New England Vacation – Day 12: Diver Ed, Bar Harbor, and the Nice Day with the Terrible Ending

Does this sound familiar: we had a pretty good day, spoiled by a very ugly end to the day.

It was a foggy morning on the Maine coast.

Our activity for the morning would be to take the Diver Ed's Dive-In Theater boat ride.

Diver Ed is the captain and a very gregarious fellow. His outgoing, fun personality was a perfect match for all the kids on this trip, including Kai.

Ed takes his boat out about 15 minutes into Frenchman's Bay, then drop anchor. He dons his dry suit and dives down about 60 feet with an underwater video camera. We are able to watch on the large video monitor while he speaks to us from the bottom of the ocean. His wife, Naomi, up on deck with us, also comments on what Ed is showing us.

Ed found and showed us many sea creatures, including this sea urchin.

This lobster was feisty and Ed had fun with it.

Here's a colorful sea cucumber.

The underwater shots were amazing, but that was only half of the adventure. While underwater, Ed was collecting creatures to bring with him back up into the boat.

Here he shows Kai a sea urchin.

Kai is flabbergasted when Ed puts a sea cucumber in his mouth.

And Kai was laughing as Ed was about to kiss this crab.

Once Ed was done showing everyone the creatures he brought up to the boat, it was time for the kids to get hands on themselves. Here's Kai holding a sea cucumber.

And here he is enjoying another sea cucumber.

Let's examine this lobster. Is it a boy or a girl? Diver Ed showed us how to tell the difference.

Here Kai is examining a sea star. Diver Ed explained that the sea stars (formerly known as starfish) are all very small these days. They don't see any much bigger than this one.

Before we left the hotel in the morning, I had told Kai that there would be other kids on the boat. They might get to hold some of the creatures first so he would have to be patient and wait for his turn. We did not want him to get frustrated or angry. While he said he understood, my wife and I were on pins and needles the entire time hoping that nothing would set him off. Fortunately, he was happy the entire time.

This was probably his favorite activity of the entire vacation. He loves seeing and, especially, holding creatures so this was the perfect activity for him. It was very educational, but with Diver Ed and Naomi entertaining the kids (and adults), it was also very fun. We highly recommend this for anyone with kids who are traveling to Bar Harbor.

After we got off the boat, we went into town for lunch. We were tired of eating mostly western food. Surprisingly, Bar Harbor does not have any sushi restaurants so we settled on Chinese. I am not picky about Chinese food; you can't have a bad Chinese meal. But this restaurant was disappointing. It wasn't horrible by any means, but definitely nothing too special.

After lunch we took a walk along the Bar Harbor shore.

We came upon this Balance Rock. It looks like just one little push will send it into the ocean, but apparently, despite appearances, it is still standing there.

After completing our shore walk, we toured down Main Street and stopped for ice cream. It took the entire wait in line for Kai to finally decide on coconut, while my wife had blueberry ice cream (apparently blueberries are very popular here), and I tried the lobster ice cream (vanilla with chunks of lobster). I liked the blueberry the best; the lobster one tasted just like vanilla.

After that, Kai and I went back to the hotel so that Kai could have his break. My wife went shopping, then came back so I could see a few shops. Then, it was time to go to the pool.

For dinner, after walking all over town, we decided on a restaurant along the docks. My wife had crab cakes, Kai had a pizza off the kids' menu, and I had a baked stuffed lobster. I was hoping that the "baked" part would make the lobster different enough from the previous night's lobster, but the "lobster" part just could not compare to the phenomenal lobster I had the night before. Plus, despite that Kai's kids meal was very cheap, the cost for all of us was higher than the three lobsters we had at the lobster pound.

After dinner we walked over to the land bridge to Bar Island. This land bridge is exposed only for a couple hours during low tide, and connects the mainland to Bar Island. During high tide, it is under water.

As the sun had already set, and the fog had rolled back in, we could not see the island from the mainland. As we started walking along the land bridge, we had no idea how long the path was. My wife was all for turning back, but Kai wanted to keep going all the way to the island. I was surprised that he wanted to walk so much, but he was in a great mood and very curious about what lie ahead.

It took about 15-20 minutes, and we finally made it to the island. Although it was nearly pitch black by then, using the flashlight on my cell phone, we could see that many other visitors had piled stones into miniature stone sculptures.

We then hurriedly walked back to the mainland, my wife being concerned that the tide would come up and strand us.

Up to then this had been perhaps our best day of the vacation. Kai had enjoyed all of the things we did that day.

And then, suddenly, it all changed.

