Remembering Jiji

We were in New Orleans when we received word.

It was Kai's Spring Break and we were on our first spring trip since before the pandemic. We wanted to enjoy warmer weather, good food, and the unique qualities of New Orleans.

Earlier that evening, we had ventured out for dinner, timing our walk to the restaurant to avoid an approaching storm. From the weather radar, it looked like the worst of the storm would pass well north and west of us. We made it to the restaurant safely and just finished our meal when the rain really picked up and the power went out. The festive patrons in the restaurant cheered in the dark, and then several minutes later, gave a bigger cheer when power was restored. By the time we paid our bill, the storm had passed and we were able to walk back to our hotel.

We turned on the television and were shocked to learn that a devasting tornado had ripped through the city just five miles away. Kai got very upset at how close we were to the destruction.

We tried to calm him but thought the best idea would be to turn out the lights and try to sleep. A few minutes later, in the dark of our hotel room, Kai asked why Mom's phone kept lighting up. I figured it was more weather alerts and told Kai to go to sleep.

In the middle of the night, my wife woke me to say that she thought that something had happened to her dad. She had gotten up to use the bathroom and noticed that there had been repeated calls for her from several different people in Japan. At first her phone wouldn't make a call to Japan, but when she finally connected, she learned that her dad had died suddenly and unexpectedly.

My wife wailed in grief, and Kai awoke and asked what was going on. I told him that Jiji had passed away.

Like many with autism, Kai does not do well with unexpected events and this was the worst kind of surprise. His grandfather in Japan was the closest person he ever lost.

When Kai was very young, before I had come into his and his mother's lives, Jiji visited often from Japan to help raise him. Jiji was always thinking of Kai, his only grandchild. He brought fun gifts and loved to spend time with Kai.

Through the years, though they did not speak each others languages, they shared a bond like none other. Kai was always talking to Jiji, who did not understand most of Kai's words, but understood that Kai was enjoying being with him.

When he got older, Jiji stopped coming to the U.S. but we were able to visit him in Japan. Jiji still had plenty of energy to go around the country with us, but his favorite moments were seeing Kai laugh and enjoy himself.

Jiji always saw the best in Kai. He was never disappointed in Kai. No one adored Kai more than Jiji did. I think that will be my most enduring memory of him.

Jiji enjoyed painting, and his favorite subject was Kai. We have a mini gallery of his paintings of Kai.

In our last video Skype with him, Jiji showed us the latest painting of Kai that he had just completed.

Of course, Jiji's passing is most difficult for my wife. They had the best father-daughter relationship. He was always supportive and the most dependable father a girl could want.

Kai has been upset since we got the news. I think part of it is his own grief, but he has also has been upset to see Mom cry and grieve. Too often he has gotten angry, and seemingly made the whole thing about him. Being empathetic does not come easily to Kai. Still, there have been times when he has shown that he understands the grief that Mom is feeling.

I know that Kai may also be worried about what happens next. Mom will travel to Japan for several weeks to settle matters and support her mother. We will have to make do without Mom while she is away.

In the coming weeks, when Kai lets his anxiety come out in negative ways, I will have to do my best to channel Jiji and see the best in Kai. Every good person deserves to have someone who loves them unconditionally. Kai just lost one of his best supporters. I will have to make sure he knows that Jiji wasn't the only one.

Shared Art Project with Grandfather

Kai loves to draw, and he loves apps that feature monsters or dragons. Recently, he has combined those interests.

He has tried to draw some of his favorite monsters. But when some of the monsters became too hard for him to draw on his own, he enlisted the help of another artist – his grandfather in Japan.

Kai took screen shots of the monsters and emailed them to Jiji. His grandfather then sketched them on paper and mailed them to Kai.

When Kai receives the sketches, he colors them in.

Here’s one of his recent ones:

And of course, he shares it with his grandfather via Skype.

Today, Jiji surprised Kai by telling him that he has been coloring the sketches as well, and showing his most recent creation:

Grandfather and grandson bonding over their shared love of art. Gotta love it.

Back to Tokyo, then Home

We took three different trains from Beppu to Tokyo, arriving in mid afternoon on Saturday. We said goodbyes to my sister and her family, as they are staying in Tokyo an additional three days on their own.

