Dad and Son Weekend

My wife was sick this weekend so it was just me and Kai hanging out for the most part.

Saturdays are always a busy day with a bunch of Kai’s activities. This week was the last soccer game of the season. It is a sure sign that winter is about to arrive here in the Midwest when the last game ends as the sun is setting, the parents are shivering, and the trophies are handed out.

On Sunday morning, Kai and I went to a park where he rode his bicycle and played in the playground. This playground has some equipment beyond the usual slides and swings. Kai’s favorite was this thing that starts spinning as soon as you sit on it.

It always amazed me how much Kai can spin without, apparently, feeling dizzy. I tried to sit on one but after about three spins I had to get off. Kai kept going and going for several minutes, and even asked me to spin him faster. Though, when he finally got off, he, unusually, said that he was dizzy as he lied on the ground for a little while.

In the afternoon, he and I went for a bike ride together. It is so nice to see him continuing to want to ride. What a change from the past when he screamed if we even mentioned the thought.

Later, he even wanted to go riding again. But by then it was getting dark. After insisting for a while that he still wanted to ride, he finally relented to my idea of walking over to the park instead. I put a headband light on him and we were set.

There is something about going down the slide in the dark that makes it more exciting.

And there is something about alone time between father and son that builds special bonds.

Medication Is No Panacea

The decision to put our son on medication was one of the hardest we have faced since our son was diagnosed with autism more than five years ago.

We have pursued biomedical treatment for Kai through DAN! (Defeat Autism Now!) doctors. He’s had intensive therapy for years. And he has made a lot of progress.

But Kai still has a number of challenges.

He has trouble staying on task at school. He has difficulty following directions. And, although he has made dramatic improvements over the years, he still gets angry and upset far too often, and that leads to unsafe incidents.

His teachers and therapists have noted that he often seems anxious. They’ve said that he seems to have attention deficits.

Earlier this year, we had a psychologist conduct a formal neuropsychological examination. One of her recommendations was that we consider medication.

And so we did.

We were referred to a pediatric psychiatrist. He scoffed at the biomedical treatment we had been doing, and even used the word “quack” to describe it.

So you might think that we would have quicker and better results with the “regular” medication than with the “quack” approaches we had been doing.

And yet, we have found that when it comes to this area, medical practice is as much of an art as a science.

Over the past several months, the doctor has tried two different anti-anxiety meds and two different drugs for ADHD. He’s adjusted the dosage levels several times.

The initial effect of the drugs was to bring on a number of side effects.

One medicine made our son so lethargic that he lost his personality for a while. He even fell asleep at school a few times, which is very unusual for him.

One of his ADHD drugs brought on severe ticks. We found out that there are two types of ADHD meds, those that are stimulative and ones that are not. The stimulative ones can exacerbate ticks. So, we switched to a non-stimulative drug that seems to have added to our son’s lethargy.

We heard from other parents that these things take time. We were encouraged to persevere, that over time a good psychiatrist will find the right combination of drugs and dosage for our child. These other parents told us they were ready to quit the medication, but after many months, their child became better, and they were glad to have continued.

In our case, we considered it progress when the side effects went down. Our son isn’t as lethargic anymore. His ticks dissipated (though now are returning).

But it is hard to say how much benefit we are seeing.

Kai had a pretty good month at school in October. We were encouraged that perhaps we had finally found the right mix of drugs for him.

But in November, his behavior issues at school have returned to their previous high levels.

We will continue with the medication for a little longer. Hopefully we will see more positive results.

But there is no sure-fire treatment for our son’s issues. There is no panacea.


I did not mention the specific medication that our son has been on because our experience indicates that what works for one child may not work with another. And so, there is little point to divulging that information here.

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This post is part of this month’s S-O-S Best of the Best Series: Medications and Their Use with Special Needs Kids. Best of the Best is a collection of bloggers who come together on the 15th of each month to write on one topic pertaining to “invisible” special needs. Starting November 15, check out this month’s edition by clicking here.

Finding Brightness in a Disruptive Event

We had been gone from the house for less than half an hour. But when we returned, we discovered that someone had broken in.

In that moment, the joy of our first-ever family bike ride was temporarily forgotten.

I called 911. They told us to get out of the house.

The three of us went to the front yard and waited for the police. My wife and I explained to Kai what was going on.

He wasn’t afraid. He seemed a little excited, actually, but not overly so.

And when the first police officer arrived, he greeted her and asked her name.

We had to wait outside for quite awhile while the police went through our house. Neighbors came out to ask us what was happening.

Kai was remarkably patient. He didn’t whine or complain. He didn’t need a lot of attention as my wife and I spoke with the police and chatted with the neighbors.

After sitting outside for more than half an hour, he said he was cold so he and my wife went to a neighbor’s house. And there, he waited patiently some more, even without toys to keep him occupied.

When we were finally allowed back into our house, we had to avoid certain rooms so that the police could do their investigation. Kai played nicely in the limited space, often by himself while my wife and I spoke more with the officers.

And later, when he saw an officer dusting for fingerprints, he was curious and wanted to know what she was doing. He was captivated as she kindly explained and then demonstrated with Kai’s own fingers.

As the officer was leaving, he talked to her some more, asking her if she now knew who broke in.

In the face of such a disruptive event, our son, who usually does not like any change from the regular schedule, was engaged, calm, and happy.

And that is more than we could say for ourselves.

My wife and I did not sleep well that night. But, unusually, Kai did.

We are grateful that we are all safe, and that Kai seems unfazed.

Events like these help to put things in perspective.

And so, we will cherish all that is good in our life just a little bit more. Like the smile on our young son’s face, which seems even brighter today.

When a Dad Speaks, Does His Son Ever Hear Him?

This week’s column in the Patch may be familiar to regular readers of the blog. It recalls all the times my son wanted to quit his various activities, and my seemingly fruitless attempts to get him to persevere.

Click here to read the whole story.

The Dream of a Family Bike Ride

It has been my wife’s dream that one day the three of us would ride bicycles together. Our son’s inability to ride a bike had delayed that dream, and made it a seemingly impossible one.

My own efforts to teach Kai how to ride a bike had been unsuccessful, and at times, very frustrating. This past summer, we enrolled him in a bicycle class for kids with special needs. He made a little progress, but was still unable to ride on his own without training wheels. He was afraid to ride, and did not enjoy it.

One day my wife made mention of Kai’s bicycle challenges to his swim instructor. James was the one who taught Kai how to swim after we saw little progress with other instructors. And he said that he could teach Kai how to ride a bicycle, too.

So, for the past two plus months, James has worked with Kai on bike riding.

