Karate – Yame

Yame is the Japanese word for stop. In Kai’s karate class, Sensei often says it when it is time for the kids to end a particular drill.

My son has never really liked going to karate class. But we kept sending him because we thought it would be good for him. And, for a long time, it was.

When Kai first started karate, he was not able to follow his school teacher’s instructions. So, we weren’t very confident that he would be able to listen to and follow Sensei’s instructions at karate class. When he was able to, we were pleasantly surprised.

Sensei’s tough approach was quite a change from the gentler approach of most of Kai’s female therapists. But it seemed like it was just the prod Kai needed to accomplish more.

But lately, Kai has not responded well. He is not motivated in the class, and then talks back to Sensei when he gets on Kai. Kai has set a terrible example for the younger students. And it is embarrassing for my wife and I, as the other special needs kids in the class all seem to enjoy karate and take it seriously.

Last week, Sensei spoke to my wife just before the class was to begin. If Kai acted out, he would have to leave the dojo. He would not be permitted to stay.

During warmups, Kai got upset. He started throwing around the equipment. When he refused to clean up the mess he made. Sensei asked him to leave.

My wife brought him home. She was really frustrated. We both were, although I wasn’t there to personally experience this last incident. Things had become really bad as all of the other kids were taunting Kai about what a bad job he did.

Kai lost privileges that day. But we had to decide if we would continue sending him.

During some of the tough times we’ve had before, I’ve encouraged my wife to persist and keep Kai in the class. But I think it’s now time for a change.

There’s no excuse for his poor attitude.

But I don’t think forcing him to continue attending karate will change his attitude, especially with Sensei apparently losing all patience with Kai, and with the other kids joining in to deride him.

In sports, sometimes a change is needed to revitalize a team that has tuned out the old coach. Maybe that is the case here.

And so, we will say “yame” to this karate class.

Personally, I will miss taking him every Saturday morning. The friendships I had with a couple of the other dads provided the only adult conversations I regularly have with anyone other than my wife. And though I would have liked to continue to attend the Karate Dads’ Club, I am putting my son first.

Hopefully we will find another outlet to teach Kai the discipline he was learning through karate, one that will also provide good physical exercise.

But I’ll miss my buddies at the dojo.

“My Dad Always Tells Me Never to Quit”

Over the past several weeks, my son has wanted to quit soccer, karate, and his piano lessons, among other things. Going back further, you could throw swim lessons in there, too.

When he wants to quit, it is not like Kai comes to us and calmly tells us that he is getting tired of the activity or that he’d rather do something else. No, instead he makes a public spectacle, throwing himself on the ground and screaming at us in front of other parents. He will shout that he hates soccer (or whatever) and that he is never doing it again.

On the occasions that I am with him when he does this, I tell him that he can take a break to calm down, but that he is not going to quit. I try to empathize with him about whatever struggles he is having on that particular day, and explain that if he quits, he will never overcome his difficulties. I remind him of other activities that he wanted to quit, such as swimming, that he really hated at first, but grew to not only become competent at, but also truly enjoy. I repeat that he will not quit, and tell him that if he becomes a quitter, he will never get anywhere in life.

Usually my words seem to have no impact on him as the spectacle continues for quite awhile. He almost never continues the activity nicely on that day. I’ve often wondered if my words had any effect on him at all.

It is not easy to deal with Kai when he is like this, and, at times, it gets to be too much for my wife. She has become frustrated and at various times said that we should stop the piano lessons, karate, and swim lessons. Each time I’ve implored her to continue, at least for a while. If we are to stop an activity, I want it to be on our terms, not because Kai raised a huge ruckus and said he was quitting.

This past Friday, Kai played piano nicely for his teacher. Then, Saturday morning, with my father-in-law in the stands watching for the first time, he did his best ice-skating ever as his skating class has started up again. He followed that up with a really good effort at his karate class. Then, in the afternoon, he had his best soccer game. Kai scored four or five goals, but what I was happy about was that he played with enthusiasm and ran up and down the field throughout the whole game.

Driving home from the game, with my father-in-law sitting next to me in the front seat, I heard him talking with Mom in the back seat. My wife mentioned how another boy did not participate much this week because he had gotten upset about something, much like Kai had a few weeks ago.

Kai then said, “My dad always tells me never to quit.”