Then, the rest of us took two local trains to my wife’s parents’ house for one more day before we would catch our flight home.

There are always fireworks displays going on somewhere in Tokyo on Saturday nights and we were able to see several different ones in all directions from the deck of my in-laws’ apartment building.

That night, we all got a great night’s sleep. I hadn’t realized just how tired I was. We had been able to go full blast for two weeks, but now that the vacation was winding down, our exhaustion finally caught up with us.

The next day, we relaxed and enjoyed the time together. We debated going out for a short walk, but one step into the sweltering heat and humidity reminded us just how comfortable we were in the apartment.

Kai was happy to hang out with his grandparents, and have unlimited access to wifi while watching Japanese television and having Domino’s Pizza for lunch.

And then it was time to leave for the airport to head home.

It had been quite a journey. Before we started the vacation, I was stressing out about all that could go wrong. There were tough moments no doubt. But overall things went very well.

My wife had spent a lot of time beforehand thinking about the places we all could go that would be interesting, not just for Kai, but also for everyone, especially for my nephews who were making their first visit to Japan. She researched hotels, restaurants, and venues, and made reservations at a variety of restaurants, and planned out the itinerary for each day. During the trip she was our personal tour guide and interpreter, taking responsibility for trying to give everyone the best experience of her home country as possible. I think it all turned out as well as we could have hoped.

Kai did amazingly well overall. His obsession with the wifi apps on his iPad drove me crazy at times – not only did he require online time, but he was constantly talking about his dragons from the Dragonvale app. But I think it was partly a coping mechanism for him; he often would relate things he saw on the trip to his app. For instance, he chatted on about evil dragons that destroyed Hiroshima. When he was chattering away in public places, I was kind of glad that we were in a foreign country where people may not have understood what he was saying.

But aside from that, he handled the heat and schedule very well. He seemed to enjoy going out and seeing most of the sights. And I know that he loved hanging out with his grandparents and uncle and aunt and cousins.

He already had a very strong bond with his grandfather, but he built on that even further as they often shared a hotel room while we toured the country. Many hotels in Japan cannot accommodate four people in a room together, so my wife and I often had one room while Kai and his grandfather shared another. By the end of the trip, Kai could be heard calling out, “C’mon Jeej” (short for Jiji, which is short for ojiichan, which means grandfather in Japanese). It was really cute to see their bond, despite neither really speaking the other’s language very well.

The flight home felt long. After traveling around Japan on the shinkansen (bullet train), the coach seats on our 12-hour flight were particularly uncomfortable.

My wife was able to sleep on the plane, I slept a little bit, and Kai hardly at all. And yet, when we arrived home last night, he seemed like he had enough energy to stay up for another 24 hours.

We are home, tired from our adventure, a little let down that it is over, but still glowing about our experience. It will be a lasting feeling, I am sure.

Saying Goodbye, for Now

My father-in-law’s month and a half visit came to an end as he returned to Japan over the weekend.

Some of my co-workers who knew about his visit had asked if I were going to celebrate this weekend. It sounded like they thought that having an in-law stay for that long would be their worst nightmare. And maybe it would be for them.

But it wasn’t that way at all for us.

It was truly a pleasure having my father-in-law here.

For one thing, he is very low maintenance. We never feel put out to have to do anything special for him.

Another thing is that he loves to fix things around our house. On this visit, he put up hooks to hang Kai’s backpack and coats, built and hung a decorative shade to block out the excessive sun in our sunroom, and sanded and refinished our coffee table, among many other things.

When we know that he is coming to visit, we know he will want to be kept busy so we look for things to have him fix. It’s become a great excuse reason for me not to fix things around the house.

Toward the end of this visit, my wife half-jokingly suggested that we break something so that her father would have something to do. He was getting bored as he had already fixed everything there was to fix.

Despite all of the benefits of having a handyman come live with you, that is not the primary reason why I enjoy my father-in-law’s visits.

I enjoy the effect he has on our household.

My wife is always very happy throughout his visits. And I’ve learned, perhaps a little slowly, that a happy wife = a happy life.

