“That’s Impossible!”

We use a Point Store as extra incentive for our son. Kai earns points for specified good behavior, which he can then exchange for items ‘on sale’ in the store.

We occasionally vary the achievements for which he can earn points, but currently the primary ways are through his behavior in school as measured by his school’s daily point sheet, and for going through the night without knocking on our bedroom door.

Sleeping has always been an issue for Kai. We still haven’t figured out how to get him to consistently sleep through the night, but we are trying to get him to be more independent when he wakes up. If he can keep from knocking on Mom and Dad’s bedroom door, he can earn 200 points.

We did start using a white noise machine after we got back from our Spring Break vacation. And along with the ear plugs, Kai does seem to be sleeping better. It’s not perfect, but the ‘sleep machine’ as we call it, seems to have a positive psychological effect on him, in addition to blocking out extraneous sounds.

This past week, though, we had some major storms in our area. And so Kai was more anxious than usual. The sleep machine blocked out most of the noise, but Kai still heard the thunder. He had a lot of difficulty sleeping and woke us up two nights in a row.

He had had his eye on a particular prize in our Point Store, and was hoping to earn enough points for it by the end of the week. But on Friday morning, he realized that because he woke us those two nights, he would fall ten points short, even if he scored in the 90s at school that day (which is very good for him).

He was not happy.

He begged Mom for a chance to earn an extra ten points. My wife agreed to think of something he could do.

I stepped in and said that we shouldn’t give him the extra points. My wife said that it wouldn’t be “giving” it to him; he would have to earn it. But I argued that creating a new goal just because he had fallen short on the original ones would be almost the same as giving it to him.

My son was not happy with that decision.

He said he really can’t sleep when it’s stormy.

We explained to him that he doesn’t he has to wake us up when he can’t sleep.

And besides, it’s not even about just that. He had other opportunities to earn points up until then. For instance, he could have a better day at school just a couple days earlier when a mediocre day cost him 100 points.

I told him that he could earn more points the next night if he did not knock on our door. He said that he would not be able to do it if it stormed.

In that case, he would have to wait until Monday to earn more points through his behavior at school.

He did not like the thought of waiting a whole three more days.

There actually was one other way he could earn the points that very day. I hadn’t mentioned it because I thought the chance of it occurring was very slim.

I told Kai that he would have more than enough points for his prize if he attained 100% on his school’s point sheet that day as we give a bonus for such a rare accomplishment.

“That’s impossible!” he declared.

In my heart, I thought that was probably true. But I couldn’t let him know that.

I told him that if he tried very hard, he could earn his 100%. Kai did not believe it.

“Dad, I am really mad at you!”

I then had to leave for work, leaving my wife to deal with a very upset boy.

I had quite a busy day at work, but I often thought of my wife and son and worried how the day was going for them. It is fine in theory for me to set a tough standard, but during the week, my wife is the one who is with Kai more often and has to deal with the consequences.

When I got home, I wondered what sort of mood everyone would be in.

My wife called out to Kai.

“Dad’s home. Come show him your point sheet.”

Huh?!?

Kai didn’t come over. I walked over to the family room where he was engrossed in a new toy.

What’s this?

Kai started chattering what the toy was.

My wife called from the kitchen and again asked Kai to how me his point sheet.

He finally brought me over to the kitchen and showed me his point sheet.

“I got 100% today.”

And so he did.



Sometimes the impossible happens.

Motivated by Trashies

7AM yesterday morning, a Sunday morning mind you, my son was up and knocking on our bedroom door.

I was still tired from my business trip and was hoping to sleep in a little longer, but I guess I should have been thankful that Kai waited even until 7:00 to wake us up. I went out into the hallway to see what was up.

“Dad, we have to go running right now!”

It was about nine months ago that Kai was motivated to run by the incentive of collecting cute/gross little rubbery creatures known as Ickee Stickeez. Alas, there were only 24 of those and when Kai had collected them all, his motivation to run ended.

This weekend, Kai discovered another set of cute/gross little rubbery creatures. These are called the Trash Pack, and unlike with Ickee Stickeez, the folks behind these Trashies know how to market to kids, having developed accessories and games to go with the little guys.

When Kai develops a hankering for something, he wants to collect them all. And with already several dozen Trashies on the market, this should keep him motivated for quite a long time.

So on Sunday morning, Kai was ready to go running. He had heard that a storm was forecasted so he wanted to get out early.

“Come on, Dad. We have to go before the storm comes.”

We got dressed and went out. As he is older and has grown since last year, I extended the route a little bit.

Kai groaned and complained that he was tired and could not make it. I was frustrated, but kept encouraging him. And while I was tempted to withhold his prize, I gave it to him but told him he would have to show improvement in his next run.

A few hours later, he wanted to go running again. He wanted to earn another Trashie.

One run a day is enough, I told him. But he was persistent.

“What if I exercise? I’ll do 50 sit-ups and 20 pushups and 25 jumping jacks.”

Hmm, I had been wanting to get him to exercise more.

50 jumping jacks, not 25. And you have to do everything nicely for it to count.

We started with the jumping jacks. His coordination is not good. And he doesn’t stretch out his arms very far.

We stopped him several times as my wife and I tried to explain what he needed to do. Finally, he did them a little better.

Next it was sit-ups.

He could barely get off the ground from a flat surface. My wife told him to lean back against his big blue pillow. Then he was able to do 50.

Finally, pushups.

This was the hardest of all. There was no way he could do ten, let alone 20.

My wife tried to show Kai how to do it with his knees on the floor. But somehow he could not do it. He moved his head up and down but not his body. His hands were in the wrong position. He didn’t extend his body as far as he should.

It was frustrating that he didn’t seem to listen to us. And the more we told him, the more frustrated and angry he became.

