Kai’s New Little Friend

I walked in the door when I got home from work yesterday evening. I immediately heard Kai talking to someone.

“I want to introduce you to my dad.”

And when I walked into the kitchen, this is what I saw.



Kai was with his new little friend, a tiny Chihuahua that is the latest dog to stay with us.

Kai has liked every dog that has come our way. But Haribo is the first one that he has held for extended periods of time. And the first one he has spoken to.

My wife reported that when Kai got home from school today, he and Haribo snuggled together on the couch.



And this evening, after dinner, Kai called my wife back to the kitchen.

“Mom, come here. Haribo is so cute.”

Haribo had burrowed herself under a blanket. She was cute under there.

And so was Kai when he joined her under the blanket a few moments later.

Snippets from the Weekend

Back to a normal weekend after the piano recital and trip to Wisconsin Dells last weekend. There weren’t any big moments this weekend, but several little ones of note.

Kai has his special needs ice skating class on Saturday mornings. Children skate with a buddy who gives them a little instruction along with companionship. Kai’s buddy this year is a junior high student who is very friendly and nice to him.

As I watch them skate around the rink, I see Erica constantly talking to Kai. I rarely see him talking her.

I feel a bit sorry for Erica. I don’t know how much she understands about Kai’s special need and hopes that she is not taking his non-communicative behavior personally. I think she does understand that communication is one of his big challenges as she keeps plucking away each week, which I really appreciate.

After this week’s session, I asked Kai what she and Erica were talking about on the ice.

“I hate talking!” he huffed. And then he refused to say any more about it.

Sigh.

At home he will talk non-stop about Legos or Trashies or anything of interest to him, so it’s not that he hates talking. But a two-way communication, particularly with someone he is not as familiar with? That he hates.

We still have work to do.

*****
Kai and I planned to watch the Daytona 500 together yesterday. I wasn’t sure what time the race would start so I turned on the television to see how far along they were with the pre-race show. I could tell that they still had a ways to go until the race would begin, so I suggested turning off the tv.

Kai piped up. “It’s okay, Dad. You just have to be patient.”

My boy lecturing me on patience; ha!

We ended up watching the entire race, which will please his PE teacher at school.

Watching the race together was nice, but since when have they had so many commercials for erectile dysfunction products on NASCAR? Kai takes note of many commercials these days, often asking questions like ‘what is that product?’. I debated whether to turn off the tv during these commercials, but decided that it would only call attention to them. I was relieved that on this afternoon, I did not have to answer “Dad, what is sexual activity?”

*****
A similar experience occurred while we watched the Academy Awards. I used to enjoy watching the Oscars, back in the days when I used to see the movies that were nominated. But since becoming a family man, we have never sat down to watch the show together.

Yesterday, when Mom had one of the red carpet shows on, Kai was interested so we decided to watch. Though I think his initial interest was due to a misunderstanding. He kept saying something about Sesame Street. He often does not speak clearly so I had no idea why he was talking about Sesame Street. Finally my wife figured it out: Oscar from Sesame Street! We had to explain that this was a different Oscar.

I regretted letting Kai watch when Seth MacFarlane started to sing about “Boobs.” My son thought it was funny, though I couldn’t tell if he really understood what the song was about. My response, once again, was to squirm uncomfortably, ignore it, and hope that it ended soon.

I was a bit relieved when the host went on to his Sock Puppets bit, which was very funny and much more family friendly. Kai spent much of the rest of the evening asking me to replay it on his iPad. I tried to explain that it wasn’t a real commercial so it would not be on YouTube. He didn’t like that answer. But about a half hour later, I found that someone had already posted the opening monologue online and we watched the Sock Puppets once more.

*****
And finally, the photo of the weekend. We had several inches of snow late last week so we were able to go sledding.



Kai still prefers to go on the very small hill in our neighborhood instead of the taller one.

We usually only see toddlers on this baby hill. But Kai gets very anxious at the thought of going down to the big hill. And while I tried to get him to go down that big hill a couple years ago, I’ve let him have his fun on the small hill since. But this time I told him that this was the last year for the small hill.

Starting next winter, he graduates to the big hill, like it or not. I want to see him grow up when it comes to conquering his anxieties. Though when it comes to learning about ED or boobs, not so much.

A Blast of Anxiety

As a parent, how do you know how much you should push your child to go beyond their comfort zone? When do you know that you have gone too far?

Sometimes you learn the hard way.

This year, we did not have a big birthday party for Kai. Instead, we decided to go to Wisconsin Dells.

Wisconsin Dells bills itself as the “Waterpark Capital of the World,” and driving along the main strip, it seems a bit like a children’s version of Las Vegas with its many mini golf courses, amusement parks, and boat rides along with all the numerous waterparks. Being winter, most of these attractions were closed, but we stayed at one of the largest indoor waterparks.

With Kai’s recital on Saturday, we left home on Sunday morning and arrived at the waterpark early in the afternoon. The three-day weekend meant that we could still enjoy more than a full day and night there.

We have now gone to several waterparks with Kai and the experience is usually pretty similar. He starts out being very nervous and wants to do the lazy river first as it is not at all scary to him. After that, it takes a lot of cajoling to get him to go down a waterslide. If we are lucky, he will go down the slide, have fun, and want to do it over and over.

This time was not much different. We started with the lazy river, and then did three tube slides. I was a bit disappointed that he did not want to do more. Perhaps all the waiting in line for the slides dampened Kai’s enthusiasm. And he probably just really wanted to go to the indoor theme park that was in another part of the resort.