When we got back to the mainland, Kai saw where we were and he got very upset that we would have a long walk back to the hotel. He demanded that I find a short cut, but when I explained that there is no short cut, he got very angry. I told him that there was nothing we could do but walk back to the hotel. Of course, it was, as always, all my fault.

He was very angry the entire way back to the hotel, often using 4-letter expletives to loudly voice his displeasure. I tried not to think about what other people were thinking of us. I felt like I was seeing first hand what he must be like at school every day.

When we were back in the room, he continued to express his anger. And as is common when he is like this, he makes very nasty personal comments. We told him to just be quiet, but he continued to persist.

When he makes things this personal, it is very difficult to stay calm. And on this night, my wife and I did not.

We had had enough of his complaining and anger and being nasty. We felt like we do everything for him and he constantly behaves in the most selfish, spoiled manner. When we told him this, he said that it is because he has autism.

While I know that there are many challenges that arise from his autism, we hate when he uses that as an excuse for all of his problems.

How much of his behavior is the direct result of autism? How much of it is due to his own personality or mindset?

Having autism may cause one to become frustrated more easily and not think rationally, but does it also mean that you have to be so nasty to your loved ones when you are frustrated?

For a moment, my wife wanted to cut short the vacation and see if we could find an earlier flight home. I didn't think that was practical, but in that moment, I was thinking that I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to take another vacation with Kai again.

As time passes, I'm sure my thinking will change.

But I can feel that every time something like this happens, my resolve gets worn down little by little.

Can I be the Balance Rock that stays standing despite the odds?

New England Vacation – Day 10: More of New Hampshire, Then on to Maine

Day 10 was mostly a calm, good day, punctuated by one short but intense burst of anger.

We would be on our way toward Maine, but had a few sights to see before we left New Hampshire.

We stopped at Flume Gorge and walked the short trail. The weather would get hot later in the day, but in the morning this wooded trail was cool and comfortable, perfect for a nice walk.

As we followed the trail, we came to the most spectacular part, where a narrow gorge had formed.

And at the end of the trail, we came upon a small waterfall.

After we left that area, we drove the Kancamagus Highway, designated as an American Scenic Byway. The highway cuts a path through the White Mountain National Forest.

As the road was very curvy and featured a couple of hairpin turns, we advised Kai not to use the iPad. And when he is not on the iPad in the car, he tends to fall asleep. So, he missed the most scenic parts of the drive.

When he awoke, he told us that we had to find a bathroom “RIGHT NOW!”

Alas, we had come to a construction zone where one side of the two-lane highway was shut down, and traffic was held up on our end until the cars going the other way had finished their turn.

Kai started screaming.

We told him that we would try to find a bathroom as soon as we could but he would have to hold it for a little while.

His screaming got really intense. We told him that we heard him and understood his urgency, his screaming just got more and more intense. There is no way I can overstate how angry and upset he was.

Although I tried to stay calm, his constant screaming was really difficult to take.

He is not a young child anymore. He should be able to ‘hold it’ for a while. And he should be able to give us a warning instead of suddenly having a state of emergency.

Is this is how it will always be with him? Will he never learn to think ahead? Will he always get this angry when faced with frustrations?

After showing improvement in his earlier years, it feels like things have stalled out the past year or two. His anger is worse and his frustrations are getting harder to deal with. These days, when he gets this upset, his anger is directed at us in a very nasty way.

When it was our turn to finally to drive through the construction zone, we came upon a gas station immediately after.

Thank goodness.

He was still angry at me – somehow it was all my fault – but at least the crisis was over.

Eventually he calmed down, and we had a peaceful drive the rest of the way.

During the whole state of emergency, we had crossed over into Maine – my 50th state! – but we weren’t in any mood to mark the milestone.

In late afternoon, we reached our destination for the next couple days – Bar Harbor. And we had plenty of time to go to the pool.

We enjoyed a seafood dinner where we sat outside and watched the crowd of tourists.

We had a very friendly waiter who chatted with Kai about the games he was playing on the iPad, and got him to smile and even answer a few questions.

Let’s see what else Maine has in store for us.

End of Elementary School

Kai finished up elementary school this past week and will start at the middle school for summer school tomorrow.

He was all smiles at his graduation ceremony, which was held three days before the actual end of school.

But on the last day of school, a day intended to be full of fun activities, Kai got upset. My understanding is that he got mad when his team lost in some sports competition.

As has happened so many times before, he took his anger out on the shirt he was wearing, ripping it completely in half.

That he did this during his last moments at the school seems fitting, as it was typical of the challenges we've endured the past 5 1/2 years.

