Fall Day Means Another Bonding Experience

After our busy Saturday, we stayed close to home on Sunday. Though it wasn’t all that much less busy of a day.

Kai has wanted to put up Halloween decorations for about a month now. This past weekend, we finally granted him his wish. He and my wife went at it in the morning.

Later, it was time to rake leaves for the first time this season.

When Kai was younger, he got really excited whenever I did the fall yardwork. He would follow me around as I blew the leaves, and then gleefully jump into pile when I was all done. It was one of our early father-and-son bonding experiences, and I still recall how he would laugh when I jumped in the pile with him. Here is a photo from five years ago:

By last year, he did not get quite as excited. After the first few times last fall, he did not always even come outside when I was doing the yardwork.

But on this first occasion for this year, he was excited to join in. He playfully ran around as I blew the leaves into the pile. And then he happily jumped in. This time, he laid down right in the middle, enjoying the sensory experience as he does when he rolls around in the sand whenever we go to the beach.

Soon after, he wanted to go back inside, and wanted me to come, too. I told him that I would after I bagged up all the leaves.

I asked if he would help. And he did. By help, I mean, of course, that he would throw the leaves around and maybe half would end up in the bag.

But it was nice that he wanted to help. Our father-and-son bonding is taking a slightly different form.

All too soon, he will be grown up. I am going to enjoy these experiences while they last.

When Torn Clothing Is Not a Fashion Statement

When my son came home from school the other day, he was not wearing the shirt he had on when he left for school in the morning. He was wearing only his undershirt. When we opened his backpack, we discovered why…

Click here to read the rest of this week’s column in the Patch.

A Swinging Good Time

My son hates swings. Or at least, he did until recently.

As I wrote in my recent Patch column, Kai has difficulty with motor coordination. He has trouble catching a ball, and never wanted to ride a tricycle, let alone a bicycle.

And he never goes on swings.

A couple of weeks ago, Kai went to a playground with another boy. While Kai much prefers going on slides, this other boy, who also has autism, loves swings and soars to amazing heights on them. That is one small example of how kids with autism can be very different.

For some reason, on this occasion, Kai surprised Mom by telling her that he wanted to go on a swing, too. So, my wife helped him on and gave him gentle pushes. Before, whenever we tried the swings, Kai stayed on for only a short time before jumping off. But this time he stayed on for a long time.

I could hardly believe it when they got home and my wife told me that Kai asked to go on a swing.

But, the other day, Kai and I made our way over to the local playground. Again, he went on a swing. As you can see by the picture, he actually seems to be enjoying it. I’ve got to work with him on moving his legs and body so that he can propel himself better, but this is a start.

Oh, what’s that? Yes, he is wearing a bicycle helmet. But, that is a story for another day.

Hole-y Earth Week T-Shirt

Our son’s school asked all students to wear green yesterday as part of the Earth Week activities they are having. The last time he wore green, for St. Patrick’s Day, Kai bit a big hole in the only green shirt he has. And so, we had to decide if we should get him a new one for Earth Week.

The truth is that we sometimes send our son to school in shirts that have holes in them. Does that make us bad parents?

When Kai gets upset, he bites. He has bitten me, but I am now pretty good at keeping his mouth away from my body. The staff at his school is, too. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t try. And, when he can’t bite people, he still wants to bite something.

It is common for kids with autism to have sensory issues. Many crave oral stimulation and end up chewing on their clothing. In my son’s case, this tendency increases when he becomes disregulated. And when he is really upset, he doesn’t just chew; he bites with such fury that he often rips a hole right through his clothes.

We try to get him to chew on other things. When he starts to get agitated, we often give him gum. They do the same at school. We also have tried various sensory chew toys. Although they can work well, you have to remember to keep them with you at all times because you never know when you will need it. And when Kai is really mad, sometimes he will just throw it back at you when you offer it to him.

Similarly, we’ve tried Chewlery® which are chewable bracelets. The idea is that he can wear it and so it will be with him whenever he has the need to chew. But, he doesn’t seem to like having it on his wrist, so he takes it off. We’ve lost so many that it just doesn’t seem worth it.

As a result, many times he ends up biting a hole in his shirt.

If we were to throw out every shirt that had a hole in it, we would be replacing his wardrobe every few weeks or so. It just is not practical. And so, he often goes to school wearing a shirt with a hole in it.

With yesterday’s ‘wear green for Earth Week’ celebration, we had to decide whether to send him to school in non-green clothing, let him wear his old green shirt with the hole in it, or get him a new one. We decided to get him a new one.

He came home with a hole in it.

As is often the case, a change in the usual schedule may have thrown him off enough to get him upset.

As part of their Earth Week activities, the entire school had gathered to watch some videos about the environment. Just as it was to start, Kai started shouting that he was hungry. It was after lunch so there really should have been no reason for him to be hungry, let alone be shouting about it. I think the disruption to his routine overwhelmed him.

Of course, the staff had to escort him away as he was disrupting the movie for everyone. And, that just made him more upset.

Whenever he has to take a timeout at school, Kai expects everything to stop for him until he can return. But, of course, it doesn’t work that way. Class goes on without him, or, in this case, the movie started without him. As he was serving out his timeout, he got furious that he was missing out on the film. And his new shirt paid the consequences.

It is now a not-so-new looking shirt with a big hole in front.

We won’t throw it away, though. Hey, it’s Earth Week. We are just doing our part to recycle.

A Spot of Ketchup, A Bewildered Dad

I should be used to it by now. But it still confounds me how seemingly little things can bother my son.

I know that sometimes sensory issues can cause him distress. But, there are times when I am baffled as to why something upsets him so much.

Take the other night, for instance. Kai was having a burger and fries for dinner. He sometimes likes to dip his fries in ketchup, so my wife squeezed a little on his plate, off to the side of the burger.

From his reaction, you might have thought that she put a live octopus on his plate. He screamed that he wanted the ketchup off his plate immediately.

There are many times when we adapt to Kai’s persnickety ways. We’ve let him have separate forks for his meat and his vegetables, just to name one example. But, on this night, it didn’t feel right. I couldn’t see any reason why he couldn’t have a little ketchup on his plate. After all, it wasn’t touching his other food. It was just there.

It would have far easier just to clean the ketchup off (trust me on this one). But, at that moment, I decided that he needed to eat his dinner with the ketchup on his plate. Perhaps I was influenced because of the way Kai screamed about it instead of asking nicely. Maybe it was because he had already angrily refused to try the new soup that was also served for dinner.

Regardless, I didn’t think it was a good idea to make accommodations for something that seemed to have no logic behind it. I thought that it was important to teach my son to be flexible, and that he shouldn’t let a silly thing like ketchup on his plate bother him so. I thought that he should understand that not everything in the world will be changed for him just because it bothers him.

It became quite an ordeal. He shouted and screamed and said many threatening words. Of course, he went into a timeout.

Eventually, he calmed down and ended up back at the dinner table. He tried some of the soup. And when he had a few bites of the hamburger, I gave him a clean plate with no ketchup on it.

Was I wrong to try to leave the ketchup on the plate, knowing how upset it made him? What is the balance between trying to teach a child with autism to be more flexible, and doing what it takes to keep him from getting too upset? Is there a good reason, sensory or otherwise, why having ketchup on the plate should make him so angry? Is there a better approach?

Bewildered and unsure, that is the state of this particular dad trying to raise a child with autism.

Pass the ketchup, please.