A Tough Morning; A Fun Weekend

Kai’s attempt to raise his average above the minimum required to earn back his Level 4 privileges at school fell short last week. Though he was partially a victim of circumstances.

It came down to his performance at school on Friday. If he could have a good day, he would regain his lost privileges.

Unfortunately, he never really had a chance.

One of the boys that Kai shares a taxi with in the morning threw up in the cab. The driver turned around to take the boy home. Between the change in the route, the delay in getting to school, and the odor of the vomit, Kai was overwhelmed.

He had an emotional meltdown in the cab and was in no shape to go to his classroom when he arrived at school. The staff took him to the nurse’s office as he was screaming that he was sick and wanted to go home. Eventually he calmed down, and when they took his temperature and he saw that it was normal, he agreed that he was not sick. He went on to have a decent day, but the zero for first period was too much to overcome.

But he will have a chance to raise his average again this week. Though we are worried about how he will do today. Yesterday as we talked about school, he expressed anger at the poor boy who threw up and at the cab driver. He still has trouble feeling empathy, even though he himself threw up in a cab not all that long ago.

Oh well, here’s hoping it goes okay this morning.

* * * * *

When Kai was very young (two or three years old), he was afraid of dogs, especially those that were more active and came near him. So it was amazing to see him with Riley this weekend.

We have known Riley since she was just a few weeks old, and now at a year and a half, she still has the energy and playfulness of a puppy. Except now she is the size of a small bear.

She jumps all over me and Kai whenever she comes over. It can be a little much to have an excited bear all over you, but Kai doesn’t mind at all. He laughs and laughs and loves to grab her toy and run around and have Riley chase him.

And they didn’t just play chase inside the house. They had a lot of fun running around in the backyard as well.

We don’t get too many chances to see Kai interacting with other kids. But if his interactions with Riley are any indication, he is coming along just fine.

Making a Shiva Call

We made a shiva call last week.

For those not familiar, shiva is the Jewish mourning period. The ritual of “sitting shiva” is when family members gather in one home while visitors gather to comfort and pay respect.

Kai’s grandmother’s sister had lost her husband. I tried to explain to Kai that he must be very respectful, as the family is feeling sad for their loss.

I recalled how he got very antsy during the latter portion of the wedding we recently attended, and tried to prepare for that eventuality. I brought along his iPad, and a Nintendo DS which is a handheld electronic game player that we got him as a special reward for making Level 4 at school. I also was prepared to leave at a moment’s notice, and did not expect to stay long.

He seemed very excited to go. I think he generally enjoys new experiences, and besides, Bubbe would be there with another present for him. I was glad that he wanted to go, but hoped that he wouldn’t be too inappropriately happy.

I had coached him on what to say to the immediate family. But oftentimes we coach him and he doesn’t do what we would like.

On this occasion, however, when he got the chance to speak with his grandmother’s sister, he very clearly said, “I’m sorry for your loss.” It brought a smile to her face and she remarked how other (typical) kids weren’t able to express themselves that well.

After that he wanted to go outside where other kids were playing. There was a large trampoline in the backyard, and Kai enjoyed jumping on that.

When the other kids got off the trampoline, Kai did, too.

He asked for his Nintendo DS. He seemed content to play by himself so I took the opportunity to go inside the house and speak with some of the family.

When I came back outside, I saw that Kai was taking pictures of various people with his DS. I learned that the device allows you to create a Mii, which is a cartoonish representation of yourself (or others). Then, you merge the Mii with a photo to get a funny-looking picture of the person.

Kai was going around talking to people, and asking them questions so he could create their Mii.

“What color are your eyes?”

“What color is your hair?”

“What does your hair look like?”

“What’s your favorite color?”

Then he would snap their picture.

And then, he would have to ask their name so that he could save the image.

He was not shy at all. He started out with the few people he knew, but soon was doing this with anyone he could get to cooperate, both adults and kids.

He certainly was much more sociable than I was.

Before long, it was getting past his bedtime. We really should have gotten going. But he did not want to leave. He was having too much fun.

Finally, it was time for everyone to go. And so he gave his relatives one more hug and we were off.

As we were leaving, he expressed, “This was a great party!”

I half-tried to explain that this was not really a party, and hoped that no one else heard him say that.

