2016 Florida Vacation - A Mostly Good Day

Our second and final full day with Mama Dell and Papa Earl started out with a visit to Myakka State Park where we first stopped to look in the Myakka River. It is hard to see in the following photo, but there were a few alligators resting in the water.

Nest we went on a short nature walk.. no gators here!

The highlight of the park was a canopy walk.

We climbed up a short tower and then made our way across an unsteady walkway amongst the trees.

Once across, we climbed an even higher tower where we were well above the trees and could see for miles around.

The following picture gives you an idea of the height of the tower as seen from the bottom.

In the afternoon, we went to try another beach in the area. Kai gave it a thumbs up.

The beaches in the area are apparently known for being a good place to find shark's teeth. Someone had built a sand shark.

We found a sign that reminded us that we were over 1200 miles from home.

We took a walk to the end of a fishing pier.

And had an ice cream.

So, most of the day was good.

But not all.

There's nothing like staying with relatives that reminds you of how much your child doesn't behave the way you'd like him to.

There are the times when Kai spills milk - an accident he says, but when when it happens more than once I consider it carelessness.

There are the poor manners during meals when he puts the food on the table instead of on his plate.

But by far the most frustrating are when he can't stop with the iPad and insists on having everything on his schedule.

The past two evenings, we had dinner late. But on this evening dinner was ready shortly before 6PM. Kai was in the middle of doing something on his iPad and was not pleased to have to stop for dinner. We told him to take a break and he could finish up afterward, but he didn't want to stop. And when we insisted, he said things he shouldn't have said, using language we don't permit.

He lost his iPad privileges for the rest of the evening.

And that made him more mad.

He got angry at everyone and said that he has a miserable life. He went on and on so we sent him to a bedroom while the rest of us started eating.

We explained to his grandparents that one of Kai's biggest challenges is flexibility, and he has a difficult time when things catch him by surprise. In this case, he was not expecting that dinner would be ready much earlier than on the other days. And for a boy who craves a schedule and a routine, that was tough.

But it did not excuse his anger or his bad language.

The good thing was that eventually he did calm down. And he did come back to the table to have dinner with the rest of us.

And after dinner Papa Earl showed him how to play Hearts.

Kai actually won that game, though it was as much due to luck and my own bad play. Still, it was a nice way to end the evening.

The ups and downs of our life.

I don't think we've seen the last of it on our vacation.

But for now we have a happy boy again.

Easter Sunday in Florida

It was Easter Sunday on our first full day in Florida. Mama Dell had not forgotten and had a box of Easter goodies for Kai.

Kai had wanted to hunt for Easter eggs first thing in the morning. Mama Dell had gotten two dozen eggs for Kai to color, but the night before Kai got upset when he found out that the eggs would not be ready to hunt so early in the morning. It is frustrating for us when Kai does not deal well with his disappointment; in this case he expressed anger toward his grandmother who was trying hard to make his stay so enjoyable. But rather than get exasperated as I would have been, Dell responded beautifully, cutting up paper eggs for Kai to decorate, and telling him that we could hide those eggs.

He liked that idea and did a nice job of decorating those eggs, which we hid for him to find.

After the hunt for the paper eggs, it was time to color the real ones.

Kai enjoyed experimenting with various mixtures of colors.

Later in the morning we went to a nearby park.

And then after lunch, it was time to go to the beach.

In past years, Kai was afraid of the ocean waves, but this time he enjoyed battling even the big waves.

It was a good way to spend an Easter Sunday in Florida.

Spring Break Vacation - Back to Florida!

It is Kai's spring break and we have returned to Florida where we had some fun times last year. This year we decided to drive down.

It was a long two days.

We got off to a relatively early start, leaving the house at 6:30 in the morning. Traffic getting through Chicago was remarkably light. And we made pretty good time through most of Indiana, though we had some heavy traffic near Indianapolis and beyond . We got to the Kentucky state line around lunchtime.

And since we were in Kentucky, we decided to have KFC for lunch.

Lunch would be the highlight of the afternoon.

We had several slow areas in Kentucky, between construction zones, accidents, and just heavy traffic.

We were happy to get to Tennessee.