He used Kai’s love of numbers to give him the five rules of riding:

1. Look ahead.
2. Keep your arms straight.
3. Go fast.
4. Keep your hands on the handlebar.
5. Keep your feet on the pedals

At first, James ran alongside and held on to a bar attached to Kai’s bike to keep him from falling over as they did laps around a block that had wide, sparsely used sidewalks.

It was a wonderful moment a few weeks ago, when I first saw James running behind Kai’s bike, not hanging on. Kai was able to ride on his own on straight areas, and somewhat on turns, though James said that Kai still needed help to start and stop.

Since then, he’s made further improvements. Even better, Kai seems to enjoy riding and doesn’t protest having to as he once did.

So, yesterday, for the first time, my wife and I decided that we would try riding bikes with Kai.

From our house, we walked our bikes over to a nearby path. To get started on the bike, Kai still needs a little help to get going. So, I kept him balanced and gave him a little push. And then he was off.

My wife went next while I grabbed my bike, got on, and caught up to them.

Kai was riding. He was really riding. And we were riding with him.

We rode a couple of miles to the end of the path. After a short break, we turned around and rode home. It was less than half an hour in all. But it was the highlight of our weekend.

Knowing that our son can ride a bike, and enjoy it, means we can go riding as a family in many different places.

Our dream has come true.

And though this is a relatively small one, its achievement gives us hope that the big dreams – of our son going to college, of being able to get a job, and living independently – may also be attainable one day, too.


Coming Wednesday: Why we had to call 911 after we got home from our ride

Surprised by What is on My Son’s Mind

My son’s therapeutic school has what they call a Community Meeting each Friday afternoon. Students from every class gather together, hearing from the director and celebrating the accomplishments of students.

On the first Friday of each month, the staff announces which students went through the entire previous month without a major incident. Those students are honored with a special breakfast the following week.

Kai has been so honored exactly once, nine months ago. Since then, it has been rare for him to go even one week without an incident, let alone an entire month. I had forgotten that they announce these students at the community meetings.

I was reminded only because Kai talked about it this morning.

And that was a surprise. I’m surprised anytime he says anything about school, as he hardly ever does. These days, about the only thing he ever talks about is Pokémon.

I’m taking it as a positive sign that he is looking forward to finding out which of his peers are being honored this month. It is good to know that he cares. Maybe it is an indication that he will be motivated to achieve that again.

But, it won’t happen in November. After only two and a half school days, he’s already had three majors.

So much for November. Can we just skip ahead to December?

Another Party, Yet More Anger

My son was invited to a Halloween party this past weekend. After our recent experience at a birthday party where Kai kept shouting that it was a “stupid party,” I was a bit tense about this party.

This time things went better. We almost made it to the end.

Before we went, I spoke with Kai about not saying things like “stupid party.” He could say he wants to leave, or take a break, but not use mean words.

When we arrived, kids were playing on a big trampoline in the backyard. Kai joined right in. It was quite a sight seeing Kai in his Toad costume with the big mushroom hat bouncing up and down alongside the others.

After that, the party moved inside. The kids were free to choose from a variety of games and activities available, but not required to participate in anything in particular. Kai mostly just watched some of the other kids play Wii.

Later, when the host dad introduced Silly String, the crowd went outside again. All the kids, including Kai, loved chasing each other around, spraying the string. But a can of string doesn’t last very long, and then there is a temporary letdown.

But many of the kids, including Kai, went back on the trampoline and all was fine again.

And that is when our problems started.

For some reason, Kai kept pestering a girl who was also jumping on the trampoline. He got close to her and pushed her. I couldn’t tell if he liked the girl and that was his way of showing it, or if he was annoyed at her. It is possible that she might have accidentally bumped him.

Regardless, she didn’t like Kai pushing her. And so I told him to stop.

He would stay away from her for awhile, but then it would happen again. And so I told him to get off the trampoline.

Shortly thereafter, they brought out more Silly String that they had run out to the store to get. And when that additional Silly String was running out, they decided not to give out the last can or two since there wouldn’t be enough to go around for everyone. And that got Kai really mad.

He stomped around and said mean words to the older brother who was putting away the last can of the Silly String.

I tried to divert Kai onto other activities. I tried to distract him with some of the many Halloween treats they had. But he kept trying to go back to the boy and saying mean words to him.

The mom was very understanding. She offered to let us use another room of the house to try to get Kai to calm down. And so I appreciated her understanding.

But there was no calming Kai down.

And so, we again left a party early.

Still, it was an improvement. Still, there’s more work to be done.

Halloween Regrets

Another Halloween has come and gone, and I kind of feel like Charlie Brown did after he collected a bagful of rocks.

The whole feel of Halloween was different this year right from the start. For one thing, Kai wasn’t as enthused about the prospect of going trick-or-treating as he had been the year before. Did we already pass the peak of Halloween excitement at age seven?

His costume this year was Toad, one of the Super Mario characters for those of you who are not familiar. Kai plays only one Super Mario game, Mario Party for the Wii. But whenever he plays, he chooses the character of Toad.

Once we started out trick-or-treating, we discovered that Halloween falling on a Monday this year made things very different from the Sunday Halloween of last year. What, doesn’t everybody stay home from work so they can be around at 3:30 in the afternoon just to hand out candy? Apparently not. I think by the time Kai got to a house that actually had someone home, he was already getting tired of the whole thing.

Still, we did find a few houses to stop at. And, what happened was always the same.

Kai would go up to the door and ring the bell. If someone came out, more often than not Kai would not say “trick or treat.” Instead, as if mesmerized by the big bowl of candy staring him in the face, he’d look at it for an uncomfortably long time. Sometimes, he would even rummage through the bowl to see if there was anything at the bottom that he preferred. Eventually, he would pick something out and then turn and leave without saying “thank you.”

Last year, one man got annoyed at how long it took Kai to pick out a piece of candy and made a comment that indicated that he was insulted that this kid didn’t think any of his candy was good enough. I didn’t get into the whole ‘he has autism’ explanation, instead just saying that he likes to look at everything.

But, since then, I’ve tried to get Kai to hurry up and make his choice more quickly.

And that gets him mad.

He also didn’t like it when I told him to take only one piece of candy unless the homeowner tells him he can have more. He kept asking people how many pieces he could have until I threatened to take away his candy if he kept doing that.

Between all that, as well as all the haranguing for him to say “trick or treat” and “thank you,” I don’t think he had as much fun trick-or-treating this year.

My wife told me later that many of the kids who came to our house also did not say “trick or treat” or “thank you,” and many grabbed several pieces of candy. As far as we could tell, these kids did not have autism. I harrumphed that it still didn’t excuse our son from those things.

