that he matched well with the other kids in the group. He passed the evaluation, but, after the first session, they said that he could no longer attend because his social skills were not up to par with the other children. Imagine the rejection we felt. Our son, who already has trouble fitting in, being turned away by professionals who set up a group specifically to help kids like him.

But, we’re not giving up. This is too important.

I just never would have thought that it would take so much work to teach a child how to play.