Though Tennessee turned out to be the worst. It seemed to take forever to get through this short state. Who would have thought that Chattanooga would have far worse traffic than Chicago.

Kai didn't mind though. He was enjoying watching videos in the car.

By the time we got to Georgia, it was starting to get dark.

And when we reached our motel in Marietta, it was after 9PM.

My wife took Kai for a quick swim in the pool. (I could not go as I had sliced my finger with a sharp knife the day before). And we had dinner before finally going to bed at 11PM.

The next day, we got on our way to complete our drive.

The drive through Georgia was not bad at all. The biggest delay was trying to get lunch at a Wendy's where the line of folks waiting to get the meal they had ordered had filled up the waiting area. After waiting about 10 minutes without being able to even order, we left and went to a different fast food outlet where they messed up our order but at least we got to eat.

We made it into Florida after lunch.

It was after 6PM when we reached our destination. Mama Dell, Papa Earl, and their feathered friends greeted us.

Mama Dell had a delicious dinner ready for us. After dinner and some conversation, my wife and I wanted to go to sleep and rest up after the long drive. We were tired, but happy that we were in Florida and ready to enjoy a couple days with family.

Birthday Weekend

Kai turned 12 last weekend. Hard to believe we have only one more year until he becomes a teenager.

We had a full weekend of celebration, starting on Friday evening when his grandparents and aunt and uncle visited.

An evening with family, cake, and birthday presents was great, but it was only the start of the celebration.

This year, we wanted to do something s little special. And so the next day, we started on a little staycation by driving out to Schaumburg, a suburb about 45 minutes away. We stayed at a hotel for the 3-day weekend, where Kai could use the swimming pool and we could go on some fun outings out there.

We had plans to have dinner that first night at a Brazilian steakhouse, but I had gotten sick and we figured it would be a waste to go that night. Instead, we ordered in Chicago-style deep dish pizza to our hotel room and watched a movie.

The next day, we went to a Legoland Discovery Center. Kai's getting a little on the older side for this place, but he still enjoyed seeing all of the Lego creations.

And he especially enjoyed seeing the 3D movies there.

I was feeling pretty miserable and could not wait to get back to the hotel to crash for a a couple of hours. Kai relaxed on the iPad and then my wife took him to the swimming pool again. We also had a little Valentine's celebration.

And then it was time to go to Medieval Times!

For those not familiar, Medieval Times is a live show that stages battles between knights on horseback as the audience cheers while enjoying dinner.

A snowstorm had started so we were very glad to have stayed in a hotel that was only a few minutes away. It would have been a nightmare trying to drive there from home through all that snow. We got there in plenty of time to have our celebration photo taken.

We had great seats, right in the center and up pretty close.

The show had a lot of action - I kind of liken it to a medieval WWF - and Kai really enjoyed it.

The knights and horses were very talented and they made it fun.

The food was surprisingly good, too. Here were are enjoying dragon's blood soup, which tastes just like tomato soup.

All of the food was eaten by hand; there were no utensils.

Afterward we drove back and enjoyed our final night in the hotel.

The next day, we drove home. Kai got to open the rest of his birthday presents and then Mom took him to a movie and then to Dave & Busters. I went to bed, finally getting a chance to rest.

Kai enjoyed his entire birthday weekend.

The next day, he went back to school.

And got sent home with a fever.

He got sick. My wife got sick.

It's been a long week, but we are very happy that Kai enjoyed his birthday celebration.

Wise Thoughts From a Departing Teacher

Kai's classroom had a farewell party for a staff member who was leaving to take a job in the corporate sector. She gave Kai a 3d puzzle chest as a goodbye gift, and wrote a very nice note to him...

Progress at School

Three weeks ago, there was one more incident at school between Kai and the same boy who was involved in the previous incident that I had written about before. This last incident sent Kai to the school nurse, and afterward all parties agreed that it was time to separate the two boys into different classrooms.

Since then, Kai has had the two best weeks of school so far this school year.

He has been noticeably less stressed about going to school, and his performance in class reflects that. He has been able to focus on his classwork without distractions, and has had only relatively minor issues. His point sheet scores have been the highest since he started middle school.