In many ways, Kai has made a lot of progress and is a completely different child than when he first started at the school. But I think the end result of all of the ups and downs for me is that I am less optimistic now than ever before that Kai will be capable of leading any semblance of a "normal" life. The anger issues don't seem to go away. Academically, he seems to have made almost no progress in math in the past three years, going from a second grader who held his own in the 5th grade classroom for math to a 5th grader who struggles with math problems that are the least bit challenging.

The goal has always been that he go to college, get some type of job, and be able to live independently. I think I've started to lose hope of that over the past year especially.

So now he is on to middle school. His teacher and therapist there say that they've seen kids make remarkable progress when they go through middle school. I can only hope that Kai will be one of those kids.

Anger and Frustration

We received an email from Kai’s teacher mid-day yesterday. At first, I thought it was a pleasant email.

She told us that he would be joining the other fifth grade class just for math as that classroom had a group that was working at a faster pace and we had thought that Kai was ready for more challenging work in the subject.

We also thought that Kai would be happy with the news as he has long considered the other class the “real” fifth grade classroom and he was extremely disappointed when he was not placed in that room at the beginning of the school year, a feeling he has maintained even all these many months later.

The teacher then went on to tell us that because Kai had written a very persuasive letter to her, she agreed to get two pet hamsters for the classroom.

So far, so good.

But then she went on to tell us the bad news.

This was the first day of the hamsters and the kids were very excited. The teacher asked them to talk quietly so as to not scare the new pets. Apparently another student did something to upset Kai and he started to complain in a loud voice. He did not quiet down as asked, and was asked to take a break away from the pets, where his anger continued.

Later, he was the last one called to line up for PE. He does not like being last, and no matter how often we tell him to shrug off things like that, he too often gets upset. In this case, he slammed the classroom door, spoke of harming the hamsters, and then got violent with the staff when they asked him to take a timeout. As before, he ended up destroying another shirt, plus his new fleece jacket as well as his new eyeglass strap.

When I got home from work, he was still mopey, hiding out under the covers in his bed. After calling him to come down to dinner several times, he finally came to the kitchen where he knew he would have to talk about the unpleasant events at school.

If he had said how sorry he was for destroying his clothing and hurting the staff, and if he had expressed any regret at all, we would have been somewhat sympathetic. But, as is usually the case, he started to rage about how terrible the staff was and how he would never go back to that classroom again.

“And that’s all I’m going to say about it!” he yelled.

I told him that he had lost his iPad privileges for a full week, his longest such punishment yet. “And that’s all I’m going to say about it,” I said.

Though I didn’t actually stop there. As Kai raged about the punishment, my wife and I explained, yet again, how he needed to accept responsibility for his actions. And to not blame others. And to not react so angrily when he is frustrated.

Of course, he only got angrier when we spoke. We told him to go to his room and to calm himself down.

We could hear his shouting for a good long time before he quieted down. When he finally came back down to the kitchen, he said he was sorry for getting so angry and behaving inappropriately.

He said in his anger he had pulled out one of his teeth, and he was holding a tissue full of his blood, as well as his tooth.

He said he wanted to put the tooth under his pillow for the Tooth Fairy. We told him that the Tooth Fairy doesn’t come when you pull out your own tooth like that.

This morning, he got out of bed very slowly, but he finally did get up. It appears that he will go to school without too much of a struggle.

And so we will await to see if we get another dreaded email today.

But we question what to do now.

Kai’s anger and frustration is very evident. But ours is growing along with it. Well, that along with a growing feeling of despair.

We are considering stopping our Point Store incentive as the motivation to earn points does not seem to affect Kai when it matters most, which is when he is frustrated and angry. His failures to achieve goals seem to only get him depressed.

My wife wants to cancel all birthday presents for him as he has to pay back all for all the property he has destroyed. I can appreciate the sentiments but am guessing that she will relax her views just a bit as his birthday nears.

So what will we do? What adjustments can we make?

As frustrating as this is as parents, I think it is important to maintain hope that Kai can find a way to control his emotions better. Right now, he doesn’t believe he can. And so, he will need us to believe for him until he learns how.

That won’t be easy.

More Shredded Clothing

Kai has had a long history of ripping his shirts to shreds when he gets upset at school. He hasn't done that too much lately, though. But this past week he expanded his repertoire. This time he totally shredded his pants.

In case you can't tell from the picture, both pant legs are ripped from top to bottom, plus there's smaller tears in the waistband.

Frankly, I was impressed with his strength as these were rather thick sweat pants. And they were almost new, by the way. As with his shirts, Kai seems to rip only the clothing that is new and in good condition.

