A Spot of Ketchup, A Bewildered Dad

I should be used to it by now. But it still confounds me how seemingly little things can bother my son.

I know that sometimes sensory issues can cause him distress. But, there are times when I am baffled as to why something upsets him so much.

Take the other night, for instance. Kai was having a burger and fries for dinner. He sometimes likes to dip his fries in ketchup, so my wife squeezed a little on his plate, off to the side of the burger.

From his reaction, you might have thought that she put a live octopus on his plate. He screamed that he wanted the ketchup off his plate immediately.

There are many times when we adapt to Kai’s persnickety ways. We’ve let him have separate forks for his meat and his vegetables, just to name one example. But, on this night, it didn’t feel right. I couldn’t see any reason why he couldn’t have a little ketchup on his plate. After all, it wasn’t touching his other food. It was just there.

It would have far easier just to clean the ketchup off (trust me on this one). But, at that moment, I decided that he needed to eat his dinner with the ketchup on his plate. Perhaps I was influenced because of the way Kai screamed about it instead of asking nicely. Maybe it was because he had already angrily refused to try the new soup that was also served for dinner.

Regardless, I didn’t think it was a good idea to make accommodations for something that seemed to have no logic behind it. I thought that it was important to teach my son to be flexible, and that he shouldn’t let a silly thing like ketchup on his plate bother him so. I thought that he should understand that not everything in the world will be changed for him just because it bothers him.

It became quite an ordeal. He shouted and screamed and said many threatening words. Of course, he went into a timeout.

Eventually, he calmed down and ended up back at the dinner table. He tried some of the soup. And when he had a few bites of the hamburger, I gave him a clean plate with no ketchup on it.

Was I wrong to try to leave the ketchup on the plate, knowing how upset it made him? What is the balance between trying to teach a child with autism to be more flexible, and doing what it takes to keep him from getting too upset? Is there a good reason, sensory or otherwise, why having ketchup on the plate should make him so angry? Is there a better approach?

Bewildered and unsure, that is the state of this particular dad trying to raise a child with autism.

Pass the ketchup, please.

Ice Show Practice + Cubs = Trauma

If all goes according to plan, my son will be participating in an ice show on Mother’s Day weekend. Of course, that is a big ‘if.’

This past Saturday was the first practice. At 8 AM, my son and I went to the same rink where Kai has his weekly skating class. Many of the kids in his special needs class are taking part in the show, so we decided to sign him up for it as well.

I was curious to see what type of routine these kids would be doing. While the disabilities of the kids vary, I know that several, including my son, have issues with behavior. I wondered how the teacher would be able to get them to perform together.

It wasn’t easy.

One boy refused to cooperate from the very beginning, skating away from the group and mostly hanging out in the corner of the rink while his teen assistant unsuccessfully tried to coax him to join the others. His mother commented that she would have been really stressed out and embarrassed if he was doing this in a class full of typical kids, but with this group she felt comfortable knowing that all of us other parents would understand. Still, I think she felt somewhat relieved when another boy started having problems, too.

That boy was my son.

At first, Kai skated along with the group nicely as the teacher tried to instruct the kids on the routine. The highlight of the performance will be a simple dance number set to the Steve Goodman song “Go Cubs Go.” Even on the first ragged attempt, the kids looked pretty cute as they waved their arms back and forth, somewhat in unison. During the actual performance, all of the kids will be wearing Cubs shirts.

After about a half hour, I saw Kai lying on the ice. Apparently, he had had enough.

Frankly, I couldn’t blame him. After all, it was the Cubs. Couldn’t they have picked a number that didn’t have anything to do with over a century of losing? I was hoping to spare my son a lifetime of heartache, but, here he was, only seven years old, and he was forced to dance on ice while listening to the musical fairytale that “The Cubs are gonna win today.”

Eventually he got up off the ice… so that he could skate off the rink and tell me that he wanted to go home. Practice wasn’t over yet, but I didn’t have the heart to subject him to more Cubs’ torture.

Still, the group photo for the ice show program was scheduled to be taken after practice so I wanted him to stick around. We went into the hallway and I tried to calm Kai down as he kept insisting, quite loudly and vehemently, that he wanted to go home.

When it was finally time for the photos, the girls who help him skate each week tried to cheer him up. He barked at them that he wanted to go home. I also tried being nice so that he would look somewhat pleasant for the photo. Yeah, that didn’t work.

So, I told him firmly that he was going to be in the picture and that I wanted to see a smile. If not, he would lose some privileges. When the photographer was setting up the group, I dragged him to the first row. He didn’t smile. The photographer snapped off a couple of shots. I have no doubt that my son will be the grouchiest-looking of all the hundreds of kids that will be in the program.

We shall see if he has any more of a smile in the show, or if he ends up skating in it at all. I just hope that the Cubs’ trauma doesn’t scar him for life as it did so many of us.


For those of you not from Chicago, here is the story of Steve Goodman and his "Go Cubs Go" song:

An Elementally Routine Weekend

It was a routine weekend. Well, by our standard anyway. It was full of elements and NASCAR. What? That’s not the weekend routine at your house?

After having no race on the schedule last weekend, NASCAR returned this weekend. My son didn’t watch too much of the race, but now that it has become part of our Sunday routine, he insists on having it on.

Instead, Kai spent most of the time that the race was on talking about elements. Yes, he is still into them.

At our weekly trip to the library, he got another book about them. The choice this week was a book about sodium and potassium. We read a little bit of it, but mostly he likes looking at the pictures of the atomic structures.

He also asked me to find a game online called Space Chem. Apparently, one of Kai’s TAs at school showed it to him. When Kai first asked me to look for it, I had trouble as I thought that he was saying Space Chum or Space Chimp as he was pronouncing the “Ch” as a “ch” sound and not a “k” sound. I finally found it after I had him spell it out.

It took my non-scientific brain a while to figure out how the game is played. It is a type of puzzle game and the premise is that you take on the role of a Reactor Engineer who manipulates atoms to create molecules. Once I understood what I needed to do, it actually was kind of fun and challenging to play, in a geeky sort of way.

Kai mostly wanted to watch me play it, as he enjoyed watching the atoms go around the circuit that we build in the game. I managed to get him to try it as well, and he was able to figure out the beginner puzzles that we did. But this game is really for people well beyond his age so I’m not sure how much he understood the storyline. However, it’s a step beyond single elements and into molecules, so hopefully he learned something useful. Though, he did drive Mom crazy asking her to do it. She tried a couple of the puzzles, but it wasn’t her thing and she wanted Kai to do them instead of constantly pestering her about it. And, he’s not exactly one to let things drop just because you ask him to.

Anyway, now it is Monday and the weekend is over. But, that doesn’t mean that the elements are forgotten. Today’s element of the day is actinium. Just so you don’t feel left out, its symbol is Ac and its atomic number is 89. Now, go have fun with it.

You can find a demo of Space Chem here.

Progress, But Not Without Holes

He did it. My son earned a green belt in his karate class yesterday.

I marveled at how well Kai did. He really knew all of the kata (karate movements), performing them as well as any of the kids. He performed with no hesitation, demonstrating his confidence.