But, upon reflection, I wonder if I may have been too harsh on Kai.

Halloween is supposed to be fun, and I’m afraid that my good intentions to teach Kai proper manners may have taken some of the fun out of the day for him. It is not always easy to finesse the line between trying to teach a child, and accepting their challenges and letting them enjoy the moment. In Kai's case, remembering to say "trick or treat" and "thank you" while picking out a piece of candy was probably very difficult for him. And so, I should have just gone up to the houses with him and said it for him instead of reminding him from the end of the driveway.

After circling the block, we went home. Kai didn’t go back out for a second run as we did last year. I think he had had enough.

My wife partially saved the day, however. She made brain and eyeball cupcakes that Kai loved.

And then Kai enjoyed breaking open the pumpkin piñata.

So the day wasn’t all a bag of rocks.

My father-in-law from Japan didn’t have much to say about the whole custom of going door to door demanding candy. But he did enjoy seeing Kai in his costume.

Kai made a very good Toad. Don't you agree?

Check out our Facebook page for more pictures.

Love Overcomes Language Barrier

My father-in-law is flying home to Japan today.

He did a lot while he was here. He completed a long list of things to fix around the house, gave painting lessons to my wife, and put up a mini-gallery of his own work.

He also spent a lot of time with Kai. He went to Kai’s swim lessons and karate class, his soccer games and skating class. He even experienced trick-or-treating for the first time.

He saw good moments and bad.

He said that he leaves feeling good about all he saw of Kai, and will have peace of mind thinking of his grandson when he is back in Japan. He will be better able to picture everything Kai is doing when he reads about his activities on this blog.

Kai is also better off for the time he spent with his grandfather, though he may not understand it now. Dignity and grace are not taught by words as much as they are through the actions of others. And in time, this may be what Kai will take away most from his time with his grandfather.

It is sometimes hard to tell if Kai misses someone after they leave. He doesn’t show those types of emotions very often. But I am sure that Kai knows that his grandfather loves him very much. And whether he shows it or not, he will miss having Jiji around.

As we all will.

Thank you for visiting, Jiji. Come again soon!


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To read more about Jiji’s visit, please read this week’s column in the Patch.

Playdate? Party? Golf!

Every week, my son has a homework assignment where he has to write about one fun thing that he did over the weekend. Kai does not like to write, so he does not enjoy this assignment at all. It usually takes a lot of “encouragement” to get him to complete it.

But for us, it is always interesting to see what he eventually chooses to write about. Oftentimes the activity he picks differs from what we would have chosen for him.

This weekend, he could have written about playing with his young cousins who came over for dinner last night. We don’t see them all that often so it was a bit of a special occasion. Kai usually looks forward to seeing them, but this time he didn’t seem all that interested in playing with them when they first arrived. I had to facilitate, and Kai finally chose to play with marbles.

His two cousins took to the activity right away and were very creative with their marble runs. Kai mostly did his own thing – counting the marbles, looking at the numbers printed on the bottom of the marble-run pieces, throwing the marbles – but I was somewhat satisfied that he at least played in their vicinity and, at times, interacted with them.

After dinner, while the adults lingered at the table and chatted, the kids went downstairs and played some more. I wondered how Kai was doing without my presence. A little while later, his 10-year old cousin came up and asked me to come downstairs to supervise. Though she did not say so, I think Kai was disrupting them.

So, this wasn’t the most successful playdate. But it was still nice to have his cousins and aunt and uncle over. I considered it the highlight of the weekend.

But Kai did not write about that.

He also could have written about the Halloween party he went to yesterday afternoon. I may write more about that later in the week if I have time. He doesn’t go to parties every weekend so it was another somewhat special thing he could have written about.

But he did not.

He wrote about playing miniature golf.

He, my wife, and my father-in-law went to an indoor mini-golf place where you play in a dimly lit area with glow-in-the-dark balls and clubs. The black lights give my wife headaches, but Kai loves going there.

We’ve been to other, more creative mini-golf courses that don’t induce headaches, but Kai prefers this place. I think it is because he can play 36 holes instead of just 18.

As with most things that involve numbers, the activity itself is not his primary interest. Rather, he loves going from hole to hole and checking out all the numbers.

On his homework assignment, he took much longer than necessary, as he had to draw a layout of the course before writing about it.

As parents, I think most of us have ideas on what things stand out. But our kids have their own ideas.

In my son’s case, on this weekend, nothing was better than 36 holes of glow-in-the-dark golf.

Book Review and Kind Thoughts

My blogging compadre, Shiroi Tora, has written a wonderful review of Wit and Wisdom from the Parents of Special Needs Kids, the book in which my original essay appears. His comments about the book are spot on, and his remarks about me are extremely generous. I am humbled by his comments, and thank him for taking the time to read the book and write about it.

Just as he mentions that the book is like having a “heart to heart… soul to soul” with each parent, so, too is his own blog, 2E Child (Twice Exceptional – Autistic / Profoundly Gifted).

He writes about his soon-to-be 11-year-old son Alex, and the path to enrichment and excellence that he and his wife are traveling with him. Alex is an amazing boy, and his accomplishments provide hope that my son can find fulfillment in life as well.

But, even more than reading the inspiring achievements of Alex, what draws me to his blog is the almost Zen-like way that Shiroi Tora imparts his knowledge and experience. His blog is my daily dose of wisdom, a reminder to think about what is right and what is wrong, and to persevere no matter what.

When I first started blogging, it was primarily as a cathartic vehicle for putting my own thoughts down. Finding inspiration and friendship from other bloggers has been an unexpected, and far greater reward.

Driving Us Crazy!

My son has been obsessed with Pokémon for a few months now and he is driving us crazy.

It is not because we are opposed to Pokémon itself. A lot of kids are interested in Pokémon. In fact, we would be happy if he actually played the Pokémon game as it might help him socialize with other kids. But, after taking a small interest in learning the game when his obsession first started, Kai now has no interest in playing it at all.

He doesn’t even have much interest in looking at the cards he has or collecting more.

No, what he is interested in is going online to read about all the various Pokémon characters on the online database called a Pokédex.

Even there, it wouldn’t be all that bad if he would go online and read by himself.

But no.

Apparently, this Pokédex is divided into many different categories, with information on every different Pokémon set, and every Pokémon character. And rather than deciding what to look up in the Pokédex himself, Kai is constantly asking me or my wife to pick a path for him.

The questions are endless.

Do you prefer old or new? Do you like Call of the Legends or Undaunted? Do you want odd or even? What is your favorite energy? Pick a number between 1 and 75.