As this trip was his birthday present, I went along with his wishes. But I told him that we would come back to the waterpark the next morning to do the last tube slide that we had not yet tried.

The rest of the afternoon we played mini golf, rode go-karts, and played in the arcade. Not surprisingly, Kai later said that the mini golf was the favorite part of the weekend.

We brought dinner back to our room, then went to the resort’s bowling alley and bowled one game before calling it a night.

The next morning, we had time to go to the waterpark for about an hour before returning to our room to shower and check out.

My wife and I decided that we would get to the waterpark right as it opened. We wanted to try the one tube slide we had not yet done. Master Blaster is described as an uphill roller coaster waterslide. The lines for it the day before had been long, so we thought it would be smart to go there first to avoid the crowd.

When we entered the waterpark, my wife walked quickly toward the ride. Kai did not walk so fast.

He kept saying, “I’m scared!”

I held his hand and tried to reassure him that it was not scary. Although the concept of a water roller coaster sounds frightening, I really did not think that it would be scarier than the other slides we had done.

“I want to do a relaxing ride first.”

I explained how we would do this ride first and then we would do the lazy river.

As we finally got to the slide, Kai grew even more anxious. He climbed the stairs very slowly.

I told him that he would have fun and pulled him along.

As we neared the top, we caught up with Mom, who was waiting for us.

Kai said, “I feel sick.”

Kai often says that when he wants to get out of doing something.

I was getting a little irritated that he was resisting so much.

As I was about to tell him that he would be fine, it happened.

He threw up.

A lot.

In that moment, Master Blaster had taken on a whole different meaning as Kai blasted his vomit out all over the platform.

I notified a nearby employee about what my son did, and then we rushed Kai down the stairs and found the nearest bathroom.

He did not vomit any more. I cleaned him up. He said he felt fine.

He said he wanted to do a relaxing ride.

We told him that we could just sit for a while, but he really wanted to do the lazy river. This time, we listened to him.

As a parent, I find it difficult sometimes, to judge how hard to push your child.

In Kai’s case, he has anxiety about so many things. I want him to get over his anxieties, and one way to do that, I think, is by having him experience things he wouldn’t choose to do on his own. The theory being that if he could go beyond his comfort zone, perhaps he will eventually get less anxious about those things.

In hindsight, in this case, we should have done the “relaxing ride” first. Then maybe he would have reduced his anxiety just enough to try the new slide.

Live and learn, I know.

I'm sure I will push him to do more again, but hopefully I’ll remember the Master Blaster and back off before he literally blasts out his anxiety.

Kai’s First Piano Recital

It is a testament to Kai’s overall progress that my wife and I decided to let him perform in a piano recital. But it speaks to how far he still needs to go that we were very nervous about how it would turn out.

Kai has been taking piano lessons for over four years now. When we first decided to sign him up for lessons, I think my wife was hoping that he would turn out to be a piano prodigy. At that point in Kai’s development, with his struggles in behavior and school, I think she was hoping to find something that he would be particularly good at.

Alas, Kai did not possess extraordinary talents at playing the piano. And in the subsequent months and years, there were several times when my wife wanted to stop the lessons as Kai too often resisted practicing, gave his instructor a difficult time, or just goofed around instead of playing nicely. I didn’t want to see him quit; not because I thought he could ever become a virtuoso, but because I hate to see him quit at anything.

With a little encouragement from me, but mostly from rebuilding her own resolve, my wife pressed forward each time with teaching Kai how to play the piano. The teacher came over once a week and patiently taught Kai how to play. But I have no doubt that my wife’s persistence and instruction during the week was just as much of the reason for Kai’s progress.

Two years ago, Kai’s teacher held a recital for his students. At that time, we did not want to take the risk of signing him up to perform. But we nervously attended with Kai so we all could see what it was like.

At that recital, we weren’t sure how long Kai would sit still so we talked to him about proper behavior, and then grabbed a seat near the back in case we needed to make a quick getaway.

Almost immediately as the first child started to play, Kai started to fuss.

“I can’t see!”

I tried to shush him but he persisted. When that child finished playing, we got up out of our seats and found an open area near the front, off to the side, where we could sit on the floor and clearly see the performer.

And there we sat where Kai politely, well, mostly, watched the performers. He had done okay watching. Perhaps one day he would play.

This year, his teacher asked if we would like Kai to perform in the recital. Hmm, could he handle the pressure? Would some little thing set him off and cause a public meltdown?

We decided to go for it.

He chose one of his favorite songs to play, Night of the Tarantella.

The practices in the past couple of weeks gave us more cause for concern. My wife was constantly pointing out the things he needed to do better.

“The first part is staccato; you have to play with more force.”

“Don’t play too fast.”

“Don’t forget to press the pedal.”

“Hold the last note for five seconds.”

Kai doesn’t take criticism well. He gets angry when anyone points out something he is doing incorrectly. And so, these practices have been stressful. And as a result, our stress about what would happen at the recital grew as well.

The day of the recital finally arrived.

This morning, Kai was grumpy at his ice skating class, complaining that his ankle was hurting. When he came home, he barely said much to his grandmother who telephoned. He later got upset when he thought he lost a piece to a new game he got for his birthday.

All the makings of a disaster were in place.

After lunch, we drove to the site of the recital and got there a few minutes early. Kai got a chance to try out the keys and pedals of the unfamiliar piano.



He would be the fourth performer. Kai sat nicely as he listened to the first three kids.