Even more amazingly, he kept quiet while the other kids were performing their routines. The first time Kai took a karate test more than a year ago, he couldn’t stop chatting and laughing when he was watching the others. We felt embarrassed over how disrespectful he was. This time, after being the first to perform the test, he managed to sit still while all the other kids had their turns.

There was another thing that surprised me that had nothing to do with performing karate. When one of the teenaged sempai (teaching assistant) entered the locker room before the test, Kai greeted him with a loud “Hello, Michael.” He followed up with an enthusiastic “How are you doing?” I don’t recall very many times when my son initiated a social greeting like that, at least not without following it up with a question about elements or the other person’s age.

The day wasn’t a complete success, however. Kai came home from school with a large hole in the green t-shirt he wore for St. Patrick’s Day. He had bitten his shirt when he got upset in P.E. over being tagged in a tagging game.

That’s my son. One moment he chews holes in clothing over something that makes no sense to us; another moment he impresses us with how much he has matured.

I’ll take the progress. Now, we need to fill in the holes.

Going for Green

Yesterday I wrote about Green Smoothies. Today, my son goes for a green belt on his karate exam. Happy Saint Patrick’s Day, everyone!

My son has been in a karate class for kids with special needs for a year and a half. When Kai first started, we thought that he would not be able to keep up with his peers in the class. Based on his performance in school at the time, it seemed likely that he would not be able to listen and follow along with the rest of the group. Also, physically, his core muscles were weak, he lacked coordination, and did not have good control of his body or awareness of his body in motion.

That he was able to learn and fit in with the class after just a few weeks was an eye opener for us. A lot of credit goes to the firm methods of the sensei who was able to get Kai to focus and perform well.

Kai earned his yellow belt in a few months and then an orange one after about a year. Still, he always kept a pretty nonchalant attitude. While the other kids seemed to take the karate more seriously, Kai often had a goofy smile on his face while practicing his kata (karate movements). Not exactly ninja like.

Recently, however, he has become more diligent. For the first time, he cares about the test. He wants his green belt. And, he seems confident that he will get it. At class earlier in the week, after he demonstrated his kata, he told sensei, “I did a good job. Can I have my green belt today? Of course sensei barked at him that he would have to take the test.

So, we shall see how it goes today. I don’t know if he is quite ready to be awarded the green belt just yet. But, I am happy to see how he has matured.

Whether he goes green or stays orange, it will be a nice Saint Patty’s day for us.

Green Smoothies

A lot of families with autistic children have their kids on a gluten-free, casein-free (GFCF) diet. We do. But lately, my wife has been taking our nutritional health to a whole new level.

I think most would agree that the diet of many Americans often leaves a lot to be desired. I do not exclude myself as, in my single days, my meals sometimes consisted of Doritos, Oreo cookies, and fried foods.

With the benefit of my wife’s cooking, I’ve eaten much healthier the past few years. And, we both have become more conscious of nutrition as we’ve tried to instill good eating habits onto our son. But, while Kai isn’t the picky eater he was until a couple of years ago, it still is sometimes hard to get him to consume as much vegetables as we would like.

So, my wife found a new approach: Green smoothies!

We have found that it can be easier to get our son to consume a green smoothie than to eat an equivalent amount of vegetables. And, it’s not just for our son; my wife and I are also getting more greens into our diet.

More greens mean more nutrition, including antioxidants, and better health overall. I can tell that my wife has more energy and I am feeling better overall. We’ve cut way back on processed foods which contribute to so many of the health problems that people have today.

The basic formula for a green smoothie is pretty simple. My wife usually blends a green vegetable with fruit. Often, she will add water or fruit juice to give it a more liquid consistency. Sometimes she will add herbs or sprouts as well. For me, the fruit part is what makes it taste great.

Some of the specific ingredients she has used include:

• Green vegetables – kale, spinach, wheatgrass, greens, lettuce, celery, bok choy, just to name a few
• Fruits – apples, avocado, banana, mango, raspberries, oranges, pineapple, strawberries, among others
• Herbs – cilantro, parsley, basil are my wife’s favorites
• Sprouts such as alfalfa, broccoli or clover can also be added

My wife tells me that a completely raw food diet has even more health benefits. I love my burgers and roast chicken too much to do that. But, it is good to know that we’re adding the nutrition we need without really sacrificing a lot of taste.

Raising children is hard work sometimes. The consequences of poor nutrition – being sick or just feeling sluggish – adds to the challenge. With a child who has autism, it is even more important that we parents stay healthy and feel good.

Consider going green. With a smoothie, that is.

My wife’s favorite resource for green smoothies is a book by Victoria Boutenko. “Green Smoothie Revolution" gives more explanations of the benefits of green smoothies as well as lots of recipes.

Daylight Saving Time – Grrrr

After four years of my son waking up in the middle of the night on a regular basis, Kai finally started sleeping through the night more often in January. We initially wondered how long this new pattern would last, and was thrilled that it actually became even more consistent in February and into early March.

Then, this weekend, we had to change the clocks for Daylight Saving Time.

At 3:15 on Monday morning, I heard the familiar knocking on our bedroom door. Uh oh. My son was awake.

Last night, he knocked at 2:00 AM. He was very chatty.

Here we go again.

We are hoping that his awakening in the middle of the night is only a matter of adjusting to the time change. But, with Kai, who knows?

Why did we have to create a disruption in his sleep pattern just when we finally had things going good?

They say that more daylight helps to brighten people’s mood. Maybe that will turn out to be so. But, right now, I am just grouchier.

Daylight? Bah humbug. I’d rather have sleep instead.

Best of the Best, Edition 4: Family life

The topic for this month’s S-O-S Best of the Best (BoB) is family life as it relates to invisible special needs. A total of 34 bloggers submitted posts and shared many different experiences and viewpoints on family life with a child with special needs. Specific topics include marriage, outings, parenting, siblings, vacations, and the child’s future, among others.

Please check out it all out here.

And, for those of you visiting from Best of the Best, thank you. Here are some recent posts you may find interesting:

• In just the past few weeks, my seven year old son became interested in obsessed with prime factorization and the periodic table.
• I also wrote about his burgeoning atypical artistic talents.
• And, his issues with rigidity that lead to his latest incident at school.
• And, also, about his quest to find a new man for Mom.

TGIM

Weekends are a fun time. Or so we hear. Sometimes I wonder if that is just a bunch of hooey spread by some PR firm hired by the Chief Marketing Officer of Saturdays and Sundays.

For us, Sundays are the day when our son has no therapy or extracurricular activities. That means that my wife and I have the entire day to spend with Kai.

Am I a bad parent if I say that it is stressful to spend a whole day with our son?

It sounds awful, doesn’t it? I am shrinking in shame as I type this.

And yet, as Kai has become more belligerent toward us, it is becoming less enjoyable to be with him. When we’re together for a whole day, it is becoming inevitable that he will talk back to us and become disrespectful.