If he were to ask us once, we could tolerate it. We’d even welcome the interaction. But, it is not just once. When he gets to one character, he starts the questioning all over again.

It is endless.

And when you don’t answer his questions, when you tell him to pick one himself, he gets upset. Really upset.

I’m trying to teach him that people don’t want to answer these types of questions all day long. But it is not easy. I don’t think he understands that sort of thing.

And so, we are left with a dilemma. Not answering the questions means having to deal with him being extremely upset. Answering the questions over and over again drives us crazy.

A therapist at Kai’s school suggested giving him a limit of a certain number of questions per day. That sounds like a good idea that may work.

I hope it does. I can’t take much more of this!

Good Grief, It’s Almost Halloween

This week’s Patch column takes a look at our son’s Halloween history. Click here to read all about it.

Noticing Growth Through the Giant Slide

My son capped off his best week of school since last Spring with Student of the Week honors. He’s now put together three good weeks in a row.

We are hoping that this is an indication that the medication he is on is helping him in a positive way now. But, after all the ups and downs we have been through, we are not assuming anything.

Still, it put us in a good frame of mind for a nice weekend.

This week, in addition to all of the usual activities, we made our annual visit to the local pumpkin farm.

Kai wasn’t into seeing the animals, and he has outgrown many of the kiddie rides, but he still loves going down the giant slide.

When we first went there three years ago, Kai was a bit scared, but wanted to try the giant slide. He sat in my lap, clung to my arm, and had a blast. And then we did it over and over again.

Now, he is too big to sit in my lap and he doesn’t want to cling to Dad so much anyway. So, this year, we raced down side by side. Kai won.

Of course, I had to take the picture by the “How Tall This Fall?” sign.

Oh my, our boy is growing up.

Respite

My son’s therapeutic school offers a wonderful program where teaching assistants come to your house and spend time with your child. At first, the TAs primarily just play with the child and begin to develop a relationship with him. Later, they may take him places to teach him proper behaviors in various real-life settings.

The goal is to provide both mentoring for the child, and respite for the parents.

We have been on a waiting list for about a year, but were recently notified that our participation in the program can begin.

The first time that Kai’s mentors came over, we stayed with them to ease the transition.

This past Saturday was the second time they came and this time we left them alone with Kai. They played some games and put up Halloween decorations outside. They seem to be off to a good start in getting to know him, and vice versa.

The idea for the respite is for the parents to get a break from their child. I’m sure most parents use the opportunity to get away for a meal at a restaurant or perhaps go for a romantic walk.

We did yardwork.

My wife and her father planted bulbs. I raked and bagged leaves. Not very romantic, I know.

But, it was wonderful.

I enjoy engaging with Kai when I am doing my yardwork. When he was younger, Kai liked following me around as I mowed the yard. And fall was especially fun as he loved jumping in the piles of leaves that I amassed.

But his interest in these activities seems to be fading each year. These days, if I can get Kai to come outside with me at all, he wants me to play with him rather than do my chores. And so, I rarely get the uninterrupted time to do all the yardwork that needs to be done.

And so it was quite nice to have some of that time this past weekend.

For most, yardwork is a chore. For me, getting a chance to do it was a good respite.

Visiting Aspiritech, and Meeting the Autism Army Mom

I had a chance to visit a very unique company recently, and I invited the Autism Army Mom to join me.

Aspiritech is the only company in America that provides gainful employment to adults on the autism spectrum. It was founded by Moshe and Brenda Weitzberg when their son with Asperger’s syndrome was fired from his job bagging groceries. Their son, Oran, like many others with high-functioning autism, had trouble finding meaningful work in the area in which he was trained.

The Weitzbergs discovered that these adults on the spectrum, with their amazing attention to detail and the ability to perform repetitive tasks, are particularly suited to testing software. And so, they formed Aspiritech, which now employs 15 people with high functioning autism.

One of the workers I met is Rick Alexander. Rick has been so successful that he recently was placed in the role of Team Lead. I feature Rick in my Patch article on the company, but in a Hanabi Boy blog extra, I want to add how interesting it was to get his perspective on being put in a management role for the first time.

Rick said that wasn’t very good at managing people because he didn’t know how to react to the confusing behavior of others. Hah, that was always one of my biggest challenges when I managed a team, too. I can only imagine how hard it would be for someone on the autism spectrum.

Anyway, please read my Patch article for the full story on the successes and ongoing challenges for this fantastic company. I know a lot of us parents are hoping that this business model will be successful. Hopefully, there are enough businesses out there that are willing to take a chance on hiring Aspiritech for their software testing. It would be wonderful to have companies like this when Kai is old enough to start his career.

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In addition to meeting with the amazing folks at Aspiritech, I also had the pleasure of meeting fellow blogger Lynn Hudoba for the first time. Lynn is the renowned Autism Army Mom, who always has an insightful, and usually very humorous perspective on being the parent of a child with autism.

Sometimes you hear stories about people who meet celebrities and are let down that they don’t live up to the impression you have of them. In meeting Lynn, though, she turned out to be every bit as likeable as you’d expect from reading her blog.

Lynn also is responsible for Wit and Wisdom from the Parents of Special Needs Kids, the new book that features a great collection of original essays from over forty bloggers. If you haven’t gotten your copy yet, click on the link in the top right corner and check it out.

Having a Bad Time at a Birthday Party

I wrote earlier about some great moments from over the weekend. But, it wasn’t all good.

One of Kai’s classmates was turning eight years old and had a birthday party.

Kai looks forward to these parties. Though it has been our experience that he can either have an absolutely wonderful time, or he has an awful time.

This was one of the awful ones.

This party was held at the boy’s house. We arrived there at the same time as Kai’s best friend from school. We entered together and went down to the basement where several boys were already gathered.

By this age, most parents drop their kids off and leave. And even though Kai goes to a therapeutic school, only one other parent at this party stayed with their child. The others apparently felt that their kids would be okay on their own. But we have never felt comfortable leaving Kai at parties as there is always a chance that he would get upset.

Like this time.

When we went downstairs, all the kids were milling about, playing with various toys. Kai found a toy crossbow that caught his attention. He seemed fine.

But then the party started.

A young man asked the kids to pair up. He was leading them in some type of game. It seemed similar to Simon Says.

Kai refused, even when his best friend asked him to be his partner.

I first tried to encourage him to participate, but he was really upset so I thought it was best to just get him to sit down with me and relax. But, he wouldn’t.

He walked up to the young man who was leading the group of kids and shouted, “This is a stupid party.”

I was mortified, of course.