And then it was his turn…



He did well. Ha, he even held that last note!

My wife and I simultaneously breathed a huge sigh of relief and beamed big smiles.

Great job, Kai! We are very proud.

Sweetheart of a Day

My son looks forward to all special occasions and Valentine’s Day is no exception.

For the past couple of days, he has worked here and there to make Valentines for his classmates and teachers.

In addition, he really wanted to get Sweethearts candies to give to each person as well.

As Kai is on a GFCF diet, and just a healthy diet in general, he does not eat much candy. He can’t have most chocolate candies as they have milk in them, and he does not really like sweet candy anyway.

But he does like Sweethearts candy on Valentine’s Day.

Sweethearts are those small heart-shaped candies with the little messages printed on them. Kai doesn’t really like the taste of them; in fact, he hardly eats them. He just likes reading the messages.

“Be mine.”

“Crazy 4U.”

“Soul mate.”

“Time 2 dance.”

Last year his mentors from school brought over a box of Sweethearts to use for a Valentine’s craft project. But, they had bought a Spanish version by mistake. Kai didn’t mind, though. He had just as much enjoyment reading the Spanish phrases.

“Hola.”

“Te amo.”

“Mi amor.”

Mom had not yet gotten the Sweethearts so after his therapy yesterday afternoon, they went to the drugstore together to buy mini-boxes for each classmate. Kai came home and taped them to the back of each Valentine he had made, saving one for himself.

I don’t know what kind of celebration they will have at school today, but I can just hear Kai’s laugh as each student reads their Sweethearts messages.

“Tweet me.”

*****
Longtime readers may recall why Valentine’s Day is not just a Hallmark holiday around here. For you newer readers, click here to read the column I wrote a year ago, and find out what happened nine years ago.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Birthday Celebration

Kai’s grandparents were in town so we had an early birthday celebration for him.

We were to meet them at the Lego store where Kai would get to pick out a set of his choice.

We are still working on teaching Kai to be more appreciative and less greedy. Before we left home, my wife and I spoke to Kai that he could have one set, and to not ask for any more. We reminded him that he had just gotten two Lego sets from our trip to Legoland last weekend, and he would likely be getting additional birthday presents as well.

At the store, he greeted his grandparents with hugs, and then set about the store. A Star Wars set caught his eye. That was the one he wanted, he said.

But then he saw something else, and he wanted that one, too. The Star Wars set he saw first was an expensive one. I didn’t want him asking his grandparents for more.

Kai wasn’t happy that he couldn’t have the Chima set, too. I wasn’t happy that he had already forgotten the talk we had with him.

Bubbe came over to talk to him.

She told him that if she bought everything now, she wouldn’t have anything to get him the next time she was in town. Kai pondered that for a second.

“When are you coming next?”

And that made me laugh, just a little.

I was even happier that Kai stopped making a fuss about wanting more. He finally was genuinely appreciative of the gift he received.

And when we got home, he started to work on his new set right away.

And later we had dinner together, with cake, of course.

After that, he got to open one more gift, this one a special one from his grandfather. Kai was able to guess what it was: tins! He had Mom bring the rest of his collection downstairs so he could see all of them at once.

And with that, we had a very nice birthday celebration.

My wife told Kai that she did not have grandparents, and that he is a very lucky boy to have so many grandparents.

And so he is. And not just because of presents he gets, but from all of the love they show him. That is priceless.

Element Face-Off

My son’s school sent home the following in his backpack the other day.

Kai had drawn it during break time.

Recently, Kai has had a renewed interest in the periodic table that he first learned two years ago. His current interest has been sparked by his recent accumulation of element flash cards when he does the online Thinkwell math program.

Kai enjoys the pictures on these flash cards, but I wondered whether he was learning any of the information on the back of the cards. Sure, he learned the symbols and atomic numbers for all of the elements from long ago, but did he know anything else about them.

On his last birthday, Kai received a Jeopardy-style quiz game from his grandmother. These days, he asks me to make up new questions based on the information from his flash cards. Then, with me playing the Alex Trebek role, he squares off against Mom.

Which element is named in honor of the German state of Hesse?

What acts as the positive half of many batteries?

Which alkali metal aids nerve function, allowing the brain to transmit information back to the muscles?

Which noble gas gives off a distinct reddish-orange glow?

Which element was named after the creator of the periodic table?

My wife is reluctant to play these games as she knows how it will go. Still, Kai really wanted her to play so he gave her a handicap – she could look at the flash cards to help answer the questions.

While that was generous of him, the outcome did not change. Kai won, 430 to 120.

We worry about Kai’s reading comprehension. But when it comes to learning facts on the back of flash cards, he seems to be doing okay.



The answers to the above questions, in order, are:
Hassium, Lithium, Potassium, Neon, Mendelevium

How did you do?

Extra points for every element you can identify on Kai's drawing, with bonus points for telling the reason behind each particular element picture.

Anxiety, Perspective, and Legoland

As I wrote last week, my son had a Safe Month at school in January. But he still had to be safe for one more day to earn a special incentive for staying safe 25 consecutive school days: a trip to our local area Legoland.

My wife and I held our breath all day Friday. And when Kai came home in the taxi, my wife went out to greet him. She opened the door of the cab and saw Kai crying profusely.

Oh no! He must not have made it. He wasn’t safe. And there went the Legoland reward.

Except that wasn’t why he was upset. He had been safe at school.

But he was mad that the driver had dropped off another boy first.

And such is the life with a boy who gets upset over the seemingly smallest things.