This weekend, he told us that he didn’t want to be our son anymore and that he would find another mom and dad. I told him that it didn’t work that way. We are his parents and he cannot just find someone else. Then he said that he would live by himself. He said that he didn’t need us. I won’t go into all of the details, but it went on to become a very unpleasant afternoon. He said even harsher things and went into a long timeout in his room.

He had to stay there until he cleaned up the books he threw on the floor and adjusted his attitude. Eventually, he did clean up. And, when I went in to talk to him, he finally showed some remorse. I talked to him about respect, mean words, and things he could say instead. He seemed to listen, and, this time, accepted his punishment that he would not have his periodic table or elements flash cards for the rest of the day.

While that sounds encouraging, I know that it is only a matter of time before we will have to go through this again.

I know that being a parent is hard work. We can’t expect kids to always do what we think is right. We have to teach them. It takes time and a lot of effort. Eventually it will pay off. So, we persevere.

I understand all that.

But, that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel relieved that the weekend is over.

Happy Monday.

Relief, Sadness, Perspective

We just heard from my wife’s parents who live in Japan. They are okay, though perhaps still a bit unsettled from having experienced the most severe earthquake of their lives. But, they are okay enough to tell us not to worry about them.

It’s a relief for us; though we remain sad knowing that many others will not receive good news.

When tragedy of this magnitude hits, it puts perspective on the problems of our day-to-day lives. Oh sure, there are definitely big problems that we all deal with, but perhaps we needn’t get so stressed out over all of the little ones, too.

This weekend, I’m going to appreciate all of the many wonderful things I am blessed with in my life, and especially enjoy my time with my family. .

Our hearts are with all of the victims and their loved ones.

There’s Something About Mary: Great Therapist and Much More

If I could have one wish for all families who find out that their child has autism, I would wish that they could have a Mary enter their lives.

Mary was our son’s behavioral therapist for nearly four years. But she was really much more than that. She was an advisor, consultant, counselor, teacher, and friend.

We met Mary shortly after Kai was diagnosed. We didn’t know very much about autism back then. All we knew was that Kai needed help. He needed therapy, we were told. And, Mary was recommended to us.

The first time she met Kai, she got him to respond to her, something that he rarely did with anyone at that time. She was only a year or two out of graduate school. But, she seemed very capable. She was confident that she could make a difference, and, in doing so, gave us confidence in her. We placed our trust, and Kai’s future, in her hands.

She did not let us down.

She worked with Kai three times a week in that first year. She also put together a team of therapists that came to our house so that Kai would have therapy thirty hours a week.

As a therapist, Mary was wonderful. Her goofy personality helped to foster a strong bond with Kai. But, she also was firm with him, and knew just how much to push him. She taught him to do things that we thought he might never do.

But, Mary was much more than a great teacher for our son. She taught us, too. She helped us to learn about autism, how it impacted our son, and what we could do about it. Every time we had an issue arise with Kai, we consulted Mary. And she always came up with a plan for addressing our concerns.

It was comforting to know that we would see Mary every two or three days. Mary coming over to see Kai was almost like having our own personal psychotherapist who made house calls. Sometimes she would just listen. Oftentimes she provided advice. And, when we needed it, she would provide encouragement.

On Mary’s advice, we sent Kai to a regular preschool. She went with him as his aide, but gradually, she faded her support so that he wouldn’t overly depend on her.

As time went on, our own dependence on Mary faded, too. We’ve learned a lot about autism. We feel more confident in our own abilities to deal with issues as they arise.

When Kai’s school schedule changed, he wasn’t able to see Mary on a regular basis anymore. Last night, she came over for dinner. It was the first time we had seen her in months. She marveled at how Kai had grown. We enjoyed seeing her again and getting caught up with all of her news.

She is getting married next month. She wants to start a family soon. We have no doubts that she will be an awesome mother.

And so, she is no longer Kai’s therapist. We don’t consult with her on a regular basis.

But, one thing will never change. We will always consider her a friend.

And, we will always be grateful that she entered our lives when we needed her the most.

******
This post was submitted for the S-O-S Best of the Best series on Therapy and Kids With Special Needs, which will be published on August 15, 2011. You find more information and read other submissions here.

Family Network TV Premiers “Siblinghood”

How do teenagers feel about having a brother or sister with special needs? An exciting new show gives us some great insights.

Meet Alex, Maggie, Nick, and Evan. They are the four bright teens who are featured on Family Network TV’s new program, “Siblinghood.”

The premier episode, “Sibs Take Manhattan” introduces us to the hosts:
Alex has an older sister, Sam, with Down Syndrome;
Maggie has a younger sister, Katie, with a rare chromosome deletion;
Nick has a younger brother, Joey, with autism;
Evan has a brother with higher functioning autism.

Children with disabilities require of lot of attention from parents. But, how does that affect the “other” children? What is their perspective? Over the course of the show, we will hear from each of the four hosts, as well as others along the way.

In the first episode, we are introduced to Kelly, a college student who also has a sibling with special needs. Kelly provided the most impactful moment when she spoke of how growing up with her brother inspired her career choice of working with kids with special needs. She got emotional, and we all did as well, as she recounted that “I missed out on a few things when I was younger which seemed like a big deal at the time… but looking back on it now, I’m so thankful that I had that time with Steven.”

Real teens. Real emotions. And, a really good program. Check it out here.

Our First Family Vacation

Our seemingly endless winter has us thinking about vacations. Spring Break is not too far off and, hopefully, summer will eventually arrive as well.

Vacations are supposed to be fun and relaxing, a getaway from all the stress of daily life. But, going on vacation with a child with autism can be even more stressful.

Until last year, other than trips to visit family, my wife and I had not taken a real vacation with our son.

When Kai was younger, especially, it felt risky being in public with him for long stretches. We may not have known when or where something would happen to set him off, but we felt it was just a matter of time.

Often, his fuse would be lit by having to wait. And on vacations, there are plenty of occasions that require a lot of waiting: Waiting in the security lines at airports; waiting for food to be served at restaurants; waiting to get on rides at an amusement park.

By early last year though, he had made progress in a lot of areas. He was able to wait longer. He did not get upset as often.

And so, last spring, with his grandparents wanting to take him to Disney World, we decided to go.

The short version of the story is that we had a great time. Kai enjoyed the 3D movies the most, but he enjoyed all of the rides he went on as well. But, being Kai, he also had as much fun riding the elevators and counting the floors in our hotel, and studying the maps of all of the different theme parks that we went to.

We tried to prepare for the trip as best we could. Here are some of the things that may have helped things go relatively smoothly:

• Create daily schedules: Kai likes to know what is planned so he can organize the day in his head. So, my wife created a schedule for each day’s activities. We were able to set expectations and prepare him for what was coming.

• Get the special needs’ pass: Disney makes accommodations for those with special needs that minimizes the time waiting in lines for attractions. Without the special pass, there is no way we would have even considered going to such a popular place. It is unfortunate that this benefit remains unique among major family vacation destinations.

• Avoid overload: Our typical day involved going to one of the parks right after breakfast, but coming back to our hotel room for lunch. Then, we would play in the hotel pool and relax in the room before heading back out to a park later in the afternoon. We pretty much saw every attraction we wanted to (thanks to the pass), and felt far less stressed than we would have if we have tried to stay out at the parks all day long.