I could hardly believe my ears. I actually had to confirm it with my wife later to make sure that I heard that correctly. But, yes, that is what he said.

What a revelation. Though I did not know it, I guess he sometimes listens to me after all.

A New Day

Last weekend, my son threw a fit and did not play in his soccer game. Then, during the week, he had an awful session at his karate class where he refused to do many of the activities. (I’ll have more about all that in this week’s Patch column that should be posted tomorrow).

So, this weekend, we had trepidations about those two activities.

On Saturday morning, I spoke to Kai at breakfast and set my expectations for him. I said that I knew he could do a good job at karate because he had done so before. I told him that I wanted him to listen to Sensei and set a good example for the class. I also said that I wanted him to play soccer without complaining. I was positive, but also added that if he did not do the activities nicely, he would lose his computer and video privileges.

As the karate class started, I was tense as I sat in the stands. I didn’t relax even when Kai got off to a good start. He was doing all of the warm-up exercises nicely, but it was early. With Kai, I’ve learned that you never know when he might get upset about something and start acting out.

As the group went on to doing karate, Kai looked very serious. Frankly, I was surprised how well he was doing. His form is often not crisp, but on this day he seemed very focused and his movements were unusually sharp.

Toward the end of class, each student had to perform kata (karate movements) individually in front of the entire class. Kai performed well, and, at the end of the class, earned high praise from Sensei. “Kai, that’s the best karate you’ve ever done.”

One activity down, one more to go.

In the afternoon, we went to his soccer game. Kai played. He ran. He kicked. He did not complain. It was a complete change from the week before.

Later, we heard from the mom of another child at the game. She said that she congratulated Kai for his play and he responded to her, “I always knew I could do it.”

I am not sure why he did so well this week or why he had so much trouble last week. I can only hope that the positive behavior will carry over to school, another area that has been a challenge of late.

It’s a new day. It’s a new week. Hopefully, it is a new beginning.

Unbelievable

We are friends with a couple who have twins, a boy and girl. The kids are neurotypical, and so, even though they are about a year younger than Kai, they are much further along developmentally.

When they were younger, we had play dates with them. But, Kai did not play well. Much of the time, he sat in Mom’s lap, or got upset, or otherwise did not engage with the other kids.

It has been a while since we’ve seen them, but they stopped by a few weeks ago to drop things off for the Japan-relief benefit garage sale that my wife was having.

The boy, Benny, proudly told me that he just made yellow belt in karate. I offered my congratulations. Then, I mentioned that Kai was taking karate, too. Benny asked what color belt Kai had. When I told him that Kai was a green belt, his jaw dropped and his mouth was agape.

It was obvious that he could not believe that Kai, the boy who was always acting like a baby when he came over to play, the one who could not even ride a bike when he and his sister were able to, the child who would hardly play with him, was actually a higher belt than he was. And not just one level higher, but two.

He said, “Kai is a green belt?!?” as if he could not believe what he heard.

No worries, Benny. I wouldn’t have believed it either if I didn’t see it with my own eyes.

Progress, But Not Without Holes

He did it. My son earned a green belt in his karate class yesterday.

I marveled at how well Kai did. He really knew all of the kata (karate movements), performing them as well as any of the kids. He performed with no hesitation, demonstrating his confidence.

Even more amazingly, he kept quiet while the other kids were performing their routines. The first time Kai took a karate test more than a year ago, he couldn’t stop chatting and laughing when he was watching the others. We felt embarrassed over how disrespectful he was. This time, after being the first to perform the test, he managed to sit still while all the other kids had their turns.

There was another thing that surprised me that had nothing to do with performing karate. When one of the teenaged sempai (teaching assistant) entered the locker room before the test, Kai greeted him with a loud “Hello, Michael.” He followed up with an enthusiastic “How are you doing?” I don’t recall very many times when my son initiated a social greeting like that, at least not without following it up with a question about elements or the other person’s age.

The day wasn’t a complete success, however. Kai came home from school with a large hole in the green t-shirt he wore for St. Patrick’s Day. He had bitten his shirt when he got upset in P.E. over being tagged in a tagging game.

That’s my son. One moment he chews holes in clothing over something that makes no sense to us; another moment he impresses us with how much he has matured.

I’ll take the progress. Now, we need to fill in the holes.

Going for Green

Yesterday I wrote about Green Smoothies. Today, my son goes for a green belt on his karate exam. Happy Saint Patrick’s Day, everyone!