Our understanding is that he got upset when one of the classroom staff was going to read a story to the class. Originally the students were told that they could sit at their desks, but then they were instructed to sit in the back of the classroom. For some reason, this seemingly minor change in plans got Kai upset, and he could not control his anger.

Earlier in the week he got upset by a similar change in plans. That time the prompt was when the class had to unexpectedly eat their lunch in the common area instead of in the classroom when another student was having some issues in the classroom.

While Kai has made progress in many ways, his inability to control his anger remains a big issue, and one that will keep him from realizing his potential.

The one good thing was that he accepted the consequences much better this time. He had a good weekend, despite losing the use of the iPad for much of the time.

He spent some time playing with Legos, making his own creation - a Lego mini golf course.

In the past he has mostly just followed the instructions that come with the sets, so it is good to see him going beyond the sets and being creative.

So, we had some good to go with the bad. I guess that's par for the course.

Challenges and the 5K

Our challenges with Kai have continued the past couple of weeks.

During the short break between the end of the school year and the beginning of summer school, we went up to Michigan. We left Kai with his grandparents for two days/one night while my wife and I went to my dad’s old house along with my sister and brother-in-law to go through all of the stuff that is still there.

We had left Kai with his grandparents a couple of months earlier, and that time all went relatively well. This time, not so much.

Kai gave his grandparents a hard time, not listening and oftentimes refusing to do anything other than playing on the iPad. His grandfather is more like me in that he is not one to put up with such behavior, and apparently Kai didn’t like it when he didn’t get his way.

He fired his grandfather, apparently similar to how he has fired me and his teachers many times in the past.

Sigh.

You don’t fire your grandfather.

You can be sure that we had a good talk with Kai on the car ride home. But one of our challenges has been that reasoning does not seem to always work well with him.

How do you correct behavior when he does not seem to comprehend what he did wrong?

* * * * *
The day after we got home from Michigan, Kai started summer school. He also transitioned into his fifth grade classroom.

He did not have an auspicious start.

He had an incident in the very first moment of his first day of fifth grade.

He had some problem with saying the Pledge of Allegiance. We are not sure what his issue with the Pledge is, but we had heard from him before that he does not like it. This time he disrupted class and got him off to a rocky start.

It didn’t get much better.

He had other incidents during the week.

But the worst was at the very end of the week.

While riding the van back to school after a field trip to the aquarium in the city, Kai said that he had to use the bathroom. This, despite having used the bathroom just prior to getting on the van. When the driver could not find a bathroom, Kai dropped his pants and peed right in the van. While we can’t say for sure, it sounds like he did it out of anger rather than because he truly could not hold it.

* * * * *
The 5K that we have been training for was run yesterday.

We weren’t nearly as ready for it as I had wanted to be. Every time I wanted to increase the distance of our training runs, Kai complained about being too tired to run. Or that his leg was sore. Or some other reason why he could not run any more. So, the longest we had run prior to the race was about half of the 5K distance we would have to cover.

I was not looking forward to the race.

But Kai seemed happy prior to the race.

He even was well behaved during the national anthem.

And when we started he ran nicely.

But after a mile or so, he was barely walking, let alone running. Kai was loudly complaining that he could not do any more.

One of his classmates caught up to us, and he encouraged Kai to keep going. Kai kept whining but we kept moving, occasionally jogging for a while before slowing down to walk.

When we were within a half mile or so of the finish, we could see the end and hear the crowd at the end. Kai started to regain energy.

He ran that entire last half mile, finishing up with a strong sprint that outpaced his mom and me.

It wasn’t painless, but it was an accomplishment, of sorts.

He did it. Ultimately, he didn't give up. He finished strong.

UPDATED for the following photo of Kai and me crossing the finish line (courtesy of one of the staff at Kai's school):

Now, hopefully we can all persevere through our other challenges and find a way to the finish line.

Striking Another Boy

So much for the hope that my son would have a better day at school.

When I called my wife after work yesterday, she told me that Kai had a major incident at school. He had struck another boy.

Every Wednesday, Kai’s school rewards students who have been safe for the past week with a video during lunchtime. Kai had had an incident earlier in the week so he did not qualify.

He’s known for a few days that he would not get to watch the movie, but he still has difficulty handling disappointment. And so it seems that he was upset when other kids were enjoying their movie while he was not.

What happened after that is open to question. After Kai’s teacher phoned my wife, my wife had the impression that Kai hit another boy for no reason other than that boy getting to watch the movie that Kai could not.