• Minimize time in restaurants: We were able to stay in a suite that had a full kitchen and eating area so that we could eat all of our meals there instead of in restaurants. No restaurants meant no waiting for a table, no waiting for food, and no resultant meltdowns.

• Ship the things you need: Kai takes a lot of supplements and is on a gluten-free casein-free diet. Rather than carrying his supplements with us in our luggage and spending time trying to find stores that carry special foods down there, we shipped almost everything we needed to the hotel ahead of time. With airlines charging for every piece of luggage these days, we may have even saved money by doing it this way.

• Stay nearby: We stayed at a hotel that was near the Magic Kingdom, and a monorail ride away from Epcot. Doing so reduced the time waiting for buses and traveling to the parks. We also were able to see the nightly fireworks from our room on the nights we decided not to stay to see them in the park.

• Go with grandparents: As my wife’s parents live on the other side of the globe, we don’t get to see them too often. So, it is always a special time when we get together. Getting to share the experience of their grandson’s first trip to Disney World was an exceptional treat. And, it never hurts to have an extra caregiver or two around on a trip like this.

Now, I don’t want to leave you with the impression that everything went perfectly. There was one incident where Kai got very upset while we were at the Magic Kingdom. It started when he may have gotten something in his eye. When we couldn’t get him settled down quickly, we decided to go back to our hotel room. I may still have a scar from where Kai was biting my arm while I held him as we rode the train that goes around the park back to the entrance. But, once we returned to the haven of our room, he calmed down and was fine.

That aside, the trip was everything that you would want a vacation to Disney World to be. I had heard others describe the wonder in a young child’s face when experiencing it for the first time. It warms my heart that I got to see that same expression on our son’s face, too.

The Periodic Table???

My seven year old son is in a state of euphoria. He has discovered the periodic table of elements.

By now, my wife and I are not shocked when Kai is fascinated by things that hold no interest among most other kids his age. After all, it was a year ago that he memorized the Hebrew alphabet all by himself in a few days. And just last week, he was hooked on learning about prime factorization. But even so, this latest one captured our attention.

It all started a few days ago when he received a chemistry kit as a belated birthday present. Science is one of his favorite classes at school, so Kai enjoyed doing the experiments from the kit. The projects prompted some questions, and one thing led to another, and I ended up going online and showing him the periodic table.

Well, that was all it took.

For a boy who loves numbers and letters, discovering the periodic table was akin to discovering the Holy Grail. After all, the table has 118 elements (so I found out), each with its own unique atomic number and letter symbol.

It wasn’t long before he was telling us that hydrogen was number 1 and symbol H, while neon was number 10 and symbol Ne.

He went nuts on the computer, clicking on every link for the periodic table. One of his favorite discoveries was YouTube videos of Tom Lehrer singing the names of all the elements to the Major-General’s Song from The Pirates of Penzance.

He also found a great website that had a dynamic periodic table. Clicking on every element brings up information for that element, as well as pictures and video of scientists talking about and demonstrating the element. Now, the thought of scientists talking about elements may sound boring to you, but my son wanted to watch each one.

When we went to the library on Saturday, he asked a librarian to help him find a book on the elements. Shockingly, there were none in the little kids’ section so she had to direct us to the area for older kids. We got the simplest book I could find, though it was still more appropriate for high school kids than first graders.

Back home, he had Mom make flash cards of all of the elements. His most prized possession is now a set of 118 laminated cards.

Through all of these cards, books, websites, and videos, I was wondering how much of the information he was actually retaining, and was glad that he appears to be learning more than just the numbers and symbols. Kai now knows that neon is one of the noble gases, that hydrogen is the lightest element, and that carbon has the highest melting point.

Still, it is not always easy dealing with Kai’s obsessions.

For instance, he wanted to do the same experiments that the scientists were doing on the videos he was watching. The experiment with hydrogen, for example, involved filling up a balloon with hydrogen, and then exploding it into a ball of flame.

Never mind the fact that I didn’t have any hydrogen handy, we were not about to explode anything in our house. But none of my explanations could stop Kai from continually asking me to do the experiments. And, after that, the experiments in his new chemistry kit seemed too tame to interest him any longer.

He also was annoying when he asked me and Mom what our favorite elements are. Okay, that may not seem so annoying. But when he repeatedly asked us what our 117th favorite elements are, perhaps you can understand why we started to lose our sense of bemusement over the whole thing.

However, there were some side advantages to all of this. At the skating rink on Saturday morning, Kai was giving his volunteer helper a hard time about trying something new. I told him that if he did not skate nicely, he would have no periodic table for the rest of the day. The mothers of the other kids, as well as the teen volunteers, thought it was funny that a seven year old would be motivated by the loss of periodic table privileges. But, that is my son.

So, what is next? The Pythagorean Theorem? The theory of relativity?

Frankly, I’d be happier with a week of no incidents at school. But that would be too much to ask for now, wouldn’t it?


Here is one version of The Elements song:

Rigidly Determined to Help My Son

My wife was at school to witness our son’s latest major incident.

It actually happened right after a big success, when he gave a great presentation for the Black History Fair the other day. The fair ended shortly before what normally would be the end of the school day. Parents who attended the fair were given the option to take their child home right away, or have the child stay a few more minutes until class was formally dismissed.

Kai said he wanted to stay and finish out his school day so my wife was allowed to stand in the back of the classroom.

One of Kai’s classmates, however, did not stay. That boy’s mother decided to take her child home. Another woman wanted to take a picture of her grandson next to the display he had made. And that was enough to set off my son.

Kai couldn’t stand that all of his classmates were not in the classroom as the teacher started to wrap up the day. He started screaming for the boy who was having his picture taken to come back into the room. And although that boy hurried back, there was no calming Kai down when the other boy went home.

My wife tried to settle him down. But, when he kept screaming and disrupting the class, she let the teaching assistants handle it. Kai continued his tirade, using threatening language and trying to hurt the TAs. After hearing about all of his incidents at school, it was the first time either of us saw it first hand.

Kai, like many kids on the autism spectrum, has issues with rigidity. He likes things to be the way they always are. If there is a change, even one that seems minor to most of us, it can lead to a meltdown.

It is hard to understand why a classmate leaving school a few minutes early should cause such a huge eruption. And because it is difficult for us to relate to, it can be easy to get frustrated with our son. We’ve tried to teach him to be less rigid. We try to prepare him whenever there will be a change in his routine. Why can’t he adjust? Why can’t he learn?

But when I start to feel the frustration, I need to remind myself that I can’t be frustrated with my son. My frustration should be with autism. Autism is why my son is inflexible. Autism is why he gets so upset over little things.

And so, my son doesn’t deserve my frustration. He deserves my patience, my love, and understanding. But, what he needs most of all, is my determination to keep working hard to help him overcome his disability. And, on that, I will be rigid.

Easy Being a Parent? Yeah, Right.

I got a lot of reaction to my post on whether Tiger Mom would be able to raise a child with autism. Some folks were unabashed fans of the now-famous symbol of Asian parenting. Others said that her methods were akin to child abuse.