But, really, I think that he did a great job in providing a respite from the sadness, and in doing so brought comfort to those who were grieving.

And isn't that what making a shiva call is really all about?

Emi

When Kai was younger, he was afraid of dogs. Particularly, Emi, my sister’s dog.

When Kai met Emi the first time, she was a very active puppy. And he was four years old and much smaller than he is now.

Emi is a border collie, and border collies love to run and chase things that run. Like little boys who are afraid of dogs. So it wasn’t a great combination.

Kai would be afraid of the dog and try to run away, which would only prompt Emi to bark and chase after him, which, in turn, only made Kai more afraid.

But a lot has changed since those first visits.

Kai is older. He is not afraid of everything as he used to be, even active dogs.

This week, my sister and brother-in-law came to visit us. And they brought Emi with them.

Kai loved playing fetch or catch with Emi.

And this boy, who I often can barely get to take a short walk with me, loved going on long walks with Emi, insisting on holding her leash (along with Mom).

Kai engaged with Emi more than he does with other children. So she was as good of a play partner for Kai as he’s ever had. In that way, she was very therapeutic for him.

And that is huge.

But what I loved most was that when he was with her, he was just a kid like any other kid.

And that was really, really nice.

Progress at the Pool

It has been a while since I saw my son at his swim lesson, so I looked forward to the opportunity to see him this week.

My wife has been telling me of the progress that Kai has been making. So, I wanted to see for myself what he can do.

I was happy to see how far he has come. Kai now puts his head under water while stroking his arms, and then lifts it up to the side to breathe. It’s not the smoothest motion, but that he can do it at all is amazing. He is much farther along than we thought he would be at this point.

And the best part is that he is enjoying it. At the end of the day, I asked him what was his favorite thing that he did that day and he answered “swimming.” Given that he’s off from school this week and he did several other fun things, that said a lot. It is certainly a far cry from the first few weeks of lessons when we had to literally drag him out of school kicking and screaming on the days of his lessons, and then forcibly carry him into the health club where the pool is.

As great as seeing the swimming was, the thing that stood out for me was something else that I saw at the pool. A girl about Kai’s age was swimming near him at one point. He looked at her and asked her what her name is. After asking everyone their name at the party we went to recently, he is apparently keeping up his socialness. This time, however, after the girl told him her name, he didn’t just turn away. He said, “nice to meet you.”

Progress, progress, in more ways than one. I love it.

The Boy Who Did Not Speak

My latest column in the Patch takes a look at Kai’s challenges with social interactions, and the progress he has made.

Click here for the full article. And if you like it, please be sure to ‘Recommend’ it. Thanks!

Milestone

Kai’s cousin Rudy graduated from high school over the weekend. Rudy overcame a learning disability to reach this milestone. He had a lot of struggles, so this is a particularly wonderful accomplishment for him, and his mom.

Rudy is a great inspiration to us, showing that through hard work and dedication, you can achieve your goals. And as he has been accepted to college, even more achievements are in his future.


* * * * *

Because of the graduation, there were a lot of out-of-town guests to see and parties to attend this weekend.

On Saturday, we went to a barbeque and, for the first time, Kai sought out his one-year older cousin to play. It was another sign that he is willing, and perhaps more able these days, to have social interactions with other children.

Sunday was the graduation party. There were a number of people there that Kai had either never met or not seen since he was a very young child. He went up to each of these people and asked them their name. I think he may have even approached some strangers walking by on the nearby sidewalk.

It was marvelous to see him be so sociable. He was certainly more the social butterfly than I was.

We tried to teach him that he should introduce himself as well, but that one still needs work. Most times he just got the other person’s name and moved on to the next person unless the other person asked for his name, too.

Of course, all those who have not seen him in a long time commented at how much he had changed. And he certainly had. It was, by far, the most interaction we’d ever seen from him.

I think he always had an outgoing personality, but now he is more comfortable around people. More and more he is developing the skills to interact with others.

Seeing this kind of progress on this particular day, we couldn’t help but dream about a day 11 years from now…

Finding a Kindred Spirit

While most parents can take for granted that their kids will have friends, this is often a big concern for parents of kids with autism. It certainly is for us. And, it is not just because our son has trouble with expressive language or reading social cues or knowing how to interact with other kids.