My wife explained to Kai that Jacob deserved a turn to get dropped off first. But she also understood that this new taxi driver changed things up without the staff at school being able to prepare Kai ahead of time. Sigh. My wife made a mental note to talk to Kai’s therapist this morning.

We hit another bump in the road early the next morning. Snow plows were clearing our street for the first time this season. Kai heard the noise, and woke us up. He was scared.

I explained that it was just the trucks plowing the snow and he had nothing to be scared of. But he was scared anyway and could not sleep.

We have been working with Kai to get him to stay in his bed and not wake us in the middle of the night. He had accumulated a number of points and was on the verge of earning a desired toy. I told him that he would have to wait (at least) one more night to get his reward.

I can already hear some of you quietly expressing that I should have given it to him anyway. But if I made an exception for snow plows, the next time it would be for garbage trucks or a honking horn or whatever. I wanted to hold the line. Kai was not happy about that.

“I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW!”

It’s only one more night.

“WHAT IF THE SNOW PLOWS GO BY AGAIN?”

There is nothing to be scared of. Stay in bed.

“I’LL SLEEP THIS AFTERNOON INSTEAD!”

Well, then we won’t be able to go to Legoland.

“I DON’T WANT TO GO TO LEGOLAND!”

This went on for quite some time. But eventually I got him calmed down by the prospect of earning a Trashie for doing exercise.

And once he had his Trash Pack Fizz Bag, he was all smiles.

We made it to Legoland later that morning.

We saw the amazing Lego figures, like Darth Vader.

We sat in on a workshop where they taught us how to build T Rex.

We watched the 3D movie, which was my favorite part.

And my wife and Kai rode on this…

Although Kai was one of the oldest kids there, he was the only one I heard screaming during the ride, “TOO HIGH!” as he clutched my wife’s arm and tried to get her not to make the ride go up.

Later, he got to pick out one new Lego set for his Safe Month, and another as an early birthday present. And when we got home, he set to work on one right away.

He finished that in less than a day, and then started on the next one as the Super Bowl was about to start.

And though he barely watched any of the game, getting to work on his Lego while eating chips and salsa made for a grand time.

“I love the Super Bowl!” he told us at bedtime.

Ha, I loved that he had a really nice time this weekend.

A Safe Month?

My son attends a public therapeutic school. The kids who go there have social and emotional challenges that result in behavior issues. As the staff works with each student to overcome their challenges, they celebrate achievements along the way.

One such milestone is a Safe Month.

My son has had stretches of good periods, but going an entire month without a major incident has proven extremely difficult. It has been relatively rare for Kai to go even just a week without chewing up his clothes, attempting to bite or hit his teachers, or display other unsafe behaviors.

While we don’t like to compare, we can’t help but notice that virtually all of Kai’s classmates have achieved a Safe Month some time in the past year, and some of them have done it several times.

The Safe Month award is announced on the first Friday of the month. Kai tells us which classmates were honored, and when he does, I always sense the disappointment that he had, once again, fallen short.

We encourage Kai to try again in the new month, but I sometimes got the sense that he felt it was beyond his capabilities.

There have been times when he was really motivated to go for the Safe Month. He might have a good first week or two and we would start to think that this would be the month.

But then something would happen – a disappointment that he couldn’t accept, a change in the routine that he couldn’t handle – and there went the Safe Month.

“It’s too hard!” we heard him say many times. “I can’t do it!”

This month, he has been teetering on the edge of not being safe all month. We have heard him express anger several times at something a teacher did. His daily point sheets have shown that he wasn’t always respectful to staff. But while he’s had several timeouts at school, he had not crossed the line into unsafe behavior.

As we entered the final few days of the month, my wife and I wondered if he could actually do it.

This evening, as I walked from the office to the train station, I made my usual call to my wife to let her know which train I would take. Kai asked to speak to me.

I could barely hear him over the street sounds, but I made out what he said.

“I had a safe month!”

It was great to hear, of course. I don’t have illusions that we will never have anger issues again, or that it will be smooth sailing from here.

But I hope that this will let Kai know that he can stay safe at school for an extended period of time, and that he can achieve things that he perceives to be very difficult if he really sets his mind on it. I hope he gets a sense of accomplishment that sticks with him for a long time.

But enough deep thoughts for now.

Tonight, we celebrate!

Stormy Weather Anxiety

I got drenched this evening as I made my usual one-mile-plus walk from the office to the train station.

But as uncomfortable as I am sitting here on the train in soggy pants and shoes, I know my wife probably has it worse.

She has to be with Kai right now.

My son hates storms. Or, rather, he is afraid of them.

I’m not sure when his fear started.

A few years ago, we were at a hotel when they made everyone evacuate the outdoor swimming pool when lightning was spotted a few miles away. Kai did not want to get out of the pool so I had to explain to him the dangers of lightning. Perhaps I explained it too well.

Another time, a couple years ago, during a big storm, we lost power in our house for more than a day. I’d say he developed anxiety from that experience except that I recall him enjoying the simulated camping we did.

Regardless of the source of his fears, he now gets very anxious every time he knows a storm is coming. This past Sunday was a great example.

He had seen the weather forecast from the day before.

“When will the storm come?”

“Is it going to be a bad storm?”

No, Kai, I don’t think it will be too bad.

When the storm finally struck on Sunday evening, he was in full anxiety.

“Is there going to be a tornado, Dad?”

No, Kai, there are no tornados around here in January.

We had company over that evening and sat down to eat. Kai brought his iPad to the table. He played the BrainPop movie that explained about storms and lightning.