But most of all, his visit had a profoundly wonderful impact on our son.

For a boy who almost never has friends over to the house (because he doesn’t really have true friends), having his doting grandfather stay for six weeks was the most awesome thing. It was like having a grandparent, a playmate, and a best friend all rolled into one loving package.

I think Kai will forever have very fond memories of these past few weeks.

We dropped Jiji off at the airport on Saturday morning. Kai gave him one last hug.

The rest of the day, it seemed a bit quieter at our house. My father-in-law was not one to speak much, so the quiet was not due to his voice being absent. I think it was because Kai was just a little bit less enthusiastic, perhaps even a touch subdued, without his grandfather around.

And so we miss him already.

And we will look forward to his next visit. Come back, soon, Jiji!

Grandfather Painting Lasting Memories

My father-in-law has been with us for over a month now.

He has spent a lot of time with Kai, including on our trip to Yellowstone and Grand Teton National Parks.

And he has been a great help with looking after the dogs that have stayed with us the past few weeks.

He’s also had just a bit of his own time such as when Kai was in camp.

My father-in-law loves painting. Much of his free time back home is spent painting portraits of Kai from the pictures we send him. He usually brings one or two each time he visits so we now have a little Kai Gallery.

The other day, Kai saw him painting and took interest for a short while. Jiji encouraged Kai to take the brush and paint the legs of a table.

My father-in-law has also been working on another subject the past couple weeks – Grand Teton mountain.

And he recently finished.

Seeing these paintings every day might help Kai to remember his grandfather’s artistic talent. I hope he also remembers his grandfather’s quiet dignity.

But I know for sure that Kai will remember that Jiji always loved spending time with him, was willing to do anything for him, and never had a cross word.

And that will be quite a lasting memory.

The Last Days of Summer Break

My son is enjoying his last few days off before he starts school on Thursday.

Kai has continued to spend a lot of time with his grandfather. We play Wii most evenings, and Jiji has become a very good Wii bowler. Though his wakeboarding skills still need work.

We also revisited a couple of our favorite miniature golf courses as Kai wanted to show them to Jiji.

First we went to the golf course that takes you around the world. One hole has cities landscapes including both the Sears Tower (I refuse to call it the Willis Tower) and Statue of Liberty.

Another has Greek and Roman ruins.

While another has the Sphinx.

And then this past weekend, we went to another course that is also very creative.

As before, Kai wanted his picture taken on every hole. I’ve selected just a couple to show you.

This course ends with a roulette wheel. I got lucky and won a free game when my ball dropped in the 0 hole.

Kai still wants to sleep with his grandfather every night. The other day, his grandfather had a cough and thought that Kai should sleep in his own bed. It was very predictable that Kai woke me up in the middle of the night saying he could not sleep. The next night, back with his grandfather, he slept soundly.

So what are we going to do when Jiji goes home? Too bad he can’t just stay here.

Kai – and I – would love it.

Grandfather and Grandson

They hadn’t seen each other in person in nearly two years, and they barely speak any of each other’s language, but that hasn't stopped Kai from continuing the very tight bond with his grandfather who is visiting from Japan.

On our recent road trip to Yellowstone, each night we all shared a motel room, and Kai and his grandfather had to share a bed. Kai did not mind, though. At home, he prefers to have someone sleep with him in his room and it has been tough at times to get him to sleep alone. So, getting to sleep in the same room with all the adults was a treat, and he seemed to like having his grandfather right next to him. One morning, I awoke and found Kai sleeping all the way over on his grandfather’s pillow, both sound asleep.

On our first night home, back in his own bed, Kai said he had couldn’t fall asleep and wanted to sleep in his grandfather’s room with him. I had gone to bed early that evening, but Jiji said he didn't mind and so my wife agreed to let Kai sleep with him. And so it has been every night since.

But it’s not just at night that Kai seeks out his grandfather. Kai is always asking Jiji to play with him. In the photo below, they are playing with Kai’s Trashies collection. And though Jiji is often confused about what Kai is asking him to do, Kai doesn’t seem to mind. (My wife and I do try to translate whenever we can).

They also had great fun teasing each other during a game of Uno.