I pulled Kai away and tried again to get him to sit and calm down. But, he kept trying to go back to the group, not to participate, but to express his displeasure with the party. He continued to shout.

“I hate this party! This is a bad party!”

I wanted to leave. But, I wondered if I would be setting a bad precedent by calling it quits.

I saw that one other boy was not participating with the group. He was playing with Legos by himself. I told Kai that he didn’t have to do the group activity. He could play with Legos, too.

But, he did not want to do that either.

He had more outbursts. I told him that he could just say, “I don’t want to do this” instead of saying the mean words. And I let him know that if he continued to say the inappropriate words he would lose his computer and video time for the next three days.

I was hoping that the group would go on to a different activity. The invitation had said there would be a magic show.

But, as Kai continued to be upset, I realized that he wasn’t going to calm down. And so, rather than have him ruin the party for everyone else, we left.

I apologized to the birthday boy’s mother, who seemed understanding.

Looking back and trying to figure out why Kai was so upset, I think it was a combination of a couple of things.

The environment may have been too much for him. There were a lot of kids running around and being noisy in the relatively small space.

The other thing was that Kai has never done well at birthday parties where there are organized activities that require a lot of listening to a person who is giving directions. We had a similar situation a few years ago at a sports-themed party.

He does much better when he can run around at will, like at the places with the giant inflatable slides. And he did well at his own birthday party earlier this year when all he needed to do was look at animals.

But following along with the rest of the kids in an organized activity? Not so well.

He and I drove home. I explained to him that it was okay that he did not enjoy the activities, but it was not okay to say that it was a “stupid party.” I tried to get him to understand that it was nice of his classmate to invite him, and he shouldn’t get angry because he did not have a good time.

I don’t know if he understood what I told him. But, eventually he finally calmed down.

Later in the afternoon we went to a gymnastics class. He went on all the different apparatuses and expended all of his energy to his heart’s delight. His instructors there said he had a lot of fun and did a great job.

He’s got another birthday party coming up next month. I’ll be anxious thinking about it.

Our Starved Rock Camping Trip

“My wife is not the camping type. Before I came along, she had never gone camping in her life. Nor did she ever intend to…”

That’s how this week’s column in the Patch begins. To read the entire story, click here.

“My Dad Always Tells Me Never to Quit”

Over the past several weeks, my son has wanted to quit soccer, karate, and his piano lessons, among other things. Going back further, you could throw swim lessons in there, too.

When he wants to quit, it is not like Kai comes to us and calmly tells us that he is getting tired of the activity or that he’d rather do something else. No, instead he makes a public spectacle, throwing himself on the ground and screaming at us in front of other parents. He will shout that he hates soccer (or whatever) and that he is never doing it again.

On the occasions that I am with him when he does this, I tell him that he can take a break to calm down, but that he is not going to quit. I try to empathize with him about whatever struggles he is having on that particular day, and explain that if he quits, he will never overcome his difficulties. I remind him of other activities that he wanted to quit, such as swimming, that he really hated at first, but grew to not only become competent at, but also truly enjoy. I repeat that he will not quit, and tell him that if he becomes a quitter, he will never get anywhere in life.

Usually my words seem to have no impact on him as the spectacle continues for quite awhile. He almost never continues the activity nicely on that day. I’ve often wondered if my words had any effect on him at all.

It is not easy to deal with Kai when he is like this, and, at times, it gets to be too much for my wife. She has become frustrated and at various times said that we should stop the piano lessons, karate, and swim lessons. Each time I’ve implored her to continue, at least for a while. If we are to stop an activity, I want it to be on our terms, not because Kai raised a huge ruckus and said he was quitting.

This past Friday, Kai played piano nicely for his teacher. Then, Saturday morning, with my father-in-law in the stands watching for the first time, he did his best ice-skating ever as his skating class has started up again. He followed that up with a really good effort at his karate class. Then, in the afternoon, he had his best soccer game. Kai scored four or five goals, but what I was happy about was that he played with enthusiasm and ran up and down the field throughout the whole game.

Driving home from the game, with my father-in-law sitting next to me in the front seat, I heard him talking with Mom in the back seat. My wife mentioned how another boy did not participate much this week because he had gotten upset about something, much like Kai had a few weeks ago.

Kai then said, “My dad always tells me never to quit.”

I could hardly believe my ears. I actually had to confirm it with my wife later to make sure that I heard that correctly. But, yes, that is what he said.

What a revelation. Though I did not know it, I guess he sometimes listens to me after all.

S-O-S Best of the Best, Edition 11: Family Life – Fun, Loving, and Special

Danette Schott over at S-O-S Research has put together another great collection of posts for S-O-S Best of the Best (BoB). This month, bloggers were asked to share a special, funny, or loving moment from their family life.

Click here and go check it out!

Happy Garbage Day!

Today is garbage collection day in our neighborhood. And that makes it a special day for me.

Oh, it isn’t because I particularly enjoy taking the trash cans out to the street. Although, rolling those containers down the driveway is about as thrilling as it gets around here.

No, the real reason for my fondness for Garbage Day is that my son wants to join in the fun.

“Kai, I’m taking the garbage out to the street. I’ll be back in a minute,” I tell him.

“I want to come with!”

His excitement is palpable.

You may be thinking that it is so sweet that this little boy wants to share an activity with his dad. And it is.

But, his excitement isn’t due to the fun of being with dear old dad.

No, it is because he loves garbage stickers.

In our community, we have to attach stickers (which we purchase for $2.35 each) to each container of garbage we put out for collection. Each sticker has a unique number code printed on it. As my son loves numbers, he can’t wait to see what the number on the sticker is each week.

This morning was particularly special, as not only did we have our usual container of garbage, we also had two bags of fallen leaves as well. So, it was a three-sticker day.

Many dads and sons bond over a game of catch, or shooting some hoops. My son and I bond over garbage.

But that’s okay with me. It’s nice to have a shared experience with him, even if it is just over some trash.

******

This post is part of this month’s S-O-S Best of the Best Series: Family Life – Fun, Loving, and Special. Best of the Best is a collection of bloggers who come together on the 15th of each month to write on one topic pertaining to “invisible” special needs. Check out this month's edition by clicking here.

Take a Hike!

It looked to be the perfect weekend for camping. The weather was great, the fall colors were nearing their peak, and my son had a three-day weekend with the Columbus Day holiday. What could go wrong?

We returned to Starved Rock State Park, where we went a year ago. Starved Rock is the exception to the drab landscape of most of our state.

This year, we hiked to a few places we did not see last year, including Council Overhang, a large “amphitheater” carved naturally out of the rocks over time.