That prompted one of our guests, Henry, to tell of the time when he was indirectly struck by lightning.

Kai looked at him wide eyed but did not say anything. He was too busy bringing up the Weather Channel app.

“Dad, I’m scared!”

There’s nothing to be scared of, Kai. I explained that he was perfectly safe inside the house.

We tried to have conversation with our guests, but Kai interrupted every so often to talk about how afraid he was.

After dinner, we decided to play the Wii.

Henry started to design his Mii character to look like himself. As he is bald, he searched for a bald head on the game system. Kai spoke up.

“Is that because of the lightning?”

Ha! No, Henry did not lose all his hair because of the lightning.

Playing the Wii seemed to avert Kai’s attention from the storm outside.

But when it was bedtime, he could hear the rain hitting his window.

He always likes to have Mom stay with him after we turn out the lights, and she usually stays in his room for about ten minutes, or sooner if he falls asleep quickly.

On this night, he didn’t fall asleep. He wouldn’t let her leave as he was afraid of being alone.

It took a long time, but eventually he did fall asleep. But it was only a couple hours later that he banged on our bedroom door, saying he couldn’t sleep because he was scared of the rain.

Thank goodness the rain stopped before morning.

Now we are having another storm.

My wife is probably going nuts listening to Kai voice his fears over and over.

Looks like it will be long night.

I’m going to enjoy my solitude, soggy pants and all, while I can.

Motivated by Trashies

7AM yesterday morning, a Sunday morning mind you, my son was up and knocking on our bedroom door.

I was still tired from my business trip and was hoping to sleep in a little longer, but I guess I should have been thankful that Kai waited even until 7:00 to wake us up. I went out into the hallway to see what was up.

“Dad, we have to go running right now!”

It was about nine months ago that Kai was motivated to run by the incentive of collecting cute/gross little rubbery creatures known as Ickee Stickeez. Alas, there were only 24 of those and when Kai had collected them all, his motivation to run ended.

This weekend, Kai discovered another set of cute/gross little rubbery creatures. These are called the Trash Pack, and unlike with Ickee Stickeez, the folks behind these Trashies know how to market to kids, having developed accessories and games to go with the little guys.

When Kai develops a hankering for something, he wants to collect them all. And with already several dozen Trashies on the market, this should keep him motivated for quite a long time.

So on Sunday morning, Kai was ready to go running. He had heard that a storm was forecasted so he wanted to get out early.

“Come on, Dad. We have to go before the storm comes.”

We got dressed and went out. As he is older and has grown since last year, I extended the route a little bit.

Kai groaned and complained that he was tired and could not make it. I was frustrated, but kept encouraging him. And while I was tempted to withhold his prize, I gave it to him but told him he would have to show improvement in his next run.

A few hours later, he wanted to go running again. He wanted to earn another Trashie.

One run a day is enough, I told him. But he was persistent.

“What if I exercise? I’ll do 50 sit-ups and 20 pushups and 25 jumping jacks.”

Hmm, I had been wanting to get him to exercise more.

50 jumping jacks, not 25. And you have to do everything nicely for it to count.

We started with the jumping jacks. His coordination is not good. And he doesn’t stretch out his arms very far.

We stopped him several times as my wife and I tried to explain what he needed to do. Finally, he did them a little better.

Next it was sit-ups.

He could barely get off the ground from a flat surface. My wife told him to lean back against his big blue pillow. Then he was able to do 50.

Finally, pushups.

This was the hardest of all. There was no way he could do ten, let alone 20.

My wife tried to show Kai how to do it with his knees on the floor. But somehow he could not do it. He moved his head up and down but not his body. His hands were in the wrong position. He didn’t extend his body as far as he should.

It was frustrating that he didn’t seem to listen to us. And the more we told him, the more frustrated and angry he became.

We decided to find a different exercise to replace the pushups.

I found a couple of low-weight dumbells (two and a half pounds each). I showed him how to lift them by extending his arms from his shoulders to straight up overhead. He did ten of those.

And then he did ten curls.

It was a minor ordeal, but he had earned his second Trashie of the day.

A couple hours later, he wanted to do more exercises.

I could see where this was going. No, we are not going to work out several times a day, I told him.

He was mad. This is a boy who still does not tolerate waiting very well, and the thought of waiting another day to earn another Trashie was tough.

“That’s too long! It will take forever for me to earn them!”

Eventually, he calmed down and we enjoyed the rest of our Sunday.

And this morning, as I was getting ready to go to work at 6:45, I heard the thumping of a boy doing jumping jacks.

“Lucky to See Dad”

I was up before 5AM yesterday as I had a flight to catch for a business trip.

I tiptoed down to the kitchen to have a quick bite to eat before heading out. Apparently, I wasn’t as quiet as I was trying to be.

Kai came out of his bedroom and out into the hallway. Lately, he has resumed his old ways of waking up in the middle of the night, so it wasn’t too much of a surprise that he would be awake now.

“Hello, Kai,” I said.

“Hi Dad,” he said cheerfully. He was wide awake. “I wanted to wish you a good trip before you left.”

I went over and gave him a big hug, and told him I loved him.

And then I sent him back to bed.

Several minutes later, just as I was ready to depart, he came out again.

“Goodbye, Dad.”

I encouraged him to have another good day at school, and said goodbye.

And then I sent him back to bed and told him to not wake Mom up until it was time to get up.

My day was very busy, but I made it back to my hotel room just at Kai’s bedtime, and initiated a Skype call.