My son has been in a karate class for kids with special needs for a year and a half. When Kai first started, we thought that he would not be able to keep up with his peers in the class. Based on his performance in school at the time, it seemed likely that he would not be able to listen and follow along with the rest of the group. Also, physically, his core muscles were weak, he lacked coordination, and did not have good control of his body or awareness of his body in motion.

That he was able to learn and fit in with the class after just a few weeks was an eye opener for us. A lot of credit goes to the firm methods of the sensei who was able to get Kai to focus and perform well.

Kai earned his yellow belt in a few months and then an orange one after about a year. Still, he always kept a pretty nonchalant attitude. While the other kids seemed to take the karate more seriously, Kai often had a goofy smile on his face while practicing his kata (karate movements). Not exactly ninja like.

Recently, however, he has become more diligent. For the first time, he cares about the test. He wants his green belt. And, he seems confident that he will get it. At class earlier in the week, after he demonstrated his kata, he told sensei, “I did a good job. Can I have my green belt today? Of course sensei barked at him that he would have to take the test.

So, we shall see how it goes today. I don’t know if he is quite ready to be awarded the green belt just yet. But, I am happy to see how he has matured.

Whether he goes green or stays orange, it will be a nice Saint Patty’s day for us.

Karate Test Measures Progress

My son has been doing karate for a little over a year through a program for kids with special needs.

When we observed the class before enrolling Kai, we could hardly believe that all of the kids we saw had special needs, as most seemed indistinguishable from typical kids.  Kai would surely stick out, we thought, because he wouldn’t follow directions or be able to do the things the other kids were doing.  At that time, he had just started kindergarten at our neighborhood school, and the school was reporting problems with his behavior every day.  If he could not pay attention and follow along with other kids at school, we were skeptical that he would be able to do so in the karate class.

To our surprise, it did not take long before Kai was participating in the class just the way the other kids were.  The instructor, or sensei, at this dojo has a presence that commands the students’ attention and respect.   Sensei has a way of both encouraging and goading the kids to accomplish things they had never done before. 

Each class includes a series of exercises, activities, and karate techniques.  Besides learning karate, the kids work on building strength, balance, and coordination.  But, in addition to the physical activity, what I like is that Kai is learning to listen, follow directions, and participate in a group setting. 

Yesterday, the class was tested for their belt promotions.  Kai has been a yellow belt for quite awhile now.  Six months ago, he tested for orange belt but did not succeed as he was not able to do the required karate movements, or kata, without Sensei giving him all of the steps.  At that time, his movements lacked precision, and his fun-loving personality too often made it appear that he did not take karate seriously.  He has made progress since then, but we were not sure it was enough to be able to pass the test.

To prepare for this exam, my wife practiced the kata with Kai every night.  She had memorized the movements herself and worked with Kai until he knew them as well.

As we sat in the bleachers of the dojo watching the students go through the routines for the test, most of the parents appeared to be more tense than the kids.  My wife was particularly nervous.  The exam began with a series of exercises where the students had to perform according to Sensei’s instructions.  At one point, Kai struggled to lift a bar and my wife whispered her encouragement, “Come on, Kai.”  His left arm appeared to be particularly weak and for a few moments it looked like he wouldn’t be able to do it.  I think we were both afraid that he would get frustrated which might then lead to a meltdown.  But, he finally got the bar up and my wife breathed a heavy sigh of relief.  

The test moved on to the karate portion. First, they had to listen to Sensei’s commands and execute the proper movement.  Kai did this very well.  It was amazing how much better he was able to listen and respond compared to six months ago. 

When it came time to do the kata, Kai looked very comfortable and confident as he went through the entire routine.  Here, the practice sessions with Mom paid off particularly well.

Finally, he had to sit quietly and watch the other kids perform.  It was no small accomplishment that he was able to contain his goofy, chatterbox personality while watching the others.  His restraint was indicative that he is gaining more self control. 

After everyone finished, the parents in the stands anxiously awaited Sensei’s verdicts.  As he came to Kai, my wife held her breath.  When he announced that Kai had earned his orange belt, she had tears in her eyes as we cheered Kai on. 

As Sensei put the orange belt around Kai, we could hear Kai telling him that he worked “really, really, really, really hard” for this. 

Yes, Kai, you really did.  And, so, too, did Mom.

Congratulations!