The waterfall at the end of Ottawa Canyon was mostly dry, but it must be spectacular in the spring.

Kai’s grandfather came with us. He kept up on all the hikes.

But Kai wasn’t much for hiking, at least on the trails that I wanted to go on, and that frustrated me a lot. He seemed fine about walking all around our campground where he could look at the numbers of every campsite.

But, when I wanted to expose him to more of the canyons and bluffs and beauty of the area, he loudly protested. His whining reminded me of the similar time we had this summer when we tried to hike in the Smoky Mountains.

It wasn’t until we went to an apple orchard/pumpkin farm later in the weekend that Kai really smiled a lot. Here you see him enjoy the corn barn where he could meet all of his sensory needs by rolling around in a big pile or corn kernels.

I’m exhausted, more mentally than physically. And when I think of going on another vacation with Kai, the foremost thought in my head is “take a hike!” to that.

I’m sure that will change over time. But, for now, I’m happy to be back in our boring home where we have some peace.

A Weekend with Grandfather

“My dad is a throwback to a previous century. Or two.”

So begins my latest Patch article where I recount more of the angst that went into planning a weekend visit with my dad. Click here for the whole story.

And come back here tomorrow for details on our latest weekend adventure where we went camping.

The Beginning of My Story

“I met my son shortly after he turned two years old.”

That is how I begin my original essay for the new book, Wit and Wisdom from the Parents of Special Needs Kids. My story tells the beginning of my journey with Kai, as told in print for the first time.

To read the complete essay, along with other great ones from about forty other special needs parents, click on the link below and buy the book. You'll be glad you did.

Jiji is Here

It is our big week for grandfathers. We started the week at my dad’s place in the country. Now we are back home and my wife’s father has arrived from Japan.

In Japanese, the word for grandfather is Ojiichan. And that is how we refer to my dad. We call my wife’s father Jiji, a shortened form of the word.

Kai developed a bond with my wife’s father early on. Jiji visited often during Kai’s first two years, and helped to raise Kai during some difficult times. I don’t think Kai remembers anything specific from back then, but I have to believe that the bond he formed with Jiji still exists, even though Jiji now visits only once a year.

When Kai was younger, it didn’t matter that Jiji did not speak much English. After all, Kai did not speak at all. And so the communication was non-verbal, and mostly in one direction. Jiji comforted Kai when he needed it, and gave him lots of love. Kai mostly just cried or sat quietly without response.

As Kai has gotten older, he has become quite sociable. But, in a way, I think that has made things more difficult for Jiji. The language barrier is now more evident. As Kai chats endlessly about Pokémon, Jiji can’t make out what he is saying. And when he tries to speak to Kai, it is sometimes hard to know if Kai understands what he is saying. My own Japanese is pretty limited, so if my wife is not around to interpret, it is hard to foster communication between grandfather and grandson.

But that hasn’t stopped Kai from trying to interact with his grandfather. I’ve already heard Kai’s sweet voice call out “Jiji!” many times as he tries to track down his grandfather.

Yesterday, Kai found his grandfather fixing the blinds in his bedroom. A handy man, my wife had a long list of things around the house for her father to work on. Without even taking any time to get over jet lag, he started right on the list. And Kai had to “help” of course. Jiji patiently worked around Kai’s distractions, smiling at his grandson’s energy.

After spending much of this week with two grandfathers, Kai seems to have a handle on both of them. As he watched Jiji fix a kitchen cabinet, out of the blue he said, “Ojiichan is the expert at nature, and Jiji is the expert at fixing things.”

Hah, succinct but so true.

It’s going to be fun seeing how much more Kai learns about Jiji on this visit.

(Note: The photo was taken the last time Jiji visited, about 16 months ago.)

Knock Knock Is No Joke

“I heard the familiar knock on our bedroom door. It was 2 a.m. “

Our son’s sleep issues have arisen again, and are the focus of this week’s column in the Patch. Click here to read the full story.

A Surprising Weekend

It had all the makings of being a difficult weekend.

We were visiting my dad. Not a particularly easygoing man to begin with, he has gotten crankier with age. Set in his ways, he doesn’t want to hear about how he needs to adapt now that he has gotten older.

His eyesight has gotten bad, he has hearing difficulties, and his short-term memory issues are severe. Among other things, those issues make it difficult to communicate with him.

Now throw a boy with autism into the mix.

Kai often doesn’t respond to questions or greetings, and sometimes speaks softly when he does. So, communication with him is a challenge.

He also can be very active. My dad has things scattered throughout his house. It’s a mess, really. But he doesn’t want anyone messing with his mess. And I pictured Kai going through my dad’s stuff, and not listening to us telling him to stop.

Another worry is that my dad lives in the middle of nowhere. He doesn’t have a computer. My son has been hooked on the internet lately. How would he be able to go a weekend without it? What would he do the whole time?

And yet, somehow, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be.

In fact, it was pretty darn good.

One feature of living in the country is that there is a lot of room to run around. My dad’s place has some wooded area and open areas, and Kai enjoyed walking around the whole place.

Perhaps Kai’s favorite places to walk to were the various apple trees that my dad has. They were all loaded with fruit. My son loves eating apples and picking apples. It was a good match.

Kai also loves numbers, of course. And my dad has an electronic dartboard in the basement. The numbers on the board are the attraction. We showed Kai how to throw the darts and he was hooked. He kept returning to the dartboard after other activities. He is really too small to throw it well, but he improved a lot as we played.

But aside from the activities that we enjoyed, what made the trip most worthwhile is that my dad made the effort to try to interact with Kai. And Kai responded.

It wasn’t always easy. We had to prompt Kai a lot, and my dad frequently didn’t understand what Kai said so we had to repeat it for him, but they each made the effort and communicated. It was great to see them get to know each other better.

Before we went, Kai told one of his therapists that Ojiichan is the oldest person that he knows. Now, he knows a few more things about him.

And that made for a good weekend.

Yoohoo!

My son is off from school today due to Rosh Hashanah. As I am trying to work in my office, I hear him calling out from the basement:

“Mom, come here! Yoohoo!”

I still recall the days when he didn’t speak. When he wanted Mom he went to get her and then took her hand.

“Yoohoo!” makes me smile.

L'shanah tovah to all of our family and friends that celebrate Rosh Hashanah.

A Perfect Score Means a Good Week

“As the parent of child with autism, one of the things that I always struggle to keep in mind during the tough times is that things always change. When my son’s problems seem to get worse by the day, it is hard to imagine that things will ever change for the better. Yet, they always do.”