But when we questioned Kai at home later, he said that he approached the boy to ask him what movie they had seen. When the boy ignored his question, Kai got mad and hit him.

Whether or not that was the case, it still did not excuse him from hitting the boy. (And, fortunately, the boy was not hurt).

My wife and I discussed Kai’s punishment over the phone, and she talked to him sternly about it before I came home. He would not be able to use the iPad until the weekend, and if he did not finish the school week off strong, he would not be able to use it over the weekend either.

When I came home, Kai was not joking around about magically losing his Point Sheet. He knew that we would not be in any mood for silliness.

I reinforced to him that hitting a boy was not an appropriate or acceptable response. I asked him if he apologized to the boy, and he said he did.

His teacher had let my wife know that Kai had bumped his head after the incident. I asked Kai how that happened. He indicated that he deliberately hit his head on the floor in anger, something we have not seen at home in a very long time. I rebuked him and warned him that he could get brain damage if he did that.

The only positive, such as it is, is that I did not hear Kai blame anyone else for what happened which is what he usually does. He seems to understand that he was the one who did something wrong. He seems motivated to have better days today and tomorrow.

Hopefully he will be able to do it.

Absolutely Mad

My son is definitely getting more mature but that doesn’t mean that he still doesn’t get extremely upset at times.

When Kai is in the car, he regularly listens to the Kids Place Live channel on SiriusXM Satellite Radio. One of the regular features on the station is to announce kids’ birthdays.

My wife thought that Kai would get a kick out of hearing his favorite personality on the station, Absolutely Mindy, announce his birthday, and so she completed the online request.

Last week, on the day she had requested, she went to pick up Kai at school and waited with the car radio tuned in to the station. But before Kai came out of the building, Absolutely Mindy’s show started and she read the birthday announcements.

When Kai got to the car, my wife told him that Absolutely Mindy had announced his birthday on the air.

He was not happy. Not at all.

Apparently he was loud and angry the whole drive over to his therapist.

“I AM NEVER GOING TO LISTEN TO ABSOLUTELY MINDY EVER AGAIN!”

Never mind that it wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, really. You just cannot schedule the announcements for a specific time.

I didn’t find out about this whole thing until the next day. And when my wife started telling me about it, Kai was still mad.

“DON’T SAY ANYTHING, MOM!”

He didn’t want to talk about it, but my wife explained the whole thing to me anyway.

I tried to explain to Kai that it wasn’t Mindy’s fault that he missed the announcement, but he would hear nothing of it.

So, at ten years of age, he has matured quite a bit.

But he still has a ways to go on the whole misplaced anger thing.

Not Being Able to Distinguish A Deliberate Act From an Accident

Kai is doing much better overall when it comes to his anger and aggression.

But it is still not perfect.

About a month ago, Kai visited and helped out at a food bank along with other kids from school. While there, another boy accidentally dropped a can of food on Kai’s foot.

Kai is still mad about it.

We keep telling him that it was an accident. From what the school told us, the boy did not deliberately do it. But Kai has difficulty distinguishing between the two. In his mind, all that matters is that he suffered pain and so that boy is his enemy.

One further complication is that this boy and Kai share a cab to school. We understand that shortly after the “can incident,” Kai raised a ruckus in the cab when this boy sat next to him. Since then, the school has instructed the taxi driver to seat them in separate rows. And all has been calm.

But earlier this week, a new driver came to pick up Kai. We found out later that she either had not been told or had forgot about the seating arrangement.

She went to the boy’s house after picking up Kai and she seated them in the same row. Kai ended up hitting the boy with his backpack and then had trouble calming down even after he arrived at school.

It is frustrating.

1. The other boy did not intend to drop the can.
2. It happened weeks ago. Why can’t he get over it by now?
3. The taxi is a wide van; it is not like they are sitting directly next to each other. There is a space between them.
4. Kai should not react so angrily regardless.

We spoke to Kai about this. The school had already made him apologize to the boy but we had him do so again. He also apologized to the driver for the trouble he caused.

But I don’t think we have seen the last of him getting angry over an unintentional action of another.

In fact, just yesterday, he had another major incident. We didn’t get the details from school, but from Kai said, it sounds like he over-reacted when another student may have accidentally damaged a project Kai was working on during break time.

So, we will need to continue to work on this.

Consequences

We got an email from school the other day. During a field trip, Kai became upset about some change made on his van and he broke his glasses.

Frankly, I am surprised that he hadn’t broken them until now.

Most often, when he is upset at school, he bites his shirt to shreds. I wondered why he never broke his glasses.