We decided to find a different exercise to replace the pushups.

I found a couple of low-weight dumbells (two and a half pounds each). I showed him how to lift them by extending his arms from his shoulders to straight up overhead. He did ten of those.

And then he did ten curls.

It was a minor ordeal, but he had earned his second Trashie of the day.

A couple hours later, he wanted to do more exercises.

I could see where this was going. No, we are not going to work out several times a day, I told him.

He was mad. This is a boy who still does not tolerate waiting very well, and the thought of waiting another day to earn another Trashie was tough.

“That’s too long! It will take forever for me to earn them!”

Eventually, he calmed down and we enjoyed the rest of our Sunday.

And this morning, as I was getting ready to go to work at 6:45, I heard the thumping of a boy doing jumping jacks.

Working Through Disappointment

When we first watched the original Star Wars movie nearly a year ago, my son was only mildly entertained. And so, we did not get any more Star Wars films for our weekly movie nights.

Recently, though, Kai’s interest in Star Wars has picked up. The reason: Angry Birds Star Wars.

At school, the kids are allowed to play on iPads during breaks and at lunchtime. Angry Birds has been one of their most popular free-time activities for some time now. And a couple months ago, we found out from Kai that there is a Star Wars version.

It wasn’t long before Kai was talking about Wookiees and R2D2 and Obiwan.

He became all things Star Wars. He even found a Lego parody of Star Wars.

It wasn’t long before he was talking about Jabba the Hut and Ewoks. I was surprised as they weren’t in the first movie that we had watched. But they apparently are in either the Angry Birds version or some Lego film.

With Kai’s newfound passion for Star Wars, we got the next two films in the series for our recent movie nights: The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi.

This time, Kai was highly entertained. He loved both films and wanted to watch many parts over and over. It was funny that my wife, who did not particularly like the first film, also enjoyed the subsequent ones. And, perhaps influenced by Kai’s enthusiasm, I loved them much more than I did when I first saw them years ago.

Of course, Kai’s love of Star Wars meant that he wanted to collect Star Wars toys – specifically, the Angry Birds Star Wars collection.

He told us about an Angry Birds Star Wars Mystery Bag. For $3, you can buy a foil bag that has two mini figures. We decided that it was a great incentive for our Point Store.

Regular readers may recall that we copied our son’s school in opening a Point Store that offers Kai an opportunity to exchange points he earned for specified good behavior for preferred items.

With a powerful incentive like Angry Birds Star Wars, Kai was highly motivated and earned points quickly. A couple weeks ago, he earned his first mini figures and was very happy.

He set about to earn his next Mystery Bag, and earlier this week, he had accumulated enough points for his second one.

He opened it up, and….

was tremendously disappointed when he found that the two mini figures were the exact same ones as were in the first bag.

I can certainly understand the disappointment. But when Kai is disappointed, he becomes a very angry bird.

He demanded that Mom take back the Mystery Bag and replace it with a different one. My wife explained that you cannot take back something that has been opened. She looked at me with a questioning look.

It would have been easy for us to take back his mini figures and replace them with a different reward.

But I didn’t want to take the easy way out. I wanted him to learn about disappointment.

My wife and I explained that you never know what will be in these bags, and sometimes you may get duplicates. We encouraged him to keep working hard to earn another reward and the next one may contain different figures.

This did not satisfy him at all.

I told him about how I used to collect baseball cards as a child, and many times I would get a duplicate card. I understood how disappointing that is. But I often was able to trade my duplicates with friends to get new cards. Perhaps he could work out a trade with one of his classmates at school.

That finally seemed to relieve some of the disappointment.

But then Kai started talking about how Josh better trade with him.

Oh, boy! Did I just open a huge can of worms and set up a problem for the school staff?

I emailed Kai’s teacher and explained the situation. I apologized if I might have caused a problem, but was wondering if she could help facilitate a trade.

She wrote back quickly that evening. She explained that the school doesn’t permit trading between students as they’ve learned that it often leads to problems when kids change their minds later. However, she would be happy to offer Kai a trade herself, perhaps with Pokémon cards.

And so, yesterday, Kai went to school with his extra mini figures. And he returned with five Pokémon cards.

He was happy and I was relieved.

We hadn’t given in on appeasing his disappointment. Kai learned the concept of trading, and that there can be value in items that he has, even if they are duplicates.

And we were reminded about how awesome Kai’s teacher is in helping him work through his disappointment as a learning experience.

A New Plan

I thought I had a great plan.

My son was disappointed that he had a major incident at school, and because of that he would not achieve the next Level anytime soon. Along with that, he lost his chance to his chance to go to our local area Legoland.

Kai’s teacher suggested that we make it a bit easier for him to earn the incentive, and we agreed that perhaps holding him to the standard of a Level change was a bit ambitious at this point. We all agreed that a safe month was more realistic, while still being very challenging for Kai.

In exchange for lessening this standard, Kai would have to write a note of apology to the teacher he bit and show sincere remorse.

Kai agreed to the new plan and I left for work on the morning of November 1 hopeful that he would have a good month at school.

We did not have time to have Kai write the apology note that morning, but he would do it immediately after he got home from school that afternoon.

After work, I received a phone call from my wife. Kai had had another major incident.

I was disheartened. It was only the first day of the new month. It was the first day of the new plan. And already the chance to earn his incentive was lost. Now what?

I was worried that this was the start of another bad period, where he would have major incidents every day.

In this latest incident, he again tried to hurt the same teacher he bit two days earlier. My wife had him write a note of apology, which we brought to school that evening.

Coincidentally, it was the day of our parent-teacher conference. We had been able to secure the last time slot of the day so that I would have time to get there after work.

