Making a Shiva Call

We made a shiva call last week.

For those not familiar, shiva is the Jewish mourning period. The ritual of “sitting shiva” is when family members gather in one home while visitors gather to comfort and pay respect.

Kai’s grandmother’s sister had lost her husband. I tried to explain to Kai that he must be very respectful, as the family is feeling sad for their loss.

I recalled how he got very antsy during the latter portion of the wedding we recently attended, and tried to prepare for that eventuality. I brought along his iPad, and a Nintendo DS which is a handheld electronic game player that we got him as a special reward for making Level 4 at school. I also was prepared to leave at a moment’s notice, and did not expect to stay long.

He seemed very excited to go. I think he generally enjoys new experiences, and besides, Bubbe would be there with another present for him. I was glad that he wanted to go, but hoped that he wouldn’t be too inappropriately happy.

I had coached him on what to say to the immediate family. But oftentimes we coach him and he doesn’t do what we would like.

On this occasion, however, when he got the chance to speak with his grandmother’s sister, he very clearly said, “I’m sorry for your loss.” It brought a smile to her face and she remarked how other (typical) kids weren’t able to express themselves that well.

After that he wanted to go outside where other kids were playing. There was a large trampoline in the backyard, and Kai enjoyed jumping on that.

When the other kids got off the trampoline, Kai did, too.

He asked for his Nintendo DS. He seemed content to play by himself so I took the opportunity to go inside the house and speak with some of the family.

When I came back outside, I saw that Kai was taking pictures of various people with his DS. I learned that the device allows you to create a Mii, which is a cartoonish representation of yourself (or others). Then, you merge the Mii with a photo to get a funny-looking picture of the person.

Kai was going around talking to people, and asking them questions so he could create their Mii.

“What color are your eyes?”

“What color is your hair?”

“What does your hair look like?”

“What’s your favorite color?”

Then he would snap their picture.

And then, he would have to ask their name so that he could save the image.

He was not shy at all. He started out with the few people he knew, but soon was doing this with anyone he could get to cooperate, both adults and kids.

He certainly was much more sociable than I was.

Before long, it was getting past his bedtime. We really should have gotten going. But he did not want to leave. He was having too much fun.

Finally, it was time for everyone to go. And so he gave his relatives one more hug and we were off.

As we were leaving, he expressed, “This was a great party!”

I half-tried to explain that this was not really a party, and hoped that no one else heard him say that.

But, really, I think that he did a great job in providing a respite from the sadness, and in doing so brought comfort to those who were grieving.

And isn't that what making a shiva call is really all about?

The Boy Who Did Not Speak

My latest column in the Patch takes a look at Kai’s challenges with social interactions, and the progress he has made.

Click here for the full article. And if you like it, please be sure to ‘Recommend’ it. Thanks!

How Not to Wish Someone a Happy Birthday

My father’s birthday is coming up so we asked our son to make him a birthday card. As Kai is all about numbers, he wanted to know how old Ojiichan will be. When we told him, Kai exclaimed, “86?! That is really old.” He went on to say, “I don’t know if Ojiichan will live ‘till the end of the year. I think he might be dead soon.”

He said it very matter-of-factly, without a trace of sadness. My wife and I looked at each other, feeling a bit stunned. Our first reaction was to tell him not to say things like that. But, then we realized that this was a teachable moment.

We told Kai that you never know how long someone will live. Just because someone is 86 does not necessarily mean that they will die soon. Some people live to be 90 and a few even make it to 100. Others die younger; you just never know. We told him that it is not nice to say things like someone may die soon. Instead, we should appreciate the person and be kind to them, especially if they are older.

I don’t know how much of that sunk in with him. The whole episode left me wondering if all kids are like this. Do kids just not comprehend the gravity of death until they first experience the loss of a loved one? Do kids with autism tend to be less emotional about death? Or, is Kai unique in this regard?

Once we had our talk, Kai made the birthday card. After he wrote “Happy Birthday Ojiichan,” he drew a picture of a big balloon with the number 86 on it. Then, to really emphasize the age, before we could stop him, he added two more 86s to the card. He also went on to draw what he told us is a flower with 86 petals on it, and a tree trunk with 86 rings.

As my dad does not like to be reminded of his age, this card is really going to get him stirred up. But because it comes from his grandson, I think that he will like it anyway.

Still, perhaps it’s best not to let Kai talk to Ojiichan on the phone on his birthday. After all, there’s nothing like blurting out a comment about death to dampen the birthday spirit.

Time to Teach Manners

It is, of course, important to teach all children good manners, but I wonder if this is another concept that is more difficult for kids with autism to grasp. They often have trouble reading social cues and generally seem to be more direct in their language, sometimes embarrassingly so. In my son’s case, in addition to all this, his love of numbers and fixation on time seem to add to his social miscues.

When Kai’s grandfather visited us a few days ago, we were reminded of our son’s deficits when it comes to social etiquette. When Kai greeted Papa at the door, we had to prompt him to say hello. Totally unprompted, however, he asked, “What time are you leaving?”

While my wife and I were mildly mortified, we knew that, despite how the question sounded, Kai really was very happy to see his grandfather. We recognized that he asked because schedules are vitally important to him. He is constantly asking what time we are going somewhere, or how many minutes he has to do something.

We explained to him that it is not polite to ask people what time they are planning to leave as it may make them feel like you do not want them to be here. I don’t know if he understood that. I’m guessing that his need to know schedules means that we will probably have to reinforce this with him for quite awhile. It may also make sense to proactively tell him how long someone is expected to stay so that he doesn’t have to ask them, though I want him to learn to not to ask these types of questions, and not always have to provide a work-around for him.

Before, he used to always ask visitors, “What year were you born?” We explained that some people are sensitive about their age and do not want to tell others when they were born. I don’t think Kai got that one at all. He loves numbers and years and dates; why would anyone not want to tell him the year they were born? He eventually stopped asking that question, though he is probably still perplexed as to why he shouldn’t.

Fortunately, Papa is never taken aback by anything Kai says. I think he actually welcomes his questions as it opens up conversation with his grandson, something that did not happen back when Kai did not speak.

And so, we ended up having a nice visit. Papa played Wii for the first time and Kai “knocked him out” in boxing and beat him in bowling as well. We all laughed and had a great time and Kai even lost track of time for a little while.

However, Kai did not forget that today is Papa’s birthday. And, so, we send out hearty birthday wishes. Happy birthday, Papa!