This is my second business trip since I started this job. On my first trip, I stayed at a hotel that had a lot of fancy features in the room that I was able to show my family over Skype. Kai wanted to see what kind of room I had this time. I showed him that it was just a regular room.

I asked Kai about his day. He told me that he had another good day at school. Only two more days for a third straight safe week this month, I told him.

Other than that, Kai seemed a bit quiet on the video call. But my wife told me what Kai had said to her this morning.

“I was lucky to see Dad before he left!”

Ha, I’m glad that he is still enthusiastic about seeing his dad.

Of course, I was the one who felt fortunate to get such a nice send off this morning, and to know that he did well while I was gone.

Now hopefully he will have one more good day that he can tell me all about when I get home tonight.

Math and Yoga

I often have my son do extra math work on weekends via the online Thinkwell math website. Kai is now about three-fourths through the sixth grade math program.

Recently, he has been motivated to do several assignments each weekend by the incentive of collecting a set of flash cards, one at a time, of the elements of the periodic table.

Kai usually enjoys math, and is advanced for his age. But it’s not at all like he is a math genius who can solve advanced problems all on his own. No, Kai often needs help.

I always sit with him while he is doing the work. Kai tends to get distracted and not pay attention to the video when the online professor is explaining the topic. When I see Kai’s eyes wandering, I point at the screen and redirect him.

After the watching the videos, there are problems for the student to do. And that is where I am needed the most.

Kai loves doing math as long as he feels confident in what he is doing. But as soon as it gets even a little difficult, he wants to quit.

“This is too hard!”

I try to encourage him.

Sometimes that is not enough.

“I can’t do it!”

I try to help, but never by just giving him the answer. Rather, I ask questions that will help him think through the problem.

“What is the formula for area of a circle?” I ask. I want him to say “area equals pi r squared.”

Instead, he says, “Six times ten” as he gives some of the numbers, incorrectly, that were on the assignment.

“No, Kai, don’t tell me the numbers. First, just tell me the formula for area of a circle.”

Too often, by this point, Kai’s anger has already escalated to where he doesn’t listen to me. He starts writing things down on paper. I try to stop him as he is heading in the wrong direction. And as I do so, his anger is fully boiled.

“I hate this! I am never doing Thinkwell again!”

I suggest we take a break and come back to this later.

He is mad, but he agrees to do yoga with Mom. Anything with Mom instead of Dad is welcomed at this point.

Kai’s therapist recently gave us a dvd of yoga techniques that we can do with Kai at home. My wife wanted to try this out with Kai. She tells Kai that he can earn two periodic table flash cards if he does yoga, then goes back to complete the Thinkwell assignment.

We watch the video and try to follow along with the yoga instructor. According to his therapist, Kai is supposed to know all of the movements.

But he mostly is goofing along rather than doing them seriously.

Still, by the time the video is done, he is in a good enough mood to give Thinkwell another try.

This time he listens to me.

Let’s write down the formula for area of a circle, I suggest. He does so.

Now, what is the radius, I ask. He tells me the diameter.

Are you sure that is the radius? He sees his mistake and corrects it.

Now what do you do with the radius? Multiply it by itself.

Good, I encourage him. And we go through the problem step by step.

He gets the answer correct and he is now happy.

I ask him fewer questions on the next problem, having him do more by himself.

And soon he is able to do them with no help on my part.

Afterward he goes upstairs to collect his flash cards from Mom.

She gives him one for completing the Thinkwell. But he was goofing around and did not do the yoga well so he does not get the bonus card.

He does not like that, but doesn’t protest for too long. He realizes that he did not do it well.

Later, after dinner, he asks Mom if he can do the yoga again. This time he will do it nicely he says.

And so he does.

Working Through Disappointment

When we first watched the original Star Wars movie nearly a year ago, my son was only mildly entertained. And so, we did not get any more Star Wars films for our weekly movie nights.

Recently, though, Kai’s interest in Star Wars has picked up. The reason: Angry Birds Star Wars.

At school, the kids are allowed to play on iPads during breaks and at lunchtime. Angry Birds has been one of their most popular free-time activities for some time now. And a couple months ago, we found out from Kai that there is a Star Wars version.

It wasn’t long before Kai was talking about Wookiees and R2D2 and Obiwan.

He became all things Star Wars. He even found a Lego parody of Star Wars.

It wasn’t long before he was talking about Jabba the Hut and Ewoks. I was surprised as they weren’t in the first movie that we had watched. But they apparently are in either the Angry Birds version or some Lego film.

With Kai’s newfound passion for Star Wars, we got the next two films in the series for our recent movie nights: The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi.

This time, Kai was highly entertained. He loved both films and wanted to watch many parts over and over. It was funny that my wife, who did not particularly like the first film, also enjoyed the subsequent ones. And, perhaps influenced by Kai’s enthusiasm, I loved them much more than I did when I first saw them years ago.

Of course, Kai’s love of Star Wars meant that he wanted to collect Star Wars toys – specifically, the Angry Birds Star Wars collection.

He told us about an Angry Birds Star Wars Mystery Bag. For $3, you can buy a foil bag that has two mini figures. We decided that it was a great incentive for our Point Store.

Regular readers may recall that we copied our son’s school in opening a Point Store that offers Kai an opportunity to exchange points he earned for specified good behavior for preferred items.

With a powerful incentive like Angry Birds Star Wars, Kai was highly motivated and earned points quickly. A couple weeks ago, he earned his first mini figures and was very happy.