We met privately with Kai’s classroom teacher and social worker while another staff member watched Kai. His teacher was very positive and encouraging. She showed us charts that showed how far above average Kai performed in math, and his charted progress for reading and writing as well. We discussed his academic work, which was generally very good. And we talked about his behavior.

His social worker noted that Kai’s behavior since he began third grade has been far superior to his past performance. And his latest incident, they said, was relatively minor.

(Note of clarification: the recent incidents were not with his main classroom teacher, but with another staff member who teaches him math and is also an aide in the classroom. He was not there that evening, but we gave Kai’s apology note to the main teacher to pass along).

His teacher had another suggestion for motivating him with a reward. She suggested that they could create a visual reminder that they would keep at his desk. At the end of every safe day at school, they would make a visual mark. After 25 consecutive safe days, he would have earned his trip to Legoland. A major incident would restart the clock.

We thought it was a good idea. A visual reminder that staff can point out might help to keep him calm before things escalate.

After conferencing we all told Kai about the new plan. He was not keen about it. He thought 25 days was too long. He did not feel confident that he could stay safe for that long.

But his teacher encouraged him. She told him that she thought he could do it. She told him that she would help him to stay safe.

Slowly Kai agreed. He said he would try.

Friday was his first day under the new plan. I am happy to say that he stayed safe, and had a really good day at school overall.

24 days to go.

Subdued Halloween

Despite his declaration the evening before, my son went to school yesterday. And, he went trick-or-treating. But he did not seem to enjoy either.

Kai was still subdued from his major incident the day before that resulted in a delay of an achievement at school, and a subsequent trip to Legoland with Mom and Dad.

I had to leave for work before Kai woke up, but my wife reported that he was in a funk from the time he woke up and throughout the day.

She and my dad went to school in the morning to see the school parade. Most of the kids were having great fun, but I could see from the pictures she took that Kai was not. There was not a smile to be seen on his face on any photo.

Even being dismissed from school after just a half day, and a trip to his favorite hamburger restaurant for lunch did not brighten his mood.

He went for a short round of trick-or-treats with Mom and Ojiichan, but it seemed more obligatory than fun. He came home and spent much of the afternoon on the computer.

Still, my wife said he wanted to go trick-or-treating with me, and I left work just a bit early to get home in time for a trip around the block with Kai.

He didn’t have the extra bounce in his step that I’ve seen on past Halloweens, but he finally seemed to be enjoying it. I reminded him to say “trick-or-treat” and “thank you” and I was happy that he said it with enough enthusiasm for me to hear from my perch down the driveways.

I got Kai to talk a little bit about the parade and lunch while we walked. And by the end of our short walk, he seemed to be in a lighter mood.

Between the parade in the morning and the tricks-or-treat with all of us, he had collected enough candy to fill a large bowl. And I finally saw a smile.

With Kai’s GFCF diet, I will be the one to eat most of that candy. The sacrifices a dad has to make… ;)

* * * * *
Yesterday, we received an email from Kai’s social worker at school suggesting that we ease the criteria for Kai earning his prized trip to Legoland. Instead of achieving Level 4, which may be beyond his ability right now, she thought that attaining a safe month might be more realistic.

I agreed. Rewards are a positive thing only when they are attainable. When they are not, they set the child up for disappointment and failure.

But I wanted to find a way to relax the standard without feeling like we are sending the message to Kai that we lower the bar every time he fails to clear it.

And then my blog friend Shiroi Tora gave me an idea.

He suggested that Kai create an apology card for the teacher he bit the other day. As he put it, “a heartfelt card of apology would go a long ways toward Kai’s growth.”

I conferred with my wife and we agreed; if Kai would create an apology card for his teacher, he would have shown that he learned a lesson from this, and we would give him another chance to earn a trip to Legoland, this time with a slightly easier standard.

This new criteria will still be very difficult for Kai. He has had only one safe month in his whole time at this school.

But this morning, when we told him this, he seemed a bit more encouraged.

Hopefully he can carry forward and make it a good month.

Dealing with Disappointment

I first got word via an email from Kai’s social worker at school. Then, I spoke with my wife on the phone as I was walking to catch my train after work.

Kai had had a bad day at school, and was very disappointed.

Regular readers may recall that my son’s therapeutic school uses a level system. Students are at Level 1 when they first enter the school, and progress by exhibiting good behavior. Attaining each subsequent level is harder than the previous one. When a student reaches Level 5, they may begin the process to transition back to their home school if their parents so choose.

Some students progress relatively quickly. A few of the kids who came to the school after Kai have already returned to or are starting to transition back to their home school. Kai’s progress has been slower.

It took him more than nine months to make it to Level 2, and then another 18 months to get to Level 3 where he is now. We have had a number of rocky moments since then. This summer it looked like Kai would top out at Level 3, as he had incidents nearly every day.

But this school year has gone remarkably well so far. In September, he had only one incident.

In early October, Kai’s social worker told him that if he did not have a major incident for the rest of the month, he would reach Level 4 on Halloween. Kai had one incident a couple of weeks ago that pushed that date a few weeks out. But he was still on track to make Level 4 relatively soon.

We told him that when he made Level 4, we would have a big celebration. He has been wanting to go to Legoland for a while now, and chose that as his reward for the major achievement.

It felt good that he was so confident that he could do it, as he was counting the days until we would go to Legoland.

And then yesterday happened.

His teacher had been giving out Pokémon cards to the students as a positive reinforcement. Yesterday, one student earned the privilege of opening up a new pack of cards. Kai got very upset that he was not the one to do so.

He disrupted the class and had to take a timeout. When his classmates walked past him to go to lunch, Kai tried to go after the boy who opened the pack of cards. The classroom staff intervened. And when they were escorting him out of the classroom, Kai bit one of the teachers.