The other day, though, we heard from one of the classroom staff that he was stressing out. The school would be having their first semester awards ceremony the next day, and Kai was worried that he would be the only student to not receive an award. He used inappropriate language to initially express his anxiety. The staff used the occasion to have a great discussion. They told the kids that not all students will get an award and there will be more students who do not get one than those who do. The other students suggested to Kai that he could be happy for those who get an award and try harder for the 2nd semester. We reinforced those sentiments to Kai at home.

The next day he came home from school with good news - he had received an award! - High Honors for completing all of his homework and doing well in academics. He said he was the only one in his class to receive this particular award.

And so, after several rocky months, things have taken a definite turn for the better. Keep up the good work, Kai!

A Huge Milestone: Last Speech Therapy

Kai has been having speech therapy for over eight years. During that entire time, he has been working with the same wonderful speech therapist.

We met Alyson several months after Kai was diagnosed with autism. At that time, we had doubts about how much any speech therapist could help him. After all, his speech, such as it was, was limited to a few words, and he didn’t string any of them together at a time. He didn't respond to anything we said to him. The thought that we would one day be able to have a conversation with our son was a dream, and some may thought it was a pipedream.

But as Alyson worked with Kai week after week, we saw changes. Kai gained new words. And then, short sentences.

After a time, he started to respond to our questions, with just a word or two at first, but eventually with sentences.

Alyson always adapted her work to ensure that Kai kept making progress. When Kai was able to speak sentences and respond to questions, she worked on conversations - teaching Kai to continue the back-and-forth through asking relevant questions back and perspective taking.

She also worked on other aspects of speech such as understanding non-literal language. While most of us understand idioms or colloquialisms without having to think about them, a boy like Kai who had a deficit in communication skills needed extra help to understand what they meant. Alyson's work in this and other areas helped to ensure that Kai's language sounded normal, and not overly formal or processed.

Alyson periodically tested Kai through formal evaluations. These tests quantitatively measured his progress and helped her identify what to work on. She finished her latest round of testing a few weeks ago and last week we got the results – Kai’s speech was now in the normal range. He no longer needs speech therapy.

As you can imagine, we are very joyous that he has achieved this milestone. We sometimes struggle to notice all the progress Kai has made because our focus is on all the work that still needs to be done. A milestone like this reminds us of just how far he has come.

Tomorrow will be Kai's last session with Alyson. We have told him that he is ‘graduating’ from speech therapy and that Alyson will have a celebration with him to commemorate the occasion.

We are extremely grateful to Alyson. Besides being so fantastic at her job, she was always the most upbeat, enthusiastic person who Kai enjoyed seeing every week. He will miss seeing her, as will we.

But we will never forget the impact that she had on Kai. Thank you, Alyson. You are in our hearts forever.

Finding Hope After A Rough Day

We are just over halfway through Kai's first year in middle school. There have been a lot of rocky moments during that time.

There have been many incidents, Kai has "fired" every staff member in his classroom many times over, and the school has told us that his classmates have negative impressions of him because of his difficulty in socializing with them and therefore their perceptions are mostly based on just the times when he is upset.

And while things have been trending a bit better -- there have been fewer incidents the past few months than in the first few -- it has been hard to be optimistic during these times.

The latest incident, earlier this week, was both one of the most stressful, but perhaps also a turning point of sorts.

When my wife picked up Kai at school on Monday, a staff member told her that Kai had been involved in an incident that involved another boy in the classroom. This was only the latest of many incidents that involved the same child.

After I got home from work, we spoke to Kai about what happened. He said he had been working on a puzzle during recess when the other boy came over and knocked it down. Kai said he got upset and acknowledged using some inappropriate language as he yelled at the other student.

In the past, we have struggled with Kai refusing to accept responsibility for his actions. He always blamed staff or others, and never seemed to understand that his own actions often led to whatever happened. This time, however, he calmly told us what happened, and even without our prompting, he said that he accepted responsibility for what he said. As a result, while I still took away his iPad privilege for the evening, the length of the punishment was less than it otherwise would have been. I don't know if that was his motivation for accepting responsibility, but in the past that never seemed to make a difference.

This was not to be the end of the story, however.