One comment from a 19 year old typified those who wanted to find a happy medium between Asian and Western methods. She said that she thought that Tiger Mom was too harsh, though Western methods can be lax. But the part of her comment that most interested me was when she went on to say, “I think it would be easy for a parent to push a child with a firm yet loving demeanor.”

Easy? Hah, I appreciate this reader’s sentiments, but it is obvious that she is not a parent.

As a dad who strives to push my son with a “firm yet loving demeanor,” I can tell you that it is not easy at all. What is the line between “loving” and “lax?” What happens when you are being “firm yet loving” and your child still refuses to do his homework or eat his vegetables or clean up the mess he made? What do you do when he talks back or says mean words as you try to firmly get him to do what he needs to do? What is next when the consequences he suffers doesn’t seem to deter him? How firm is too firm? At what point does “firm” cross over the line and become “harsh?”

I would guess that many children have trouble seeing things from anyone’s perspective but their own. In my son’s case, if I withhold dessert as a consequence of a poor choice he made, he will say that I am being mean, and would not think of what he did to cause my reaction. Based on what I have heard about teenagers, I have a feeling that this does not change all that much as kids get older. If anything, teens are probably even more inclined to think that their parents are unreasonable.

And so, I think that firmness and harshness is oftentimes a matter of perspective. If you are the parent and you are holding your child accountable, you are being firm. If you are the child and your parents are punishing you, they are being harsh.

Thinking about all this makes me think that this difference in perspective is a big reason why kids don’t fully appreciate their parents, perhaps until they themselves become parents as well. To kids, being a parent is easy. They must be incredulous that we all do such a lousy job.

Not that any of this should matter to us parents. We raise our kids the best we can. We shouldn’t do it out of hope that they will ever appreciate all that we do for them. There is no way they ever can. They will never truly understand how much thought we put into them, the worries we all have, the anxiety we feel when things don’t go well, and the joy we feel when they are happy or accomplishing something.

But, that’s okay. We do what we do as parents because we want the best for our kids. We do it because we love them.

Black History Presentation Sparks a Dream

My son’s school had a Black History Fair to cap off a month of special projects. Each student was assigned a famous African American. My son’s subject was Bill Pickett, who I learned was a rodeo star in the early 20th century, and a member of the Rodeo Hall of Fame.

The kids studied their subject and then created displays for the fair. The highlight of the program was to be a video presentation where each child speaks about their assigned African American hero.

Our expectations were pretty low. Kai can go on endlessly when talking about the numbers of the NASCAR racers or the square miles of countries or whatever else he is into at the time. But, ask him to speak about any other topic and you are lucky to get more than a word or two, usually mumbled incoherently.

And so, when my wife reported that Kai gave an awesome presentation, we were both stunned. She said that he spoke loudly, clearly and without hesitation as he described the accomplishments of Mr. Pickett. Even better, he didn’t say the words in a boring monotone as if he were reading his material. Instead he spoke freely and with enthusiasm, giving his presentation more flair.

He even surprised another mother who sees Kai quite often at his ice skating class. There, Kai rarely responds to her no matter how much she tries to talk with him. So, it’s no wonder that she was shocked that he could actually speak so well.

Okay, now I know that this wasn’t on the level of Martin Luther King delivering his “I have a dream” speech. But, to us, it was momentous in a small way.

It gives me hope that one day he will be able to just as articulately describe his day at school. That is my dream.

Hope Springs Eternal in a New Month

February was a bad month for us. It was the snowiest in our area’s history. And it was the worst month of school for our son in the past year.

Kai capped off the month with two more major incidents at school yesterday. That made nine for the month. And that is nine more than in January when he incredibly went the whole month without one.

What makes it even worse is that his behavior at home seems to be deteriorating as well. In the past, when Kai had trouble at school, his behavior at home was usually pretty good. But, this month has been different.

He has developed a bad attitude. He is being more disrespectful. He doesn’t listen. He talks back. He is more disobedient.

It is frustrating; probably the most frustrating time I’ve had as a parent. I think I’ve given him more timeouts this month than in the whole last year.

A part of me understands that this may be, at least in part, just the natural result of him growing up. He wasn’t going to stay a sweet, innocent little kid forever. He is asserting his independence. He is challenging us. Certainly he is able to express his thoughts like never before.

But knowing this doesn’t make it easier. And as these seemingly endless grey winter days continue, I am looking for signs of a ray of light with our son’s behavior.

If I look for positives, I see that the month wasn’t all bad. Kai has started to sleep through the night with regularity for the first time in four years. In fact, he’s sleeping so well that it’s hard to get him up for school in the morning.

Wait a minute. Difficulty waking up in the morning? Bad attitude? Disrespectful to parents?

My son has become a teenager!

He had his birthday in February and I thought that he turned seven years old. But, the same quirk of nature that brought all that snow must have mysteriously aged my son by ten years instead of one.

Well, that would make sense since I feel like I’ve aged ten years, too.

I can only hope that the magical effect will be reversed in March.

Welcome, March! Good riddance, February!

Oh how nice it feels to turn the page; to get a fresh start.

Now, I know that things really won’t just magically change. There will be more grey days. It will snow again. My son will have more incidents at school. His behavior at home won’t suddenly improve.

But, somehow knowing that March will bring the official end of winter and the beginning of spring has created an air of optimism, a bit of hope.

Hope springs eternal. That’s my mantra for the month.

Toys? Games? Math!

My son was bored on Saturday afternoon. I suggested a game. No, he said, he did not want to play any games. How about building something with Legos? No. We can read. Or, maybe play some Wii. No and no.

Finally, Kai decided what he wanted to do.

He wanted to do math.

We went on the computer and I found a website that had math games. He played one that involved matching fractions, decimals and percents. Level 1 started out with easy problems, but by the time Kai got to Level 10, he was matching 5/6 with 83.3% and 11/12 with .917. He was able to answer that 1/400 = 0.25%, while 1/250 = 0.4%. I thought that was not bad for a boy who just turned seven years old.

Then he found out that there were math videos on the same website. Now the thought of watching videos about mathematics probably would not excite most kids, or most of you for that matter. But, Kai couldn’t be happier. That the topics were new to him, and probably well beyond the interest of most first graders, only seemed to intrigue him even more. The first one he wanted to watch was “What is a prime number?” The next one he selected was “What is prime factorization?” The third one was “What are divisibility rules?”

How many kids would choose to spend a Saturday afternoon learning about prime factorization? For that matter, how many grown ups even know what it is? I certainly wouldn’t have been able to tell you anything about it before watching these videos with my son.

And yet, Kai was spellbound. This boy, who can’t seem to sit in his chair for more than 90 seconds at a time while eating dinner, stayed seated the entire time while the narrator explained how to find the prime factorization of 525. This boy, whose mind never stops wandering when he is supposed to be doing his school homework, had a laser-like focus as he listened attentively to the divisibility rules for the numbers one through ten.