In that moment, he had lost his chance at attaining Level 4 for several more weeks.

Of course I was not happy to hear that my son had bit one of this teachers. I feel bad for the teachers who work so hard and are so patient with all of the kids, but who have to endure this as part of their jobs.

But my heart also went out to Kai a little bit.

For whatever reason, he did not control his emotions. He acted out his anger. It was a very poor choice on his part, but I’ve come to realize that self-control is a lot more difficult for him than it is for most kids.

He had been doing so well in school. He had improved his behavior so much. He was motivated to earn his reward. And now he was very discouraged.

My wife told me on the phone that he was very down. He cried a lot and then wanted to just stay in bed all afternoon.

When I got home from work, he was dawdling in the bathtub. When he finally came out, he ran to his bedroom and buried himself in his bedspread. He did not want to come down for dinner.

I talked to him about the poor choice he made, but tried to be more encouraging than disparaging. He said that he did not want to go to school tomorrow. He did not want to go trick or treating.

I told him that tomorrow is a new day, and that the bad day today doesn’t mean he has to have a bad one tomorrow. But he has to make that choice.

Eventually he came down for dinner, more because of Mom’s sukiyaki than because of anything I said.

And later, at bedtime, my wife and I both tried to encourage Kai to continue to do as well as he has most of the past few months.

It will be a challenge to keep his spirits up. While positive reinforcement is very motivating to Kai, when a reward seems out of reach to him, he often gives up. I don’t want him to give up now.

Today there will be a Halloween parade at school and then the students will be dismissed after only a half day. My wife is taking Kai and my dad to a favorite hamburger restaurant for lunch. And then it will be time for tricks-or-treat.

I hope to get home from work in time for a second round of tricks-or-treat. Hopefully I will see a happy kid when I get home from work today.

A Better Week

Now that’s how it’s supposed to be.

I got over my illness and was able to go to work every day this week. I started to settle into my new job, and all of us are settling into the new routine.

The best thing, and perhaps the biggest surprise, is that Kai has been doing amazingly well. He has adjusted to everything without a hitch.

We thought the changes at home would be tough for him to get used to, especially as he is also beginning a new school year with some changes in his classroom staff and schedule. But he has had a great disposition every day, rarely getting frustrated. And that has translated to school as well. He is off to a great start this school year, and it is especially wonderful that he has been safe every day. We haven’t had to throw out a shirt yet. ☺

The other night was Family Night at school. We got to see Kai’s third grade classroom, and meet the staff. Here, he is showing the robot the kids made from recycled materials they brought to school.

Kai’s school has a Point Store where students can 'spend' the points they earn for good behavior on small toys or treats. Kai suggested that we open a Point Store at home, too.

We thought that was a good idea, so we opened our store in conjunction with the start of the school year. Kai and I jointly determined how he could earn points, and the ‘prices’ of the items for sale.

We decided that he can earn points for having a safe day at school, earning a specified score on his school Point Sheet, and for not knocking on our bedroom door in the middle of the night.

I don’t know if the Point Store contributed to his good few weeks of school, but I do know that the incentive to earn points strongly motivated him to not wake us up at night. I think we may have finally broken his habit of having to have me sleep in the extra bed in his room.

With his good performance, Kai quickly earned enough points to ‘buy’ his first reward, a Basher book on Rocks and Minerals.

Who knew that rocks and minerals would lead to a good night’s sleep?

A happy boy, a rested dad, and a good week all around; gotta love it!

School Recognition Ceremony

Yesterday was the annual recognition ceremony at our son’s school. We look forward to it, as the school does a great job of celebrating the achievements of all the students.

My wife and I arrived early to attend the silent auction fundraiser. While we were browsing the items up for auction, a student approached me.

“Are you Kai’s father?”

I told him that I was.

“I thought so. You look smart just like him.”

Ha! How funny that I can bask in the reflection of my son’s intelligence.

I asked the boy if he was in Kai’s math class, and he said that he was. He went on to tell me in more detail about how well Kai does in his class, and that perhaps he will become a math professor one day. This is now the second boy in Kai’s math class who approached us to tell us how smart they thought Kai is.

During the ceremony, we saw the boy who previously spoke to my wife about Kai. I was very happy when Anthony received recognition from his teacher for being supportive of Kai. I saw Anthony afterward, and thanked him for being such a wonderful big brother to Kai at school.

The ceremony kicked off with the students performing True Colors, the old Cyndi Lauper song. They performed it in sign language as well as singing it.

Kai’s class was the first to be honored. Kai happily bounded up to the front when his teacher called his name.

He received many awards, perhaps more than most other students. Afterwards, other parents commented to us on how many things Kai was recognized for. We had to explain that he was so honored because he has many areas of deficiencies to work on.

He was recognized for working at the school’s Snack Shop, which the school’s speech therapist created so kids with social and language difficulties can get real-life practice speaking with others.

He also received an award for helping to set up the school’s computer lab each morning. That job came about when the staff brainstormed ways to help Kai get off to a better start each morning. They figured that taking boxes of paper to the lab would settle his sensory needs before he had to sit still in the classroom.

But the recognition I was most pleased with is the Superflex award. Kai has long struggled with being flexible and accepting changes. He is making some progress in this most challenging area, and this award is an indication of that.



I was also happy that Kai sat nicely throughout the entire event. There were a lot of awards handed out, and he appeared to handle the waiting well.

It is hard to believe that another school year has come to an end. I’m sure all parents feel this way, but it seems like the school year goes by faster every year.

When we saw the fifth graders who will be moving on to middle school, they definitely looked more mature. It is kind of hard to believe that Kai is now about halfway through elementary school and it will be only three more years before he is one of the older kids who will be moving on.