This week’s column in the Patch takes a closer look at the ups and downs of parenting a child on the autism spectrum. Get more details about the good week we experienced last week after the tough times we had earlier. Click here to read all about it.

Return to the Ice Rink

You know that winter is right around the corner with the start of my son’s ice skating class over the weekend.

A year ago, Kai took this class for the first time. He could barely stand up on his skates. He was very wobbly on the ice. He was scared, and wanted to clutch onto the girls who were helping him learn.

By the end of the class in the spring, he was able to skate on his own and even skated in an ice show.

Still, I wasn’t sure how he would react to the start of the class now. Sometimes he has anxiety about things that he hasn’t done in a little while. So I was relieved when he was happy to go to the class on Saturday morning.

And when we got there, he didn’t show any signs of the nearly five-month layoff from skating. He skated easily on his own.

On Sunday evening, we always have him do his homework where he has to write about one thing that he did over the weekend. He doesn’t like to write, so it is hard to get him to do this assignment at times. Other times he can’t decide what to write about.

This time, he knew right away that he wanted to write about his skating class. He wrote that he had fun and that it was his favorite thing over the weekend. Thinking about how far he has come in a year, it was my favorite thing, too.

A Nice Finish to a Good Week

“It’s a new day. It’s a new week. Hopefully, it is a new beginning.”

That is how I closed my entry at the beginning of the week.

After weeks of tough times, we had some positive experiences last weekend. Still, we weren’t sure if it would carry over to school. After all, Kai had been having major incidents on an almost daily basis since the beginning of summer.

As the week started, it looked like nothing had changed as far as school was concerned. Kai had three major incidents in the first three days.

And then yesterday, out of the blue, he earned a “100%” on his school point sheet. That meant that he was safe all day. That he followed directions in every period and stayed on task for every class.

Where did that come from?

Surely, it was just a one-day wonder.

Today, he earned a “98%.” That means he had two great days in a row, no longer an aberration.

He also was named Student of the Week for the first time in many months. Obviously the school overlooked his incidents earlier in the week in order to give positive reinforcement to his improved behavior later on.

I don’t know why this sudden change. I can only speculate that he may finally be adjusting to the medication he has been taking.

But, regardless, it is a great way to end the week.

Have a great weekend, everybody!

Loose Tooth

My son had a loose tooth the other day. “Had” being the key word.

Kai gets agitated about the most minor things sometimes so it is not surprising that he got annoyed when his tooth got loose.

He started to pick at it and soon was constantly moving it with his fingers. He wanted me to get it out, but when I felt it, it seemed like it wasn’t yet ready to come out.

So, we told him that it would be awhile and that he should just try to ignore it. Yeah, that wasn’t going to happen.

He kept picking and picking at it.

My wife used the occasion to motivate him to eat his dinner. Eat all the meat, she told him, and your tooth may come out. He ate all of his dinner very diligently that evening, but was perturbed afterward when his tooth was still hanging on.

The next morning, he was still perseverating on his tooth. Oh, this is not going to be good for school, we thought. I could just picture him not paying attention during class, and complaining about his tooth all day.

And then, just like that, he pulled it out.

He was very happy. But no more so than we were.

Still, kids grow up fast. And I’m guessing that it won’t be too long before we look back and fondly recall these days when Kai was still a kid, and laugh about how agitated he got with his loose tooth.

It’s all just a matter of perspective, right?

A Great New Book Just Came Out, and I Am In It!

I am very excited to tell you about a new book about the challenges and rewards of raising children with autism and other cognitive disabilities. Written by parents, this book contains more than forty fabulous essays.

One of my essays is among those included. I’m thrilled to be included in such a special book.

You can get your copy by clicking on the link.

Take It Out On The Husband Day

“It was Take It Out On The Husband Day at our house recently…”

I am sure that many parents of children with special needs can relate to the stressful times we had recently. Check out my latest column in the Patch to read about our tough week. Click here to read the whole story. Here’s hoping that my wife reads all the way to the end! ☺

A New Day

Last weekend, my son threw a fit and did not play in his soccer game. Then, during the week, he had an awful session at his karate class where he refused to do many of the activities. (I’ll have more about all that in this week’s Patch column that should be posted tomorrow).

So, this weekend, we had trepidations about those two activities.

On Saturday morning, I spoke to Kai at breakfast and set my expectations for him. I said that I knew he could do a good job at karate because he had done so before. I told him that I wanted him to listen to Sensei and set a good example for the class. I also said that I wanted him to play soccer without complaining. I was positive, but also added that if he did not do the activities nicely, he would lose his computer and video privileges.

As the karate class started, I was tense as I sat in the stands. I didn’t relax even when Kai got off to a good start. He was doing all of the warm-up exercises nicely, but it was early. With Kai, I’ve learned that you never know when he might get upset about something and start acting out.

As the group went on to doing karate, Kai looked very serious. Frankly, I was surprised how well he was doing. His form is often not crisp, but on this day he seemed very focused and his movements were unusually sharp.

Toward the end of class, each student had to perform kata (karate movements) individually in front of the entire class. Kai performed well, and, at the end of the class, earned high praise from Sensei. “Kai, that’s the best karate you’ve ever done.”

One activity down, one more to go.

In the afternoon, we went to his soccer game. Kai played. He ran. He kicked. He did not complain. It was a complete change from the week before.

Later, we heard from the mom of another child at the game. She said that she congratulated Kai for his play and he responded to her, “I always knew I could do it.”

I am not sure why he did so well this week or why he had so much trouble last week. I can only hope that the positive behavior will carry over to school, another area that has been a challenge of late.

It’s a new day. It’s a new week. Hopefully, it is a new beginning.

Trying to Keep Smiling

It’s been a week where both my wife and I caught change-of-season colds, and struggled with our son’s continued frequent incidents at school. Add in some additional bad behavior at his karate class and, well, let’s just say that I’m ready to put this week behind us.

I’ll have more details of our week in next week’s column in the Patch. (By the way, I am now in the Northbrook and Glenview Patch as well as the one in my own town).

In the meantime, as we try to keep a smile on our faces, check out the t-shirt that Kai and his uncle are modeling. Is it still funny when it is so real?

S-O-S Best of the Best, Edition 10: Calming Techniques for Stress and the Special Needs Child

This month’s S-O-S Best of the Best (BoB) is on helping special needs kids to calm down after a meltdown or a stressful event.

My own post on the topic is about some of the techniques we have used, to varying degree of success, to help Kai calm down or, proactively, so he would not have a meltdown in the first place.

Click here to read about others’ experiences.

Math Class

During the first week of school, my wife was disappointed when my son brought home some math homework that was easier than the work he was doing in kindergarten. So, she wrote to his teacher.