He set about to earn his next Mystery Bag, and earlier this week, he had accumulated enough points for his second one.

He opened it up, and….

was tremendously disappointed when he found that the two mini figures were the exact same ones as were in the first bag.

I can certainly understand the disappointment. But when Kai is disappointed, he becomes a very angry bird.

He demanded that Mom take back the Mystery Bag and replace it with a different one. My wife explained that you cannot take back something that has been opened. She looked at me with a questioning look.

It would have been easy for us to take back his mini figures and replace them with a different reward.

But I didn’t want to take the easy way out. I wanted him to learn about disappointment.

My wife and I explained that you never know what will be in these bags, and sometimes you may get duplicates. We encouraged him to keep working hard to earn another reward and the next one may contain different figures.

This did not satisfy him at all.

I told him about how I used to collect baseball cards as a child, and many times I would get a duplicate card. I understood how disappointing that is. But I often was able to trade my duplicates with friends to get new cards. Perhaps he could work out a trade with one of his classmates at school.

That finally seemed to relieve some of the disappointment.

But then Kai started talking about how Josh better trade with him.

Oh, boy! Did I just open a huge can of worms and set up a problem for the school staff?

I emailed Kai’s teacher and explained the situation. I apologized if I might have caused a problem, but was wondering if she could help facilitate a trade.

She wrote back quickly that evening. She explained that the school doesn’t permit trading between students as they’ve learned that it often leads to problems when kids change their minds later. However, she would be happy to offer Kai a trade herself, perhaps with Pokémon cards.

And so, yesterday, Kai went to school with his extra mini figures. And he returned with five Pokémon cards.

He was happy and I was relieved.

We hadn’t given in on appeasing his disappointment. Kai learned the concept of trading, and that there can be value in items that he has, even if they are duplicates.

And we were reminded about how awesome Kai’s teacher is in helping him work through his disappointment as a learning experience.

First Week Back at School, and Our Weekend

It has been one week now since the end of winter break.

All in all, we are satisfied with Kai’s transition back to school. His scores on the daily point sheets could have been higher on a couple of days, and he expressed some anger at various teachers and classmates when we talked about school at dinnertime.

But, he stayed safe. A week with no torn clothing or attempts to bite teachers; I guess I would put that one in the win column.

He had some extra motivation to stay safe. Early in the week, we got a belated holiday gift from an aunt: another prized “credit card” for the Lego store. We told him that if he stayed safe, Mom would take him shopping on Friday afternoon and he could pick out something with his new card.

From the looks of his point sheet that day, he barely made it. He was marked off more than once for not showing respect, among several other things. But he must have calmed down enough each time after being given a warning that he recovered enough to be marked as staying safe.

He picked out a set from the new Chima collection, which looks to be Lego’s latest big thing. (Those folks at Lego are marketing geniuses, much to the dismay of parents everywhere). And when he got home, he worked on it right away and had it mostly completed by the time I got home from work.

When he was showing me his new set, he told me that he was going to get another new one tomorrow. I was puzzled. How do you know that?

He explained that he had spoken on the phone with his grandmother who would be visiting over the weekend. She was at the Lego store as they spoke. Hmm, what was she doing there?

And the next day, when his grandparents arrived, they brought over new Legos which he loved and started on right away.

For lunch, we all went to Fuddrucker’s, Kai’s favorite hamburger restaurant. He loves the condiments bar where he can take all the pickles and onions that he can eat.

These days, he is usually pretty good at waiting for his food to arrive. Well, for a few minutes anyway. But on this day, he seemed restless. The restaurant gives each group a buzzer to alert you when your order is ready. Kai sat at the table for only a minute before he wanted to go up to the counter to check on the progress. He was a bit impatient, but still managed to wait nicely.

And when our order was up, we went and got a plateful of pickles and he was a happy kid.

The rest of our weekend was spent building Legos, doing extra math work, and playing a periodic table quiz – in other words, an ordinary weekend.

Now we begin a new week. Can Kai stay safe two weeks in a row? Can he finally attain a safe month? Ah, but now I’m getting ahead of myself. One day at a time, I tell him.

Let’s see how today goes.

Last Days of Winter Break

My son goes back to school this morning.

We had a good final weekend of winter break, though I wasn’t sure we would on Friday evening.

My wife had called me at work that afternoon. She was very upset.

Kai had opened the front door and one of our dogs ran out. My wife had to run up and down the block to try to catch the dog. It was frigid cold out, and it must have seemed like forever before she finally caught her. When she called me, she was coughing from breathing in all that cold air, and her body was aching from all the running and stress.

To make matters worse, Kai did not seem a bit sorry for opening the door. He was laughing the whole time.

After an afternoon where he had already complained about his “yucky” lunch, and was in a demanding mood, my wife had had enough.

My wife was still angry when I got home. I didn’t say too much to Kai, as my wife was still voicing her displeasure over his words and actions.

I heated up some leftovers for dinner. When my wife left the room, I spoke to Kai quietly. I told him that he made a mistake in opening the door when the dogs were there, but I was most disappointed that he laughed about the whole thing. It wasn’t funny, and he has to learn not to laugh when someone is in distress.

I also told him that it was not nice to complain about his meal as he has been doing often these days. He doesn’t have to like everything he is served, but I wanted him to appreciate that Mom tries hard every day to make good meals that will keep him strong and healthy.

After that, we had a quiet meal. And then he took a bath.

After bath, he wanted to play a game as is our usual custom. I told him I would play with him, but first he had to do something.