Though he does look somewhat mature in his tie, don’t you think?



Congratulations, Kai! You are growing up fast.

Completing Another Incentive

When Kai was motivated last month to earn The Scrambled States of America Talent Show book, we knew that we had to set up another incentive program for him using the dvd of the book as the prize.

Similar to the last program, he could earn one state each day he was safe at school, or for doing certain non-preferred activities. Each time he earned a state, he could color it in on his map. And, when he had all 50 states colored in, he would receive the dvd.

This time, we gave him an additional way to earn a state – for not knocking on our bedroom door in the middle of the night. I thought it was about time for us to try to break him of that habit.

Alas, the incentive of coloring in an additional state was not enough. Night after night, I heard the knock, knock at our door, and I continued to tuck him back in bed, and then slept in the extra bed in his room.

Until this weekend.

On Friday night at bedtime, with only a few states left before he could finally get his new dvd, he decided that he would not wake me up for the next two nights so that he could watch the dvd over the weekend.

He followed through on his intentions and I got two nights of uninterrupted sleep.

When we woke up on Sunday morning, Kai was able to color in the last state on the map.

He was really excited to watch the dvd. We had a special breakfast edition of our traditional Video Nights, as we had donuts, fruits, and green smoothies while watching the video.

For fans of the book, you will be happy to know that the video does a great job of bringing all of the fun little aspects of the book to life. We all enjoyed it, and Kai wanted to watch it over and over again.

Now that we had a little success with him not waking me up in the middle of the night, we are looking to continue to motivate him in the hopes of breaking that habit once and for all.

Hopefully I will be well rested and have good news to report in another week and a half.

Celebration Weekend

We often use positive reinforcement to encourage Kai to continue to perform well in areas that are a challenge for him. So, of course, we wanted to give him a big reward for achieving Level 3 at school last week.

This weekend, we traveled to Wisconsin for an overnight visit to a waterpark.

Kai loved the idea of staying at a motel, but I don’t think he was particularly excited about going to the waterpark itself.

Before we went to the waterpark, we took a quick look around the town of Lake Geneva. Kai especially enjoyed the blue sorbet. Here he is showing how his tongue matches his hat and jacket.

Then, we went to the waterpark. We were deflated when Kai was too scared to go on any slides. He has become a pretty good swimmer and does well in the pool when he is under the supervision of his swim instructor. But he seems to lose all of his confidence, and abilities, when he is in the water with us.

I finally coaxed him to go down a very small slide, one for much younger kids. And even on that one, he kept grabbing the sides to keep from going fast, or, at least as fast as you can go on a baby slide.

He then asked for a life jacket. At first, I refused, as he certainly knows how to swim well enough that he shouldn’t need one in such shallow water where he can touch the bottom of the pool.

But I finally relented when I decided that I’d rather he wore it and had fun than be anxious the whole time.

And after that, he seemed more comfortable on the baby slide.

At this waterpark, the next slide up from the baby slide is a very high, long, winding slide that you ride down while sitting in an inner tube. I first figured that there was no way we were going to get Kai to try that.

But my wife and I wanted to try it so we rode down together while Kai watched. It was really fun, and I thought that Kai might actually like it if we could only get him to try it.

And so, I decided to try to coax him to go down one time.

I conferred with my wife, and then we made an offer. Kai would get one of his beloved Icky Stikeez if he went down the big long slide just once.

He was scared. But he wanted the prize. And when we reassured him that he would be safe, he finally agreed to try.

It was a long walk up to the top of the slide.

When we reached the starting point, Kai slowly sat in front of the two-person inner tube. He was apprehensive. He clutched the handles. And then we were off.

He screamed, but it sounded like it was as much because of joy than of fright.

And when we got to the bottom, he was laughing, and gleefully said that he wanted to do it again.

And we climbed back up to the top and did it again. And then he wanted to ride again, and again, and again, each time alternating between riding with me and riding with Mom.

At some point, he took off his life jacket, saying that he did not need it anymore.

My wife and I were exhausted from climbing the stairs over and over. But it was a good kind of exhaustion. Too often we are exhausted from trying to get Kai to do something with us on a vacation. This time, we were exhausted because he was doing it, and having such fun.

That night, we had dinner in our room while watching a dvd. It was a great time.

And then, the next morning, we went back to the waterpark again. And had just as much fun.

On our last run before we had to leave, Kai asked if he could go down in a tube by himself. We said sure, as we smiled at how his attitude toward waterslides had shifted from when we first got there the day before.

We were on this mini vacation because Kai had overcome some major hurdles at school. Now, on this trip, he overcame his fear and had a great time.

His accomplishment at school, followed up by the great time we had on this trip, was the best Mother’s Day present of all.

After his last run down the slide, Kai talked about how he wanted to come here again. He asked if we could come back when he made Level 4 at school. Of course, we said yes.

Level 4 will be another big challenge for him. But he is motivated. Let’s see what he can accomplish.

Latest Motivator: Ickee Stikeez

Inclement weather postponed our planned miniature golf outing but we had no shortage of activities this weekend.

For our weekly Video Night, we had taco pizza in honor of Cinco de Mayo:

We also played a chemistry game that Mom brought home from Japan:

The goal of the game is to take various element cards and make molecules out of them. It was fun that Kai memorized all of the elements last year, but knowing how they come together to make molecules will be much more useful to him in the future. From just a few times playing the game, it looks like he already knows several compounds including ammonia (NH₃), Hydrogen Cyanide (HCN), and Acetylene (C₂H₂), among others.

* * * * *

Kai and I also went to the birthday party for one of his classmates. It was a pool party held at a park district pool.

I was one of the few parents who wore a swimsuit and got in the water.