Later that evening, we were copied on an email that the mother of the other boy sent to the classroom teacher, therapist, and school principal as well as to us. She said that she had spoken to her son and was very upset. According to her son, the boy accidentally stepped on the puzzle that Kai was working on and Kai overreacted, punching the other boy in the nose. She went on to say that Kai routinely makes things difficult for other students and that his behavior is routinely disregarded by staff. She followed up by pleading with us to stop Kai from hurting others.

Of course, my wife and I were very upset to get this email. I first wanted to ignore and not respond at all. But after calming down (somewhat), I wrote the following response:

Dear Ms XXXX

We too were upset to learn that there had been another incident at school between (your son) and Kai. We understand and share your frustration that this continues to happen.

As you correctly point out, no one on this thread was present during this incident. And that includes you. Like you, we spoke to our son about what happened. Kai related a different perspective.

We don’t feel the need to share all the details of how his account differs from (your son's account) as we do not wish to engage in a back-and-forth about which child’s view is correct and which is wrong. Personally, we never assume that what Kai tells us represents the whole truth. It is just his perspective and is only part of the story. But forgive us for feeling the same way about (your son's) account; we believe it is his perspective and is only part of the whole story.

We also acknowledge that Kai has social, emotional, and behavioral issues that we are all working hard to address. But then, that is why he is attending (this therapeutic school). And lest you have any doubts, we work constantly to try to correct these issues. When there is an incident like this, we let him know in no uncertain terms if he has said or done something that is unacceptable, and we speak to him each time about taking the other child’s perspective and talking through how he could have handled things differently. We only hope that you are doing the same with (your son).

Raising Kai has helped us to be empathetic toward other parents who are dealing with similar issues and who send their children to (this school). We know firsthand how frustrating it is to be doing everything you can and still find your child to be involved in incidents like this. As such, we try to be understanding and supportive of others who are in our shoes, and appreciate when we get the same from others. And so I hope you can understand why we were so hurt and distressed to receive your email, and believe it is entirely unfair to suggest that all the problems rest with us and our child.

We sincerely wish the best for (your son), however, we do not wish to engage directly with you in any further dialogue on this or any other incidents. We will direct all further comments to school staff, and hope you do the same.

Regards,

The next day, we received the official incident report from the school principal. Based on input from the one staff member who was in the room at the time, the other boy was the initiator and aggressor in this particular incident. That boy appeared to deliberately provoke Kai by pretending like he would knock down the puzzle. The two boys argued and were separated by the staff member. But then the other boy came back toward Kai with a closed fist. Kai raised his arm to protect himself, and accidentally hit the other boy in the nose while doing so. Staff then stepped in to prevent further escalation, and Kai was escorted out of the classroom as he was crying and upset and needed to calm down.

We were very happy to read this report. We found out that Kai's account of the incident matched with what the staff saw. More importantly, we saw that he had actually handled himself pretty well in what must have been a very difficult situation for him.

We also learned from the school that Kai is making great progress in using his words to work with staff at finding resolutions rather than becoming loud and destructive. And so, for perhaps the first time since he started middle school, I'm feeling just a bit of optimism about Kai's future.

A Special Movie Night

It has now been 12 years since my wife's first husband, Kai's biological father, passed away about a month before Kai was born.

As she does every year, my wife lit a yahrzeit candle in memory of Kevin.

This year, however, we also commemorated the occasion by watching a special dvd that my wife had created.

Long ago, she had put away most of her old photos, the pain of her loss making it too difficult to relive those times. I don't think I fully appreciated her grief and depression during the first few years we were together.

But a few months ago, as she was sorting through things in our crawl space, she came across those old boxes of photos and was finally able to look at them and enjoy the memories. Along with the photographs were various videotapes -- from the wedding, vacations they took, and even a television commercial from Japan that her late husband had starred in. She had highlights from those tapes digitized into one dvd.

Last night, we all viewed them in a special movie night. For the first time, Kai got to see and hear his first father.

Kai seemed to get the most kick out of seeing his mom and other relatives when they were much younger. But he didn't react too much to seeing the father that he never knew.

I think that he's just too young to really appreciate it right now.

But I have a feeling that as he grows older, he will treasure having these photos and videos. Hopefully he will feel like he got to know his father.

Happy New Year!