On this occasion, we did not learn too much from Kai about the circumstances surrounding this incident. He said that there were some kids on the van that he doesn’t like.

From past experience, we know that in many cases when he complains about another child, it is often because they got the benefit of something he wanted, not because of something they did wrong.

In this case, I am guessing that perhaps they got the first choice of a seat, or maybe the teacher asked them to switch seats.

When I got home from work, my wife and I tried to talk to Kai about how inappropriate this was, and what he could have done instead. He could roll his hands into a ball, he could grit his teeth.

But he should not rip his clothes and he should definitely not break his glasses.

We told him there would be consequences. Mom and I would discuss while he took his bath.

When he came back to the kitchen after his bath, I asked him what he thought an appropriate consequence would be. At first, he kept saying he didn’t know. But when I pressed him on it, he said that maybe he couldn’t use the iPad for one day.

I told him that wasn’t enough.

We gave him a choice. He could lose his iPad privilege for four days, or lose 3,000 points from his Point Store account.

He was very close to earning a new app with his Points, and the app was due to be released the next day. So, he chose to give up his iPad.

But when I explained just how long four days was – no iPad until Monday – he changed his mind. He gave up his Points instead.

And then he got angry.

“Dad is so mean!”

My wife explained that he has to learn not to break things when he is upset. And that it wasn’t my fault – he needed to learn to accept responsibility for his own actions.

Kai spent most of the rest of the evening crying and being mad. We did not have our usual short game-time before bedtime.

At bedtime, he read the book he always reads after he has gotten upset – Angry Octopus – which is the story of an octopus who learns to control his anger through relaxation exercises.

Kai loves that book, but I don’t know that he thinks of its message in the heat of anger.

And just the very next day, yesterday, he ripped up his shirt, the souvenir we got at Mount Rushmore no less, when he was told he had to help clean up the toys he played with at his therapist’s office.

When I got home yesterday evening, the torn shirt was at my place on kitchen table. Kai was on his iPad.

I took away the iPad. But I was able to contain my frustration, (somewhat) calmly telling him that it was just the day before that we had discussed how he should not break things when he is upset.

In a low-key voice, I told him that he would not be able to use the iPad until the weekend.

He wasn’t happy, but he did not say much.

But my wife told me that after he went to bed and I shut off the light and left the room, he told her, “Dad is so strict. He should be a congressman.”

Ha, I don’t know where that came from. A congressman?

I don’t know if harsher punishments will make a difference. When he is angry, he doesn’t think rationally. He doesn’t seem to remember all that we told him.

But we have to try.

This can’t go on.

Let’s see how it goes.

Crisis! Lost Trashie!

When I came home from work the other day my wife told me that Kai was upset.

“He lost a Trashie and he’s been crying.”

Trashies are small, colorful, rubbery, gross figures with names such as Putrid Pizza, Spew-Ghetti, and Trashantula. As you can imagine, the target for these toys are boys about my son’s age. The phoro below from six months ago shows Kai holding a few of them.

There must be well over a hundred different Trashies now, and Kai is attempting to collect them all. We use them as motivators – he can earn one for every two times he does one of the exercise programs we’ve set up for him – and he now has dozens of them.

The other day, he had just earned a new one. Apparently, he was playing with it in the kitchen when he dropped it, and it disappeared.

Now these figures are small – they are about an inch tall – but they are not so small that we would lose them in our kitchen. My wife said she looked all over but could not find it. When I got home, I started looking immediately while my wife prepared dinner.

I checked all around – our kitchen is not that big so it did not take long – and, sure enough, the Trashie was nowhere to be found.

Kai came down to the kitchen. He had been in the bathroom, supposedly taking his bath, but we found out that he had yet to go in the tub and was still crying.

“Did you find it?”

No, I can’t find it.

I asked him to describe it.

“YOU HAVE TO FIND IT!”

Yes, yes, I will keep looking for it. But, can you tell me what it looks like? What color is it?

He continued to be very upset. He was yelling and crying constantly.

We tried to redirect him. “Can you draw a picture of it?”

But when Kai is upset like this, it is hard to redirect him or to get him to calm down. If anything, he got more angry.

“MOM, YOU MADE A BIG MISTAKE!”

I explained that it wasn’t Mom’s fault. She didn’t drop it, and she was helping to look for it. In fact, she had already given him a different Trashie before I got home to replace the one he had dropped.

After awhile, dinner was ready and I was hungry. “Let’s eat dinner and we’ll look for it again afterward.”

“I AM NEVER GOING TO EAT DINNER AGAIN!”