Many of the parents dropped their child off. And of those who stayed, most wore street clothes, even the parents of other special needs kids.

I felt conspicuous.

My choice was because I was unsure that Kai would participate if I wasn’t there to prompt and help him. Of course, when he started off the event clinging to me, I wondered if my presence kept him from interacting with the other kids.

It wasn’t until I got him and the younger sister of the birthday boy engaged in a game of catch with a squishy football did he really have fun with another child. Bailey is younger than Kai, but can catch and throw much better than he can. But she was his perfect play partner as she interacted with him quite a bit. When the ball came to him, she would jump on him. And when she threw the ball backward to me, she and Kai would laugh and high-five each other. It was great to see them laugh and play together.

When it came time to eat, they sat next to each other. But, Kai got mad at me when I did not let him eat the pizza, as we have him on a gluten-free, dairy-free diet. Though he was happy when I made an exception and let him have a piece of the birthday cake.

* * * * *
 
When Kai’s grandmother visited us when my wife was in Japan, she gave Kai a present – funny looking, one inch-high, rubber-textured creatures with suction cups on the bottom called Ickee Stikeez. They are inexpensive (about $2.50 for a pack of three), but Kai was hooked as soon as Bubbe gave him his first ones.

It didn’t take him long to get on the Internet and research them. He found out that there are 24 characters in Series 1, and Series 2 has yet to be released. Bubbe gave him 12 of the characters, and he really wanted the rest of them.

This provided the perfect opportunity to exploit his desires motivate him.

We told him that he could earn one new Ickee Stikeez for every two times he ran a mile at the Rec Center. I never saw him so motivated to run.

This weekend, we ran on Friday afternoon, then he wanted to go right back on Saturday morning to run again so that he could earn his first new character.

On Sunday, we ran in the morning, and then he wanted to run again in the afternoon. I did not want to put my 8-year old through two-a-days so I told him that once was enough. He would have to wait until Tuesday to earn his next character as his after-school schedule on Monday would be too busy to have time to run. He did not like having to wait.

When we came back from the swim party, he insisted that he was not tired and wanted to go running again. I held firm, and he was not happy.

Mom came up with the idea to wake up earlier this morning and go running before he left for school. Kai loved the idea.

We did not want to take the time to drive over to the Rec Center. So, this morning, we all went for a run in our neighborhood.

Kai ran nicely. And he was very happy to have earned his second new Ickee.

I think he will want to run every morning this week.

Of course, with only ten more characters to earn, the morning runs won’t last for too much longer.

Kai wants to write the company and tell them to come out with Series 2. With his motivation running so strongly, I think that I may write to them, too.

Reward Earned: Scrambled States of America

Kai loves geography and has had an affinity for the United States for quite awhile now. From the time he was about four years old, he could already identify each state by its shape.

One of his favorite games over the past year or so has been The Scrambled States of America. It features the states as colorful characters. Players try to win each state by being the first to give correct answers to various questions.

The game is based on a children’s book of the same title. We got the book for Kai for Valentine’s Day and he loved it. The story is about the fifty states lamenting that they are tired of being in the same place all the time, and deciding to mix things up so they could each see a different part of the country. The story is told an drawn in a very fun, creative way.

We found out that there is a sequel to the book called The Scrambled States of America Talent Show. As Kai really wanted it, we decided to use it as incentive.

We printed out a map of the United States and told him that he could color in one state each time he had a safe day at school, practiced piano nicely without complaining, or ran 13 laps (just over one mile) at the Rec Center. When he had all 50 states colored in, he would earn the book.

We have had the program in place for about a month, and for a long time, he wasn’t as motivated as we hoped he would be. But in the past week, as he saw how close he was to earning his prized book, he finally got excited about the possibility. He even volunteered to go running with me, and then did so nicely with no whining at all. It was a remarkable change from my previous attempts to get him to run.

The other day, when he practiced piano nicely, he got to color in his last state.

He had done it. He had earned his reward.

And as you can see, he was a very happy kid.

Pickles and Ice Cream

The power of pickles lasted for more than two weeks.

We had told Kai that if he was safe at school all week, we would go to Fuddruckers, where he loves the choose-your-own fixins bar that lets him have as many pickles as he wants instead of the usual skimpy one or two that come with burgers at most places.

And so, for two weekends now, we had gone there to eat as Kai had his longest consecutive streak of safe days at school in months.

But that came to an end on Wednesday.

As is often the case, it was a change in schedule that led to an unsafe incident.

The school had an Ice Cream Social to raise money for a school in Thailand where a former staff member of Kai’s school is now teaching. The event was held at lunchtime, and students could buy ice cream and add on toppings. Parents were invited, though we could not make it this time.

But we heard what happened.

Kai first got upset when he had to wait his turn to get ice cream. Waiting is a long-standing problem. And though he calmed down after that, he later got even more upset.

Apparently, the event was a success. Students and parents were enjoying their ice cream and socializing so much that the staff decided to cancel Kai’s PE class so that the fun would continue.

And that change in schedule set him off even worse than before.

He did not like that there was no PE. What was fun for most of the kids was not fun for him. And when he got mad, as has happened before, he bit his shirt and tore it up.

The next day, his schedule returned to normal. He had PE class.

But he got upset again, this time when no one passed him the ball during a volleyball exercise.

He again came home without his shirt. Two shirts destroyed in two days.

So, we will not be going to Fuddruckers this weekend. The power of pickles goes only so far.

And instead of going out to eat this weekend, we will go shopping for cheap shirts.

Pickles: The Best Reward

We are always trying to find ways to motivate our son to do well in school. And lately it has been a challenge. He has either been uninterested in any possible reward, or perhaps just unable to control his behavior in school.

But this past week, we found something that he was motivated by: pickles.