After he finished watching the videos, he finally got out of his seat – just long enough to get some paper and a pencil. Then, he was back in his chair as he replayed each one. On second viewing, he took notes the way a dedicated college student might in his favorite class.

When Mom got home later that afternoon, Kai couldn’t wait to go over his notes with her and to teach her all the exciting things he had learned. That night, he brought all of his math notes with him to bed, wanting them close by the way most kids would want to snuggle with a favorite stuffed animal.

But, who needs stuffed animals, or toys, or games when you have math?

By the way, for those of you interested, the prime factorization of 525 is 3 x 5 to the second power x 7. If you need more of an explanation, please contact my son.

If you are curious to see the math videos that fascinated my son, they can be found here.

Time for Sex Education?

My son disrobed Barbie yesterday.

He and my wife had their regular session with his psychotherapist yesterday afternoon. Lately, the sessions have been used to help my son learn to deal with emotions like sadness and disappointment.

Toward this, the therapist, “Marcy,” sometimes gives our son a Barbie doll to help work through his disappointment. The doll is supposed to represent the therapist, and the idea is that rather than being physically aggressive toward the person, Kai can talk to or take his frustrations out on the doll. For instance, he oftentimes likes to build a “jail” for “Little Marcy” to express the anger he feels for some limit that “Big Marcy” has set.

During yesterday’s session, Kai began taking off the doll’s clothing. Before long he was holding a naked Barbie. He seemed very curious and examined her closely. I understand that it is normal for kids to have such curiosity.

But, Kai went beyond looking at the doll. He asked Marcy to take off her clothes.

As you would expect from a professional, she was unflustered. She told my son that her body was private and she did not want to take off her clothes.

My wife’s reaction, and mine later when I heard about it, was quite different. Oh. My. God! Our son is asking people to take off their clothes!!!!!

It was bad enough when he was asking folks what year they were born or how old they were. But, this is a whole ‘nother matter. Is this going to become another regular routine of his? Ack!

Marcy suggested that it might be time for us to teach our son more about the human body, the differences between boys and girls, and even where babies come from. She said that there are books that can be used to help with this. She thought that once these things are taught, Kai’s curiosity would be satisfied for the next five years or so.

Now, I was raised in a home where my parents never talked to us about such things. But, I understand the value in teaching your child about the body and being able to have an open dialogue about sexuality. Still, that doesn’t mean that it will be easy.

My son just turned seven years old. What do we teach him now? How far do we go? What is more appropriate for later? Are there special issues in teaching a boy with autism that differ from teaching other children? I don’t even want to think about the stims he might have once he reaches puberty.

I knew all this would have to be addressed at some point. But, I suppose I had my head in the sand thinking that we wouldn’t have to worry about it for a few more years.

So, we need to prepare ourselves. While I try to calm down, can anyone suggest some resources that can help us?

Finding a New Man for Mom

Yesterday’s homework assignment was particularly difficult for my son. He had to read a short story, tell four things that happened in the story, and then predict two things that have yet to occur. Predicting outcomes is often difficult for kids with autism, and that is no different with Kai.

When you ask him what might happen next in a story, he will usually say he does not know. And he does not like to guess. If you encourage him to try guessing, he sometimes will tell you something that already happened. But, mostly he just hates to be asked.

He wasn’t supposed to have this assignment for homework. He was supposed to have completed it in school. But, as near as we can tell, he protested and refused to do it. When they ran out of time at school, they sent it home as homework.

And so it fell to me to get him to do this dreaded assignment.

Kai whined and complained. I tried to be patient and encouraging, knowing that this type of assignment is hard for him. But, I wanted him to at least try. If he tried, I would help him. But, as time went on and he continued to complain and made no effort to begin working on it, I lost my patience.

I raised my voice with him and threatened that he would not get dessert that night if he did not get started on the homework.

He got mad.

He told me that I was being mean. He said, “Sometimes you’re nice but sometimes you’re not.” Yep, kid, that is the lot of a parent. Sometimes we’re not nice.

Then, he followed that up with, “I want a new dad.”

He said, “I’m going to find Mom a new wife.” He meant a new husband, of course, but he got the words mixed up. He corrected himself. “I am going to find Mom a new man.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. I tried to picture my son going out and finding a man for my wife. My son, the matchmaker. I wondered what kind of man he would pick for her.

But, alas, that will not happen right now. When I refused to budge, Kai calmed down and finally started the homework. He struggled, but I helped him and we got it done. Afterward, we played and he was happy with me again.

And so, there will be no new man for my wife. She is stuck with me.

At least until the next time we have a tough homework assignment, anyway.

Gentlemen, Start Your Numbers!

My son is becoming a fan of NASCAR.

When we were watching the Super Bowl, Kai saw a promo for the Daytona 500 and asked what that was. I explained that it was a car race and he said that he wanted to see it.

I was a bit surprised, given that Kai has never been much of a “car guy.” Like most boys, he’s received many toy cars as birthday and Hanukkah and Christmas presents over the years. But, unlike most boys, he rarely plays with any of them.

I thought that he might forget about the race; I certainly did. However, this past Sunday, he reminded me that it was going to be on. So, as with the Super Bowl, we turned on the television in the family room, prepared some of Kai’s favorite party foods, and got Mom to join us.

His interest in watching the race had nothing to do with the racing action or the speed of the cars. He was not even interested in all of the crashes.

The reason he wanted to watch was all of the numbers. Of course.

43 cars! Each with their own number! Oh my!

Kai was pulling for 24 and 48, but was just as excited when 88 took the lead. He even went to get his toy race cars so he could simulate the action on the coffee table. I had to blow the dust off of them before they would get on the tortilla chips.

In addition to the numbers on the cars, his favorite part of the race was keeping track of the laps. There would be 200 laps to count. Woo hoo! At 50 laps, he declared that the race was one-fourth over. Nothing like calculating fractions to get my boy interested in cars.

The 200th lap was thrilling. He let out a loud whoop that number 21 had won, though I’m pretty sure he would have done that no matter who won.

He’s already asking when the next race will be. So, it looks like we’ll be watching a lot of NASCAR races on Sundays.

As a guy who likes sports, I’ll enjoy it. NASCAR isn’t quite up there with football, but it’s exciting nonetheless. But, the best part is, I get to have more father-and-son bonding time with Kai. Go 48!

Mapping Artistic Progress

My son likes to draw. But, he doesn’t like to draw the way other kids do. He rarely draws pictures with smiling faces. In fact, his drawings hardly ever have people in them at all. For that matter, he almost never draws pictures of any living creatures. No dogs or tigers or animals of any type. He doesn’t even draw flowers, trees, or plants.

Kai likes to draw maps.

He recently got a world atlas for his birthday. He loves to go through it and we read it together. There’s a lot of great information about countries that capture his attention. But his favorite activity is to look at the maps and then draw each of the continents himself, freehand, by the way, not tracing.

Kai has had this interest in maps for quite awhile. When his grandfather visited from Japan last summer, Kai had Jiji paint every continent for him on t-shirts. His grandfather is quite a talented artist so he was happy to do that for Kai. I, however, have no talent and patience to draw maps. So, Kai, after finally accepting that I was not going to draw them for him, began to draw them by himself. I think he’s gotten pretty good at it. Maybe he has some of his grandfather’s artistic skills.