I told Kai that if he got this upset about losing a Trashie, maybe he should not collect them anymore.

My wife and I started to eat dinner. My son was still upset. But about the time that we were finished eating, he finally started to eat his dinner.

I put my plates away and looked for the lost Trashie once more. I checked outside the kitchen, looking down the stairs in the off chance that it bounced further than we thought was possible.

But we could not find it.

I deduced that the only place it could possibly be was under the built-in bench in our kitchen. There is a small opening just off the floor where a small rubbery figure could potentially bounce. You could not get it in there if you tried, but this little guy must have beat the odds and found it’s way in there.

The problem is, if that is indeed where it is, there is no getting it out. The opening is too small to stick a hand into.

Of course, when Kai found that out, he wanted to rip the bench apart. Well, we weren’t doing that.

You would think that at some point, he would get over his disappointment and anger. After all, he still had dozens of other Trashies, and would continue to earn more. What difference does one little rubber character make in the big scheme of things?

But then, that’s not really being empathetic of our son. For him, this was the most important thing in the world, at least at that moment.

We tried to be patient and understanding, but when Kai continued to yell my wife had had enough. She shouted at Kai to stop. There was nothing we could do to find the lost Trashie. He had to get over it. She did not want to hear another word. She took away the basket that held the rest of his Trash Pack collection.

I thought that might have been a bit harsh.

But, Kai finally quieted and calmed down.

He made a comment about the Trashie-eating bench, but it was said somewhat jokingly rather than in complete anger.

And while his disappointment remained, the crisis was over.

Let’s just hope he doesn’t lose another one any time soon.

Summer Camp

My son has been going to day camp this week.

Earlier in the summer, Kai had been in summer school. But the school program lasts for only five weeks, and then we went on vacation. Rather than have Kai be home this week, my wife found a one-week park district camp program.

Years ago, before his kindergarten year, I believe, we had enrolled Kai in a summer day camp. It wasn’t the most horrible experience, but from what we could tell, he struggled at times and did not seem to fit in particularly well with the typical kids. But his communication skills were far less developed then, so we didn’t hear too much about it from him firsthand.

Since then, he started attending a public therapeutic school, and they offer a summer program that is a mix of academics and camp-like recreational activities. And since it is all supervised by the school staff that is familiar with the kids, it has been really wonderful.

But with this one full week free before school starts up again, we thought it would be a good opportunity to see how Kai would do in a regular camp now. Besides, Mom is really busy this week with many dogs staying with us right now, so Kai would have to fight them for attention if he were home all day, and probably would be complaining about being bored.

It was a relief when I came home from work on Monday and Kai told me that he had fun at camp that day. I don’t think he really played with any of the other kids – he didn’t know any of the kids before camp – but all of the special needs kids are assigned companions and his kept him company all day.

The camp has a lot of activities every day with trips to places like water parks, an inflatable jump-and-slide place, and the beach. So Kai has been happy.

Though yesterday he hit his first bump. Or, perhaps I should say it hit him.

He came home without his own shirt, having chewed it up at camp. Of course, chewing up shirts is something we are very familiar with, as he did it almost daily at school for a long time before recent months when things have gone much better.

I asked Kai about his day at camp yesterday. He said he had fun in the morning. But what happened in the afternoon, I asked.

He said it was campers’ choice and everyone picked “stupid stuff.” Apparently the girls chose art and the boys chose dodge ball. It is hard to tell from Kai whether he liked the choice or had to go along because the majority of boys did.

What was clear was that he was struck by a ball – it is the whole point of the game, after all – and that angered him. And without his trained school staff there to help calm him, his anger escalated and there went the shirt.

And so we see where he stands now. He has made progress; he can enjoy himself at an unfamiliar camp intended for typical kids. But he still cannot manage to go a whole week without an incident.

He has two more days of camp. Hopefully he will have more fun, and no more anger.

Yellowstone Vacation – Anxiety and Anger in the Tetons

After our wonderful time the day before, we were looking forward to another great day in the Tetons.

After breakfast, we took short stroll around Jackson, stopping to take a picture at one of the famous elk antler arches.

And then it was on to the first of our two big activities of the day – riding the Aerial Tram up to the top of the mountain at Jackson Hole.

Kai was eager to board the tram.

But as the door to the tram shut, the operator made a few announcements. She explained that we would pass five towers that held up the cable, and at those moments, we might feel a shifting in the tram.

Well, that was all it took for Kai to feel anxious.

“I’m scared!”

We assured Kai that there was nothing to be scared about. The tram takes thousands of people each day making trips up and down all day long.