Kai’s favorite restaurant right now is Fuddruckers. Fuddruckers is a fast-casual, hamburger restaurant. It is more expensive than McDonald’s, with grilled-to-order burgers and fresh-baked buns. But what sets it apart in my son’s eyes is the fresh produce bar.

The restaurant offers a wide selection of choose-your-own fixins to top your burger. These include fresh tomatoes, onions, and lettuce, as well as more unusual toppings such as cheese sauce, honey or spicy mustard, and even pico de gallo.

But Kai doesn’t care about any of that. He just loves the pickles.

At McDonald’s, he will pick off the two pickles on the McDouble burger and eat them first before he touches the beef or the fries.

And at Fuddruckers, he can have as many pickles as he wants (or at least as many as Mom and Dad let him have). And that makes it his favorite place to go right now.

A few weeks ago, we had told him that if he had a safe week at school, we would go to Fuddruckers. Alas, he has hardly been able to stay safe for one day, let alone for a whole week, so we have not gone to Fuddruckers in a while. My wife and I even stopped telling him about the possibility of going, as we didn’t think he could accomplish the goal.

But on Friday afternoon, he came home from school, announced that he had stayed safe all week, and wondered if we could go to Fuddruckers. It was a holiday-shortened week, and his overall performance at school was just so-so, but he did stay safe. And we wanted to reward that. So, we went to Fuddruckers that evening.

Because the burgers are made to order, there is always a wait for the food. It is not as long as the wait at sit-down restaurants, but it is longer than at McDonald’s. And that wait is still difficult for Kai.

To fill the time, we try to get him to use the iPad, but he never wants to. Instead, we walk around the restaurant and see the numerous sports memorabilia. We get our drinks. And hope that our buzzer goes off quickly.

When our order is finally called, Kai is a happy kid. He can’t wait to go up to get the food with me. And then we head over to the produce bar to load up on the pickles.

It was a nice way to kick off the weekend.

The key to happiness is pickles! Now you know. :)

* * * * *

Our snow from Friday morning did not last long. Warm temperatures yesterday melted much of what had fallen. But it was around long enough on Saturday to go sledding and have a snowball fight.

With the way our winter has gone, it might be the last snow of the season. So, we really enjoyed it.

Pennies for Peace

This week’s column in the Patch takes a look at how we used Kai’s interest in collecting pennies to stop him from snorting. Regular readers of the blog know that his interest in pennies has already waned and he is now on to Pokémon, but I can’t keep up with the rapid changes in Kai’s activities in the Patch. Anyway, click here for the article.

Apologies to those who checked here yesterday for a post. The column did not run yesterday as scheduled, perhaps because my article on the autism forum was still on the front page of the Patch. To get timely updates to know when I have posted a new entry, please “Like” Hanabi Boy on Facebook over on the right side here, or click to follow the blog (further down in the sidebar of this blog). Thanks!

More Pokémon

When last we left the topic of Pokémon, my son had expressed that he might want to switch to collecting Yu-Gi-Oh cards instead. But, since we had already gotten a bunch of Pokémon cards, I put my foot down that we were going to stick with them. And Kai turned out to be happy with that.

In fact, he was Pokémon crazy all weekend. He found the Pokémon website that gave an animated explanation of the rules of the card game, and we played a modified version of it many times.

The actual rules are quite involved, so we simplified it quite a bit. Over time, if he maintains his interest, I will try to introduce more of the complicated rules, that is, if I can learn them myself.

I have mixed feelings of Kai’s latest obsession. Pokémon is not as academically productive as learning the periodic table, or at least not as productive as how I think knowing the periodic table will be once he gets to that topic in school in six or seven years.

But, in terms of having the interests of a “normal” kid, Pokémon may be as close as Kai gets. And maybe having a common interest with other boys will help him to socialize with them.

Oh well, perhaps I shouldn’t worry about all that. Right now, maybe all that matters is that my son has found a new source of entertainment, and that he is having fun with it.

By the way, with the motivation to collect the cards, Kai’s snorting has all but completely stopped. And with that, I think we can stop using the Pokémon cards as incentive.

Instead, we will now use the cards to try to reign in an even more difficult behavior: Kai waking me up every night. Let’s see how powerful this Pokémon really is.

The Price of Peace and Quiet

I recently mentioned that Kai has been making loud, very annoying snorting sounds lately, the frequency and severity of which had increased when we put him on ADHD medication. It also seemed worse when he was feeling stress, leading me to doubt that it was purely a physical problem.

When we took him off the drug last week, the frequency of the snorting decreased, though it did not disappear entirely.

At its worst, his school contacted us, wondering if it was a physical problem, so we made an appointment to have him checked by an Ear/Nose/Throat (ENT) specialist.

We couldn’t get an appointment right away but we finally saw the ENT this past Friday. He said that there was no physical reason for Kai to be making the snorting sound. In his opinion, it was a voluntary act. He recommended that we see a behavioral specialist to work with him not to do that anymore.

That evening, Kai found a penny and added it to his piggy bank. He then took out all the coins from the piggy to see how many he had accumulated. Before long, he was trying to organize them, seeing what year each was from.

That gave my wife an idea. Kai could earn a penny every time he went ten minutes without snorting or loudly clearing his throat. (A soft clearing was acceptable). Kai was eager to begin.

At first, he forgot and snorted and then we would remind him of his opportunity to earn pennies. And by the end of the evening, he had added a few to his collection.

The next day, he snorted a few times early in the morning, but then went the whole rest of the day without doing so again. He was really motivated.

With Mom’s help, he created a timeline chart and taped all of his pennies to it, with the oldest penny to the left and the pennies dated 2011 to the right. He even allowed room on his chart to go all the way up to the year 2060. I laugh at the thought of him still collecting pennies over the next fifty years.