It is also because he has such unusual interests that it is difficult to imagine finding another child his age who would want to talk about the periodic table, or watch YouTube videos of elements, or make models of atoms.


The other night, we were invited over for dinner. The woman who invited us was the mother of a boy in our son’s special needs karate class. It was so nice of her to extend the invitation, but we had some anxiety about going.

My wife said that this other boy, Sammy, is so well behaved. In comparison, she thought our son is much more out of control. She was nervous about how Kai would behave at a home he had never been before. Would he even sit for dinner? How much attention would we have to give him?

We also wondered about how Kai would be around Sammy. Although they are in the same karate class, they do not communicate much with each other. And, Kai hardly ever plays with other kids at all.

As we entered the house, the two boys went off together while we parents socialized. I wouldn’t describe what they were doing as playing. Mostly we heard Sammy complain that Kai was getting into his things.

When it was dinnertime, it took a little bit of effort getting Kai to come to the table, but he became more interested when he found out there would be a prayer and candle lighting before the food would be served. The family is Jewish, and they observe Shabbot on Friday nights with prayer, songs, wine and bread. For Kai, this was similar to the Passover Seders that he loves.

And so, he was well behaved during the ritual, and then ate some of his dinner. But, he wanted to explore the house so he and Sammy went off while the rest of us finished our meal. In our conversation, we learned that Sammy is also on the spectrum.

After dinner, we snuck upstairs to take a peek at what the boys were doing. We could hear them talking. They seemed to be playing with each other. It actually sounded like they were talking with each other, but, it is very unusual for Kai to have a conversation with another child.

Then I heard him say something about “hydrogen” and figured that he was just self-talking about elements like he often does. But when we heard Sammy respond to him, my wife and I looked at each other with quizzical looks. We asked his mom if Sammy liked elements. She, in turn, was also surprised. “Does Kai like elements?”

We found out that our sons are remarkably similar. We entered the room where the boys were playing. They were playing with the atomic models that Sammy has. We also saw Sammy’s favorite poster – a giant periodic table – and his periodic table placemat.

We couldn’t believe it. Kai had found a kindred spirit, a boy just like him! A boy who loves the periodic table!

I don’t know if they will end up being best friends. Though we certainly intend on giving them a lot of opportunities to play together in the coming weeks. But no matter what happens, it is incredibly heartwarming to visualize, for the first time, the possibility of our son having a good friend.

When Jealousy is a Good Thing

My son had a play date with a couple other boys from his school last week. 

Kai does not play much with other kids, or even show much interest in being with them for the most part, but it is important to work on his social skills so my wife periodically sets up these play dates for him.

In the past, we’ve put Kai into therapeutic social groups.  These small groups are facilitated by a therapist and help teach kids like him how to communicate and interact with each other.  These days, he has group time at school once a week, but we haven’t otherwise been able to find a social group that fits his schedule.  So, we do what we can on our own. 

On this occasion, the play date started out at a Chuck E. Cheese’s and they later went to a McDonald’s that had a Play Place.  Typically, when Kai goes to these places, he either plays by himself or just wants to watch others play.  There’s actually relatively little social interaction between him and the other kids that he is there with. 

This time, though, he actually seemed happy to be hanging around with his friends.  While not fully capable of interacting with them, he wanted to be close and kept chasing them around. 

At some point after they were at the McDonald’s, Kai got upset.  He started saying mean words and didn’t settle down so my wife decided that she better bring him home.  At home, we spoke with him and were able to piece together that he was upset because the other boys were more interested in playing with each other than with him.  He was jealous.

The other boys are good kids, and we are sure that they were not purposely excluding Kai.  But, they are both older than him, more mature, and better communicators.   It would make sense that they would enjoy each others company more than that of a boy who is not at their same level. And, physically, being smaller and less agile, Kai was probably having trouble keeping up as they were going through the Play Place.

Jealousy is not a good quality in people.  But in my son’s case, I sometimes wasn’t sure that he would ever care enough about being with other children to develop a feeling of jealousy.  That he wants to interact with the other kids and gets upset when he cannot is a good sign. 

I can’t give him the desire to interact with other kids.  But, I can deal with the jealousy.  I’ll take that trade.