It turns out that the school is changing its math curriculum and had temporarily placed some kids in easier classes as they thought that it might take them some time to get used to the new methods that were being used.

But Kai was obviously outperforming his assigned group so they gave him a placement test. Now he is taking math with fifth graders. It sounds like he may be the only second grader in the fifth grade class, and, as far as we can tell, there are no kids taking 6th grade math there.

Last year, he was taught math individually. So, it will be interesting to see if he can learn math in a group setting. The teachers report that so far he likes being with other kids and is doing well.

We liked the individual attention he got before, but it will be good if he can continue to learn in a more typical classroom environment. Though if he keeps progressing at this rate, he may be back to individual teaching as there may not be other kids at his level by next year.

Now that would be a dilemma that we would gladly face.

Happy Independence Day!

My son is into all things numbers related, including the “birthdays” of countries. Check out this week’s column in the Patch to find out which countries are turning 190 this week. Click here for the whole story.

Weekend Ups and Downs

My son had his first soccer game of the season this weekend. Well, there was a game all right, but Kai hardly played.

It was a beautiful sunny day, seemingly perfect for soccer. Kai’s grandmother was in town and happy to get a chance to see Kai play. We got to the field and were pleasantly surprised to find that Kai’s best friend from school had decided to play after originally saying he did not want to. They had fun chasing each other around before the game. So, all looked fine.

Then the game started.

Kai’s friend had to go to the bathroom, and apparently took all of Kai’s energy with him when he left. As the other kids were running up and down the field, Kai was mostly just standing around.

A short while later, he came to the sidelines complaining that he was hot. He is really sensitive to heat. But it wasn’t like it was a 90-degree day. And he was hardly running enough to work up a sweat anyway.

I gave him water and let him take a break. And then I told him that I wanted him to go back out and play.

But then he complained that his new soccer jersey was uncomfortable. Was it itchy? I couldn’t make out the reason for his complaints. Still, everyone has to wear the jersey so I tried to get him to persevere. Yeah, that didn’t work.

As Kai’s team was running low on players, the coach said it was okay if Kai didn’t wear his soccer jersey so I had him change into a regular t-shirt. By then, though, he was yelling that he hated soccer and wanted to go home.

I was mad – no other kids were causing any problems; why was Kai being so difficult? I was embarrassed – my son was the only one making a scene in front of all the parents and I was proving to be an ineffective parent. I was frustrated – why couldn’t I be more patient and understanding with him? Or, maybe I was too patient with him? Whatever! Why can’t I get him to go back out and play?

I ended up threatening to take away his Pokemon cards. I told him that he wouldn’t be able to use the computer for the rest of the weekend. His grandmother and I told him that we weren’t going to leave until the game ended regardless of whether he played or not.

He didn’t.

When we got home I took away him Pokemon cards. He lost his computer privileges for the weekend.

But, later that day, we visited relatives and he played nicely with his cousins. And that was more meaningful than a soccer game.

Frustrations and triumphs. The weekend was a microcosm of our life.

Keeping Calm

My son had three major incidents at school yesterday. And that is a lot, even by his standards. Here are the things that prompted them:

First, for some reason, in the middle of class, Kai wanted to get some gummy bears from the school’s snack shop. As the snack shop isn’t even open on Thursdays, the staff couldn’t accommodate him even if they wanted to. But once Kai gets an idea in his head, it is difficult for him to be flexible and he often becomes angry. The inability to overcome his disappointment at not getting a gummy led to the first major incident where he threatened the staff and had to take a timeout outside of the classroom.

Next, his class went outdoors during PE. Kai had on short pants and complained when some grass rubbed against his legs. We have experienced similar situations and once he gets agitated, it seems impossible to calm him down. This time, the staff at school brought him inside, but he kept getting angrier, and tried to hurt the staff members who were helping him.

After two major incidents, the school’s policy is that the student is not permitted back in the classroom for the remainder of the school day, instead having to stay in a study room. This led to the third incident, as Kai got angry that he was missing out on a special viewing of the Ant Bully video that the rest of the class was watching.

Three incidents for three different reasons. In every case, a seemingly small thing triggered a reaction, and the staff couldn’t get Kai to calm down before a major incident occurred.

As luck would have it, the topic for this month’s S-O-S Best of the Best is Calming Techniques for Stress and the Special Needs Child. As our son’s day in school yesterday illustrates, we have yet to find solutions that work much of the time. It is no particular comfort to us that the professionals at our son’s therapeutic school haven’t found easy answers either. So, I will be very interested to read the perspective of other bloggers on this topic.

Still, in the hopes that others will find some value in our own attempts, here are some calming techniques that we have tried with some degree of success:

Big Pillows and Air Mattresses – From the time he was able to run around, Kai has loved crashing onto a big air mattress we have on our basement floor. I’m sure there is a sensory need that is fulfilled by the crashing. More recently, as he is outgrowing the air mattress, we got a big foam-filled pillow/bean bag chair. He can crash against that as well, but he also uses it to sit in to do homework on occasion as the feel of the pillow around him provides comfort. These don’t really help to calm him much once he is agitated – nothing really does – but is more of a proactive device to keep him from getting dysregulated in the first place.

Trampoline – Yes, we are a “trampoline in our living room” family. For the first few weeks after we got it, Kai was on the trampoline several times a day, and I think it helped to proactively head off more aggressive behavior. Lately, though, with his lower energy levels, he hasn’t been on it at all. Hmm, is that a clue as to why he had three incidents at school yesterday?

Blanket – Like Linus in the Peanuts cartoons, Kai turns to his blanket often for comfort. After a bad day at school, he will often run to his bedroom to snuggle with his blanket as soon as he gets home.

Angry Octopus – After explosive incidents at home recently, Kai has asked us to read Angry Octopus with him. A wonderful story by Lori Lite, Angry Octopus tells the tale of an octopus who explodes with anger, spreading his black ink cloud all around. The octopus is not happy about not being able to control his anger, and finds comfort when a Sea Child comes along, teaches him to relax, and be in control of his body.

I think that Kai really relates to the octopus in the story. It is great that he wants to read this story, and it helps him to regain a relaxed state. Hopefully, over time, he will be able use the relaxation techniques taught in the book to prevent his anger from rising in the first place.

One side benefit of reading Angry Octopus with my son is that it reminds me how I can calm down as well. And maybe that is just as important. After all, you can’t get your child to calm down when you are not calm yourself.


Okay, that is all I’ve got. This next S-O-S Best of the Best will come out on September 15. I can’t wait to read what other bloggers find helpful with their children.