Of course, with Kai’s love of numbers, he doesn’t just draw maps. He likes to draw numbers as it relates to countries. For instance, near the back of the atlas, there is a chart that gives the area of every country. He started writing each one out on its own sheet of paper. Did you know that the Bahamas is 5,382 square miles? I do now, thanks to Kai.

A lot of times, his maps and numbers are combined onto the same drawing. A few weeks ago, he was more focused on states than countries. He drew the outline of each state. For the state of Washington, he also drew in what appears to be the county lines as well. He then wrote in numbers for each county, the date Washington became a state, and how old it will be on its next “birthday.”

I know all this makes him quirky. But, have you known any great artist who wasn’t?

A Tearjerker Movie and My Son’s Difficulties with Social Skills

My wife and I watched the 1970s’ movie Ice Castles on dvd the other day. Ice Castles is the fictional story of a young figure skater who seems headed for the Olympics until tragedy strikes. Like many other women who have seen this film, my wife cried as she watched it.

* * * * *

All of us have brain cells called mirror neurons. These neurons were first found in a monkey about 20 years ago. Italian scientists, led by Dr. Giacomo Rizzolatti, accidentally discovered that that the same brain cells that fired when a monkey brought a peanut to its mouth also fired when the monkey watched humans or other monkeys bring peanuts to their mouths. That meant that seeing something has the same effect on these mirror neurons as actually doing the action.

The implication for humans is that mirror neurons are linked to things like empathy. In an article on the topic in the NY Times, Dr. Rizzolatti said that humans are able to understand “not just the actions of others, but their intentions, the social meaning of their behavior and emotions.” He went on to say that “mirror neurons allow us to grasp the minds of others not through conceptual reasoning but through direct stimulation. By feeling, not thinking.”

And so, when my wife cried while watching the movie, it was because her mirror neurons allowed her to have the same feelings as the character she was watching.

In addition to their role in empathy, mirror neurons are said to play a part in developing language and in our ability to imitate and learn from the actions of others.

I bring up all this because some researchers have found a link between mirror neuron deficiency and autism. The thinking is that these deficiencies lead to disabilities in social skills, imitation, and empathy among those with autism.

That would explain some things about my son. It would explain why he has trouble with understanding and responding to social cues. It would explain why he doesn’t seem to learn social skills just from being in the same classroom as typical kids. It would explain his difficulty in imitating others.

However, the research on mirror neurons is not conclusive, and a recent study challenges the connection to autism. So, for now, it is just something intriguing to think about.

While I’m pondering all this, I’m off to find a movie that will make my wife laugh instead. Any suggestions?


For those of you interested in reading more about mirror neurons, you may want to check out these articles:
The NY Times article, “Cells That Read Minds”
The transcripts from the PBS Nova show on mirror neurons
The New Scientist article on the study that challenges the link with autism

No Escape for Uncomfortable Feelings

My wife and son have a session with a child psychologist every Thursday. The primary purpose of these sessions is for my wife to play with Kai while receiving coaching on the DIR®/Floortime method of play therapy so that she can better engage with him and help foster social interactions.

Lately, every session has had the same pattern. Kai would pick a toy, play for a little while, but then, invariably, something would cause him to get upset. He might get frustrated that he can’t do something, or be told that he is making too much of a mess, or just run out of time. After awhile, he would try to hurt the therapist, my wife, or himself, and would need to be physically restrained while the therapist tried to peacefully get him calmed down.

As this continued week after week, my wife has grown frustrated. What good is all this? What progress is he making? When he gets upset and tries to hurt someone, why don’t we just yell at him? At least threatening him gets him to stop trying to hurt us; why do we need to do all of this therapy instead?

We met with the therapist the other day to address our concerns and gain a better understanding of the direction she was headed.

As she explained it, many kids with autism, like our son, have certain feelings that are uncomfortable for them and they just want to make these feelings stop. Kai’s tendency is to avoid feelings of disappointment and sadness. Before, when those feelings arose in a session, he would play with the numbers on the toy or real telephone in the room, or draw numbers on a sheet of paper. Withdrawing into his own world, particularly one filled with his beloved numbers, was a form of escape for him.

However, rather than letting him continue to escape from his uncomfortable feelings, his therapist has been trying to get him to actually feel the disappointment or sadness. Toward that, she moves the telephones and everything else with numbers out of the room before Kai gets there. Now, he has to face his feelings. But, because they are so uncomfortable for him, rather than feel sad, he will often go straight to anger instead. I think there is a fine line between anger and sadness. Anger is easy. Sadness is hard. And so, he seems to explode every week.

But, where is this going?

The thought is that as Kai gets more familiar with these feelings that he has been avoiding for so long, he will become desensitized toward them. Eventually, he will not go straight to anger. He will learn to tolerate sadness and disappointment.

To help build his tolerance, the therapist wants us to empathize with his feelings and express them in an appropriate way. So, for instance, we may say, “I know you wanted to finish that project. Oh, it’s so disappointing that we ran out of time.” He may not be able to express these feelings himself, but is comforted by knowing that we can relate and are expressing his feelings for him. Over time, he will be able to do more of this on his own. And, as he does so, he will stay in a regulated state rather than immediately getting angry.

She also explained that while yelling and threatening him may have a short-term effect of stopping his immediate bad behavior, it does not have the longer-term benefits of teaching him how to cope. Instead, what he learns is that loud voices and threats are used to get someone to do something you want them to do. And that is certainly not the lesson we want him to learn.

This method that we are trying works slowly. It takes patience. Sometimes it is hard to tell if we are making progress. But, a quick fix usually isn’t best for the long term. We’re looking to build a strong foundation for our son’s future. And so, we will stick with this.

Seeing Progress in a Giant Taco

With all of my son’s behavior issues in school lately, I’m trying to keep perspective that not everything is going to pieces.

This past weekend, with his grandparents in town, they took the whole family out for dinner on Sunday evening. Fourteen of us, including aunts, an uncle, and cousins met at Kai’s favorite Mexican restaurant.

On the way to the restaurant, we tried to prep him. This will be a little different than when we go by ourselves, we told him. Everyone will want to talk and we will be at the restaurant a long time. We will take our time and not rush to leave.

Still, we were nervous. It was only recently that we’ve started to feel more comfortable in going out to eat with him. But that’s just with going out by ourselves. Going to a restaurant with others was still uncommon, and we were not sure how long Kai would tolerate our socializing before he would want to leave.

It didn’t help that the service, which had always been good when we went there before, was incredibly slow on this night. As the wait for our meals extended over an hour, we all were getting restless. Kai’s cousins had their heads down on the table. The adults had concerned looks on their faces. I was feeling hungry and impatient.

And yet, through it all, Kai seemed remarkably unfazed. He asked when his taco would come, but not any more often than the other kids did, and certainly far less often than I was asking the same question in my head.

To pass the time, he started talking about a Giant Taco falling from the sky and landing on everyone. His cousins thought that was funny and added on to the story. With all the laughing, we were able to last until the food arrived without a major incident. On my part, I mean.