I was very worried that as Kai gets older he would grow a bit distant from his grandfather, but that has not been the case at all thus far. If anything, the bond just keeps getting stronger.

And that goes to show that speaking the same language is not a requirement when there is real, authentic love.

Jiji Arrives!

Kai’s grandfather from Japan arrived over the weekend. Kai has been looking forward to Jiji’s visit.

“Don’t forget to order TV Japan (on our cable system),” he’s been reminding us for the past week.

After we picked his grandfather up at the airport, Kai chatted with him the whole way back home. Of course it was mostly a one-way conversation, as Kai doesn’t like to answer questions. But Kai prattled on about the dvd player and showed Jiji the funny parts of the movie he was watching.

By coincidence, it was his grandfather’s birthday. Kai decorated a cake for him.

And we had a little celebration after dinner.

Kai has big plans for all the things he wants to do with his grandfather while he is here. I hope Jiji is ready!

Love Overcomes Language Barrier

My father-in-law is flying home to Japan today.

He did a lot while he was here. He completed a long list of things to fix around the house, gave painting lessons to my wife, and put up a mini-gallery of his own work.

He also spent a lot of time with Kai. He went to Kai’s swim lessons and karate class, his soccer games and skating class. He even experienced trick-or-treating for the first time.

He saw good moments and bad.

He said that he leaves feeling good about all he saw of Kai, and will have peace of mind thinking of his grandson when he is back in Japan. He will be better able to picture everything Kai is doing when he reads about his activities on this blog.

Kai is also better off for the time he spent with his grandfather, though he may not understand it now. Dignity and grace are not taught by words as much as they are through the actions of others. And in time, this may be what Kai will take away most from his time with his grandfather.

It is sometimes hard to tell if Kai misses someone after they leave. He doesn’t show those types of emotions very often. But I am sure that Kai knows that his grandfather loves him very much. And whether he shows it or not, he will miss having Jiji around.

As we all will.

Thank you for visiting, Jiji. Come again soon!


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To read more about Jiji’s visit, please read this week’s column in the Patch.

Jiji is Here

It is our big week for grandfathers. We started the week at my dad’s place in the country. Now we are back home and my wife’s father has arrived from Japan.

In Japanese, the word for grandfather is Ojiichan. And that is how we refer to my dad. We call my wife’s father Jiji, a shortened form of the word.

Kai developed a bond with my wife’s father early on. Jiji visited often during Kai’s first two years, and helped to raise Kai during some difficult times. I don’t think Kai remembers anything specific from back then, but I have to believe that the bond he formed with Jiji still exists, even though Jiji now visits only once a year.

When Kai was younger, it didn’t matter that Jiji did not speak much English. After all, Kai did not speak at all. And so the communication was non-verbal, and mostly in one direction. Jiji comforted Kai when he needed it, and gave him lots of love. Kai mostly just cried or sat quietly without response.

As Kai has gotten older, he has become quite sociable. But, in a way, I think that has made things more difficult for Jiji. The language barrier is now more evident. As Kai chats endlessly about Pokémon, Jiji can’t make out what he is saying. And when he tries to speak to Kai, it is sometimes hard to know if Kai understands what he is saying. My own Japanese is pretty limited, so if my wife is not around to interpret, it is hard to foster communication between grandfather and grandson.

But that hasn’t stopped Kai from trying to interact with his grandfather. I’ve already heard Kai’s sweet voice call out “Jiji!” many times as he tries to track down his grandfather.

Yesterday, Kai found his grandfather fixing the blinds in his bedroom. A handy man, my wife had a long list of things around the house for her father to work on. Without even taking any time to get over jet lag, he started right on the list. And Kai had to “help” of course. Jiji patiently worked around Kai’s distractions, smiling at his grandson’s energy.

After spending much of this week with two grandfathers, Kai seems to have a handle on both of them. As he watched Jiji fix a kitchen cabinet, out of the blue he said, “Ojiichan is the expert at nature, and Jiji is the expert at fixing things.”

Hah, succinct but so true.

It’s going to be fun seeing how much more Kai learns about Jiji on this visit.

(Note: The photo was taken the last time Jiji visited, about 16 months ago.)