Yeah, logical explanations never seem to help with Kai in times like these.

“I WANT TO GET OFF!”

“LET’S WALK UP INSTEAD!”

I explained that it would be a long walk.

“I WANT TO TAKE AN AIRPLANE UP!”

The more we tried to get him to calm down, the angrier he got.

“DAD, YOU MADE A POOR CHOICE!”

That comment drew chuckles from several in the very crowded tram, all of which could clearly hear him.

“THIS IS THE WORST VACATION EVER!”

After 12 minutes, we reached the top, and he quickly got off.

I got him to pose for a picture.

I walked up to the top to take in the panorama.

But Kai would have none of that and wanted to get back down to where the tram was.

There was a very tiny café and I enticed him with the promise of an ice cream. And as he ate his treat, he started to calm down.

And when we boarded the next tram to go back down. My wife warned him that he would have to stay quiet and not shout on the tram or he could not watch his videos in the car.

He was tense at first, but gradually seemed to relax.

We reached the bottom with no further anxious moments. And as we got off, he said, “That was a lot of fun!”

My wife and I looked at each other and shrugged, feeling more exasperated than happy.

Still, we were relieved that it was over.

* * * * *
After lunch back in Jackson, we drove north, back to Grand Teton National Park, where we would do our second major activity of the day. I wanted to take the boat ride across Jenny Lake, and then take the half-mile hike up to Hidden Falls. I also was hoping to take the additional half-mile hike up to Inspiration Point, but was not holding my breath on that.

There was a line for the boat, and Kai got upset when the people just in front of us were the last ones allowed on. We had to wait for the next one.

I explained that being the first ones on was better, as we would have our choice of seats. Still, he was mad until we saw the next boat come into view.

We boarded, taking seats in the front row. And once we got going, Kai was very happy.

It was a pleasant ride across the lake, the spray from the water refreshing us while we took in the great view.

And then we reached the other side and began our hike.

We couldn’t have gone more than 20 yards, barely above the dock, when the complaints started.

“I’m tired!”

“I don’t want to hike!”

Our patience was already running thin. I told him sternly that he couldn’t be tired already, and that he would have to keep walking.

The trail to the falls was uphill and full of rocks. It was not the easiest one to walk. But I tried to take it slow, as much for my father-in-law as for Kai, and it should have been easily do-able for a healthy nine-year old.

Still, the complaints escalated.

“I CAN’T DO IT!”

“OH, I AM SO TIRED!”

We stopped for breaks along the way. Other families jaunted past us.

Finally, we made it to the falls. Kai was very happy as I gave him a high five for persisting.

And the falls were a beautiful sight.

I knew that there would be no way Kai could make the additional half-mile up to Inspiration Point, or my wife and father-in-law either. I briefly considered going up there by myself, but felt that it just wouldn’t be the same to do it without them.

I decided that we would head back down to the boat.

Kai happily walked much faster on the way down. I had to tell him to stop so that we could take pictures along the way.

But his happy mood was shattered as we approached the dock. There was a really long line for the boat to go back.

“OH NO, THAT LINE IS SO LONG!”

“I HATE WAITING!”

It was hard to know what to say. The line was long. The wait would be long. I estimated that there were enough people in line to fill 4 or 5 boats, meaning we might have to wait an hour or longer.

Kai’s complaints were constant. We felt self-conscious. Everyone in that line could hear him.

My wife spoke sternly to him that there is nothing we can do. No one likes to wait but no one else was getting so upset. She told him to please be quiet. If he did not, then she would not go to the swimming pool with him afterward.

And that made him mad at her.

He said some angry words at her, but I told him to be quiet. He sidled up to me and held my hand, saying that Mom could drive the car after we got back, and that I could sit in the back with him.

Whenever we saw a boat approaching to take more people, Kai pleaded with it.

“Come on boat, you can do it!”

It seemed to take forever, but boat by boat, the line grew shorter. I counted about 45 people in front of us. A boat could take about 35 passengers. I told Kai that we would be on the boat after the next one.

We all breathed a huge sigh of relief when we finally boarded.

No one talked much in the boat or in the car ride over to our lodge.

At the lodge, my wife and father-in-law said they were too tired to go to the pool. I had a headache, but took Kai. It was actually refreshing to swim.

After dinner, we sat outside and relaxed. My wife had her coffee, Kai had his iPad, and my father-in-law just contemplated the view.

There’s nothing quite like the Tetons to help you get over a stressful day.

Next: Yellowstone Vacation – Vacation Fatigue, a Bison, and Grizzlies