I stuck a blank piece of paper in front of him on the kitchen table.

“What’s that for?”

What do you think?

“To write a sorry letter. What should I say?”

What do you think you should say? You write it, I told him.

He started writing. He wrote that he was sorry for letting the dog out.

Anything else, I asked him?

He wrote that he was sorry for saying mean things about his meals.

He paused.

I asked what about laughing when Mom was feeling stressed. He wrote that he would try not to do that anymore.

I asked him if he could also try to think of other people’s feelings. He wrote that he would try.

When he was done, I asked him to really think about the things he wrote and to keep them in mind and not forget. He said he would.

He went downstairs to hand my wife the letter. When he came back upstairs, he was quiet. I told him that Mom might still be angry, but she would eventually forgive him.

We went to play our game, and my wife joined us a few minutes later.

The tension was broken.

We went on to have a good weekend.

Kai did not complain (hardly) the rest of the weekend. And we had a lot of fun.

We went ice skating outside at our local park for the first time since my wife bought us all skates a year ago. Last winter, with the unusually warm weather, the park district never made the rink. This weekend, we skated while it snowed.

We also worked on a Chicago puzzle that we gave Kai for Christmas. It is part jigsaw puzzle, and part inserting small replica of downtown Chicago buildings. It is a fun way to teach Kai about the name and location of the buildings, and the date they were constructed. Kai loves the building parts; the jigsaw part, not so much.

We also played a quiz game. I created questions about elements on the periodic table and my wife and Kai took turns answering them. My wife is a good sport to play, as Kai always wins these very handily.

We also cleaned up a bit from our holiday mess. We took down our Christmas tree. Three of the four dogs staying with us went home.

With Kai back in school today, things will go back to our regular routine. But it was a nice last weekend of break.

Hopefully his transition back to school will go equally well.

Happy New Year!

10:30 is usually a late night for me and my wife so we were not excited about staying up until midnight to ring in the new year.

Two years ago, we convinced Kai that he only needed to stay up to watch the ball drop on Times Square, which is one hour ahead of us. But last year he insisted that we stay up until midnight Chicago time, and this year was the same.

So, we had a lot of time to do things. First, we watched Toy Story 2, and the dogs and my wife had a hard time staying awake.

But Kai was wide awake the entire time. After the movie, he decorated our New Year’s cake.

And as the New Year approached, even the dogs perked up.

As the ball dropped on Times Square, we popped open our bottle of sparkling grape juice.

We had our cake and ate it, too, when we rang in the new year on Chicago time as well.

A new year is a time for optimism and resolve. Kai will turn 9 this year. We know he will change and grow in many ways. We look forward to see how it all unfolds.

Happy new year to all of you!

Four Dogs and a Boy

We have four dogs with us at the moment. It is nice that they all get along with each other, more or less. Here you see the first three dogs enjoying a nice romp in our backyard.

After a half year of dog sitting, Kai still enjoys having dogs around. He likes to go for walks with them.

And he really had fun when we took two of the dogs to a small hill for our first sledding of the season. (One dog seemed to really enjoy riding with my wife on the sled, while the other preferred running down the hill and chasing after the sleds with me).

But the thing that Kai most enjoys is when a dog does something he or she shouldn’t do. This boy, who rarely comes when we call him, will run up from the basement every time the moment he hears Mom groaning. No matter if he is playing with his beloved Legos or doing something on the computer, Kai doesn’t want to miss out on the ‘fun’.

“What did Coco do, Mom?”

“Where did she pee? Can I see it? Can I see it?”

And as my wife cleans up the mess, Kai is laughing hysterically the whole time.

Usually the dogs bond quickly with my wife. Most of them seem to like Kai, too, even though he doesn’t pet them or play with them much. And they like me well enough, though I am never their favorite.

Until this last dog we got.

Perhaps because she was the last to arrive this week and my wife was already occupied with three dogs, a boy, and my dad, the fourth dog took to me right away from the moment she arrived.

The next day, when I left the house to take my dad home, she cried as we drove off. And when I returned in the evening, she showered me with affection, licking my face, wagging her tail, and asking for tummy rubs.

I had known her for only a day and she missed me much more than my son did. He was on the computer when I returned and was in no hurry to rush up and see me. I barely got a “hello” out of him.

This morning, Mint hung out with me from the time I woke up until the moment I had to leave for work. She again was whimpering as I left.

Oh well, I guess I will take my affection where I can get it.

Christmas

My Christmas cheer is starting to return so I will post some happy Christmas photos. This is especially for Kai’s grandparents.

Kai was very excited when he woke up on Christmas morning. Of course he wanted to open his presents right away. I told him he had to wait for Mom to come downstairs, so he happily jumped for joy on the trampoline until Mom arrived.

We let him open a few stocking stuffers first.

Then he had to wait until everyone showered and we all had breakfast before we would open the rest of the presents. While my wife and I showered, he sat at the tree sorting through the presents and organizing them into piles for each person.

And then it was finally time to open the rest of the presents. He went through his presents pretty quickly, though I was glad that he remembered who gave him each gift.

Kai has already made great progress on building one of his new Lego sets. I can tell already that he will be finished with his new sets all too soon.

But we haven’t been doing just Legos, we have done science experiments, and played with other toys and games. Here’s a game called Suspend where you have to balance metal bars so they don’t fall down.

In a lull between all of our activities, Kai had the audacity to proclaim, “I’m bored.” How a child with so many fun, new things could be bored is beyond me.

When does he go back to school?