I don’t know why Kai is having so much trouble at school this month. But, I do know that despite those issues, he is showing amazing progress in so many other ways. If you don’t believe me, just ask the Giant Taco.

Bad Day, Birthday; Wednesday, New Day

Although we had the party over the weekend, yesterday was actually my son’s birthday. It was also his worst day of school.

With the big birthday party on Saturday, going to Red Kite on Sunday, and a cozy Valentine’s at home on Monday, we have been in a celebration mode for several days. Still, we wanted to note Kai’s actual birthday so we saved a few presents and some birthday cupcakes for a quiet little party last night.

Finding out that he had such a terrible day at school put a bit of a damper on the celebratory mood. Yesterday continues a very bad month with now seven major incidents in eight and a half days of school. The score on his point sheet yesterday was the lowest since he began going to school there just over a year ago.

If this had happened to Tiger Mom’s child, I wonder if she would have thrown out all of the birthday presents. With us, though, we spoke to Kai about how disappointed we were, and then went ahead with our plans.

He opened presents and then spent the rest of the afternoon building models from a new Lego set he received. Then, it was bath, dinner, and phone calls from grandparents. We sang “Happy Birthday” one more time. We wrapped up by playing Wii with his grandmother. Kai had a really nice time.

He didn’t quite forget about school, though. At bedtime, he talked about the bad day he had. We told him that no matter how bad of a day today was, he could make it a better one tomorrow.

As we talked, we noticed the Peanuts perpetual desk calendar that he just got. We had set it up next to his bed. The calendar features Snoopy using a typewriter while perched on top of his doghouse. The inscription on the bottom said it best.

“Happiness is a new day.”

Thanks, Snoopy.

Red Kite Roundup

As part of our son’s birthday weekend, we drove downtown to participate in a unique theatrical experience call Red Kite Roundup. Red Kite is a product of the Chicago Children’s Theater, and is an interactive, multi-sensory performance specifically for children with autism.

Kai, like many kids with autism, has a difficult time having to sit still while watching a play or show. But one of the great things about Red Kite is that the kids who attend each performance don’t just sit back and watch; they participate and are part of the experience.

We got to the theater about a half hour before show time, as suggested. There is a waiting area with hands-on exhibits. The performers come out and meet all the kids and play music and sing songs, so there is actually a lot of entertainment before the show even begins.

Still, Kai knew what time the show was officially supposed to start and kept asking all of the performers how much longer he had to wait. We tried to get him to relax and enjoy the music. The other kids seemed to be happy listening to the songs. Kai, on the other hand, grew increasingly impatient. I wondered if he would be the first kid to get kicked out of Red Kite as he became more insistent that the show begin soon. When it was finally time to enter the theater, a cast member wisely picked him to be the first one to go in.

The theme for the performance was camping and hiking. Kai settled down as soon as he entered this theatrical “outdoors.” He and the other kids explored the set, and were encouraged to move, laugh, talk, sing, and interact with the specially-trained actors. The actors often followed the kids lead. Early on, when Kai laid down in the middle of the set, I worried that he would disrupt the show. Instead, “Ranger Bob” encouraged all of the kids to lie down like Kai, breathe in the fresh air, and take in the sky. As the show went on, the amazing set allowed the children to experience the sound of the forest, pet fuzzy newborn chicks, feel the gentle spray as they rafted down a river, and sing songs next to a campfire. It truly was a multi-sensory experience with plenty to touch, see and hear.

There are not a lot of places where you can take your child with autism and have an experience like this, where we all feel so comfortable and accepted while taking in a unique adventure. We are grateful for having had this opportunity.

If you are in the Chicago area, check out Red Kite’s website for more information.

Best of the Best, Edition 3: School Issues

This month's Best of the Best’s topic is school issues for children with invisible special needs. The bloggers write about a multitude of school issues. Check out this interesting array of information here.

For those of you visiting from BoB, welcome! You may also be interested in earlier posts about my son’s therapeutic school:

My Son, the Snack Shop Employee
The Incredible 5-Point Scale
Countdown to Level 2

Happy Birthday! Phew!

It had been three years since our last, and only, attempt to throw our son a birthday party with anyone other than family and close friends invited. That time, he was overwhelmed by the whole thing. But he seemed more ready now, so, with Kai turning seven, we decided to give it another go.

My wife had everything planned and ready to go; gluten-free, casein-free cupcakes; a slushy drink; invitations to all of his classmates plus a few other kids; and, an animal show that would provide the primary entertainment. We were hopeful that Kai would enjoy this party, but a bit nervous as well. It didn’t help our anxiety that he had another major incident at school late in the week, his sixth in only six and a half days of school this month.

On Saturday afternoon, when his piano lesson ended, there was an hour to go before the party would begin. Our time-conscious son was beginning the countdown. We were expecting a pretty big crowd – 14 kids and about a dozen critters.

Kai’s grandparents arrived first so that we could enjoy some time with them before the crush of the party started. And then, the folks with all the animals arrived. Kai greeted them at the door and started quizzing them with questions even before they could unload their van. Laurie and Dave patiently answered his questions, and we soon found out how great they were with all the kids.

We waited a few minutes for the last kids to arrive, and then the show got started. I wasn’t sure what to expect from these kids – the vast majority had some type of special needs. But, they were hooked from the moment that they saw the first creatures, a couple of snakes. It was fun to see all them all smiling and laughing as each subsequent animal was brought out. This was not a shy group; almost every child was very eager to get close and touch the critters. They wanted to hold the snake, have the lizards placed on them, and pet the hedge hog. They loved the hard-shelled tortoises as much as the soft and cuddly rabbit and guinea pig.

Laurie and Dave did a great job in giving every child a chance to get close and touch each animal. They noticed when one boy was not able to get through the fray of the other children and made sure that he got to pet each animal, too.

Toward the end, a colorful toucan came out. But, it was another bird that provided the big finale. A large white Cockatoo, Casper, made its presence known as soon as he was brought out. A couple of kids covered their ears while the rest laughed hysterically as Casper loudly squawked and danced to music. The more the kids reacted to him, the louder Casper got. It was a rousing finish to a great show.

After the animal show, the rest of the party was anticlimactic. Of course, we sang “Happy Birthday” to Kai, and then it was time for cupcakes and other snacks. We concluded the party with a piñata, and we would have done without it if we had to do it all over again. After the piñata was opened, some kids ended up with more candy than others and one child got particularly upset at the outcome.

But, all in all, the party was as good as we possibly could have hoped for. All of the kids had a great time and we heard back from parents who told us how much their child kept talking about the party.

As for our son, of course we are thrilled that Kai had a wonderful time. But, it is also satisfying just to know that he was able to deal with all the commotion and excitement without getting overwhelmed. It was, indeed, a very happy birthday.

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For those in the Chicago area, we enthusiastically recommend Lil Critters. Their animal show is unique and very fun entertainment for a birthday party or other special event. Laurie and Dave did a fantastic job at including each child, and making them all feel comfortable and happy.