On Sunday, he again went most of the day without snorting. He had accumulated dozens of pennies over the weekend.

All these months, asking him to stop snorting had no effect. Yelling at him to stop snorting had minimal effect. But the chance to earn something that he desires has had a great effect.

Who says that a penny isn’t worth anything these days? For us, it bought us peace and quiet. Now that is a bargain.

Ugly Dolls – A Powerful Summer Incentive

My son has a week off before summer school begins.

It is always challenging to have Kai at home from school for long stretches as he doesn’t play like typical kids and always needs our attention. And if we are not vigilant with him, too much of his time can be spent on unproductive activities such as watching videos on tv or looking for YouTube videos on the computer.

So, my wife got him some math and reading workbooks, as well as computer programs that build analytical thinking skills, to help occupy his time in more productive ways.

We figured that it might be difficult to get him to do these voluntarily, so each day we set up a visual schedule to show him all of his activities. Somehow, having these things in writing elicits cooperation more easily than just telling him to do it.

In addition to the schedule, however, we set up an incentive program. Kai has a pretty good collection of Ugly Dolls and has been asking for more lately. The Ugly Dolls are one of the few typical things that Kai plays with. I’m not sure why he likes them so much. But I think the fact that there are so many different ones that he can collect add to his interest.

And so, my wife created an incentive board where Kai can check off each activity as he does them. When he completes the two math workbooks, he will get one Ugly Doll. When he completes the reading one, he will also get one. And, he will get one for finishing the two computer programs.

We figured that it would likely take him the bulk of the summer to finish all of these. Some of the workbooks, especially the one for reading, will get quite challenging for his level. But, if he works on it a little at a time, he will be able to get it done.

Well, what we didn’t figure was how motivated he would be to get the Ugly Dolls.

After school on Friday, minutes after his break started, he already went right to work on one of the math workbooks. He said that he wanted to finish it that day. We told him that would be impossible and that it may take weeks of work for him to get his Ugly Doll. But, he said he couldn’t wait weeks and wanted one that day.

He went through pages of the math until we had to force him to stop when he got tired and started making careless mistakes. And then he got mad at us for making him stop.

But, he was at it again the next day. By the end of the weekend, he was more than halfway through both math workbooks. I won’t be surprised now if he finishes them in the next few days.

He hasn’t shown as much interest in the reading and the computer programs, doing only the bare minimum of what we ask him to do. So it will be interesting to see how long it takes him to finish those.

But I’ve learned not to underestimate the power of Ugly Dolls. Just look at them. Wouldn’t you want more of Wedgehead and Ox?

Recognition Day

My son’s school celebrated the end of the school year yesterday with their annual recognition ceremony.

Kai was very excited about it from the day before and his teacher reported that he was trying to sneak peeks to see what awards everyone was getting.

With our heat wave over, Kai was able to wear his new suit that my wife got just for this occasion. Kai actually likes dressing up, and I think it helps keep him on his best behavior.

At the ceremony, Kai’s class was the first one up. One by one, the school director called up each student to the front while the teacher read off their most notable achievements. The student then receives a certificate, as well as one for accomplishments in PE, and several different ones for speech therapy depending on how much they had.

Kai’s certificate stated that he was awarded for “displaying an enthusiasm for learning and making impressive academic gains. His amazing accomplishments in class as well as his outstanding progress with safety have set a great example for all students.”

After his class was recognized, it was everyone else’s turn. Remarkably, he sat nicely through the whole program. In the past, these large assemblies have overwhelmed him, so it was great to see him handle this one so well.

When it was over, Kai came back to where we were sitting and proudly showed us his awards. He had six, more than anyone else, he said. He had kept track and counted how many everyone had received. We didn’t tell him that he had more than anyone else because he needed more speech therapy than the others.

The awards are a nice way to give positive reinforcement to the kids for all of their hard work, and to recognize them in front of their peers and family.

But for us, what was so great was to note the improvement our son had made in this, his first-grade year. Looking at him in his suit, he seems so grown up. But it is not just the way he looks. He acts differently, with more maturity.

It seems like it was only yesterday that he was in kindergarten. Now, he is on to second grade. Time flies.

Motivation or Coincidence?

Is it a coincidence that my son has put together three good weeks of school since we have been using element playing cards as incentive?

Yesterday, when Kai came home from school on this holiday-shortened week, we found out that he had again been honored as Student of the Week. That makes it twice in the past three weeks.

His good day yesterday earned him four more element cards – lead, tin, iron, and mercury. At this rate, we will run out of cards before the end of the school year.

Of course, I am thrilled that he is doing so well. But, the analytical side of me questions why the change compared with the previous two months when he seemed to have angry outbursts at school on a daily basis.

Is the motivation of earning the element cards really keeping his behavior in check? That would imply that even though so many of his outbursts seem impulsive, Kai actually could control his behavior if he really wanted to. I’d love for that to be the case, but I’m somewhat skeptical.

I am more inclined to believe that this period of good behavior has coincided with a time where there have been no unexpected changes at school to throw Kai off. Oftentimes, his school incidents occur when there is some divergence from the usual routine – a new TA, a special program, lining up in a different order. We haven’t heard of anything like that recently, so it may be that this has just been a less stressful time for him in that respect.

Perhaps there is another reason. Although we have made no changes recently, maybe his body is responding well to the biomedical treatments we are doing.

Whatever the case, I wish I could definitively identify the reason behind the positive change so that we would know what we are doing right, if anything.

But, in the absence of knowing for sure, we will keep our positive reinforcement program going for as long as it might be working. And so, if any of you are scientists, could you please discover a few more elements before we run out of cards? Thank you.